On Monday night, this season of The Bachelorette officially became boring. It has nothing to do with Becca. She’s fine. It does though, have everything to do with one of the dudes she sent home. Yes, Jordan. Jordan the male model. Jordan, who lists one of his talents as speaking. Jordan, who simultaneously had absolutely no self-awareness and a truck load of self-awareness. Jordan had increasingly become the main reason to watch this season, even more so when it became clear that Blake or Garrett will probably end up winning.
And now he’s gone.
Wills is still around. So is Leo. So it’s not a total loss. But still, the mood in these parts is not great to say the least.
Or at least it was!
Thanks to today’s announcement of the guys and gals headed to Paradise for this summer’s season of Bachelor in Paradise, also known as THE BEST SHOW ON TELEVISION (for the first few weeks, then it starts to get a little lame and predictable,) the day has turned right around! Well except for the Muslim Ban news and the civility discussion and you know, real world stuff that continues to get more and more depressing. Besides all that, things are awesome and I’ll tell you why. Our lives won’t be minus the never-ending entertaining presence of Jordan because surprise, surprise, that dude is headed to Paradise. It’s true. Complete shocker.
Please, Jordan was booked for Bachelor in Paradise back when he was picked for The Bachelorette and they locked in his production schedule as soon as he got that first rose. I have to assume that within the comfy confines of the Bachelor in Paradise production offices there is a big board, in which all of cast members are ranked. The rankings then somehow correlate to the order in which they appear on the show. There’s a method to the madness of Bachelor in Paradise. Anyone who has ever watched the show can tell you that. They roll out some of the fan favorites initially, then follow them up with some who the hell is that folks and from there, carefully add some more favorites into the mix. There is a strategy and I’d have to think that Jordan is a lock for an entrance two weeks in. He’s the ideal person to drop into Paradise when things start to get a little stale and people have coupled up. Then he’ll be there for a night or two and then vanish from our lives for a year until he shows up again.
So who will be joining Jordan in Paradise?
Well, from this current season of The Bachelorette, there’s Venmo John, Tracksuit Nick, Chickensuit David, Joe the Grocer and SPOILER ALERT…no really, this dude has been eliminated yet.
Okay, I warned you. It’s Colton. Don’t act surprised. Do you really think Becca is going to pick Colton? You don’t trust him. I don’t trust him. Becca probably doesn’t trust him either. He’ll probably make it to the Top 4 and if anything is a surprise here, it’s that he’s not going to be the next Bachelor. Or is he?
He’s probably in the Dean Zone, that delicate space where you’re given Bachelor in Paradise to prove yourself and how you do will determine what happens next, either a gig as the next Bachelor or a spot on Winter Games. Your move Colton.
Of course one of the issues with Colton on this season of The Bachelorette has been the revelation that he had a little thing with Tia. We know it was only hand stuff because Colton is a “virgin,” but hand stuff is hand stuff and guess what, Tia will be in Paradise too! Oh how wonderful. In addition to Tia, gals from Arie’s season of The Bachelor hitting the friendly shores of Paradise include Krystal, who will be a welcome return to our lives, Kendall, who gets more attractive every time I see a picture of her, BeKAH, Chelsea from Maine, our girl Bibiana, who made a brief stop over at Winter Games after she was given the boot by Arie, some lady named Nysha and Annaliese. If that name rings a bell but you can’t quite remember who she was, I’ll leave you with this: “bumper car trauma.”
It’s a serious medical condition.
Who else will be out there, dehydrated and not wearing enough sunscreen?
Rachel’s season is represented so far by Kenny the Wrestler and Eric the Motivational Speaker, two guys who were super fun to root for during that season. Nick’s season gives the cast a veteran presence, with Astrid and some woman named Angela appearing this season. I legitimately have no clue who Angela is but I wish her the best and hope she finds love or at the very least, makes for entertaining television. There’s also Kevin the Canadian from Winter Games coming down from the north country, which is cool I guess.
Last season on Bachelor in Paradise, our boy Wells showed up to tend bar, dabble in a possible relationship with Danielle and provide some helpful commentary. He’s back and this time he has company, Yuki, fresh off a stint on Winter Games. You remember Yuki, right?
Everything else be damned, I’m all in on a Wells/Yuki show.
Now let’s just hope things go a little smoother this season than things did last summer, when you know, something may or may not have happened, but regardless, we learned that one of the things that The Bachelor franchise is incapable of doing is handling sensitive issues.
Bachelor in Paradise premieres on August 7th.