Monday night’s episode of The Bachelor was all about one person and that person’s journey and the ups and downs that come with it. It was at times harrowing, it was at times befuddling, it was at times downright hilarious. It was at times significantly more entertaining than Sunday night’s Grammys were, although that’s not saying very much. Either way, am I talking about the boring race car driver, whom the show is essentially built around?
I’m talking about Krystal, because at this point, we all are.
What Everyone is Talking About on Tuesday (in no particular order):
- Trump’s State of the Union
- This effin’ memo thing
- Probably the weather
Krystal won’t win this thing. Krystal will probably flame out next week and it will be spectacular and a real sight to behold, like a firework going off prematurely in someone’s hand. But Krystal has made this season of The Bachelor all hers and for that we should be thankful. If she wasn’t there can you even fathom how boring this season would be? Good God man.
And let’s be honest, no one else matters. Do you really care who the boring race car driver picks? No. No you don’t. Don’t kid yourself. You realize, whether you know it or not, that in the end, it’ll either be Norm-Core Becca or The Surviving Lauren. Tia has an outside chance of course, but I’m not putting on money on that. Could Chelsea the Mom win? Maybe. Could BeKAH or Jenna? Ha, I don’t know.
But who the hell cares? All we care about is Krystal. Plain and simple.
It doesn’t even matter that Kendall the Taxidermist admitted to being okay with casual cannibalism! All we care about is Krystal.
Actually, it should matter that Kendall was okay with the idea of trying human flesh just for the heck of it. That’s weird. That’s unsettling. That’s just…that’s just a little bit of a red flag I’d say. And everyone knows that once you try just a little bit of human flesh, it all goes down hill from there.
Real talk, Kendall. Casual Cannibalism could be a cool band name, but it’s also no way to go through life.
Moving on, back to Krystal.
Here are a few things we learned about Krystal this week:
1. Krystal can produce glitter from her hands
It’s invisible and you only know it’s glitter because she says it’s glitter. But still, at one point she threw her hands out, kind of jazz hands-ish, then said “glitter” and given what we know about about Krystal, it’s probably safer to just believe her and go along with her supposed ability to produce glitter out of thin air than question it.
Yup. Glitter everywhere.
Just go along with it.
I’m still leaving open the possibility that Krystal may have murdered someone at some point in her life. We can’t rule it out. Then we might be next.
2. It only looked like Krystal was hiding in her room
She wasn’t dude. She was like, investing in herself. That’s totally different.
3. Krystal has definitely taken one or two personality tests
I know this because at one point she described herself entirely in wonderful, personality test buzz words. For instance, “futuristic?” The only person that describes themselves as futuristic is someone who has taken a personality test and the result was that they are futuristic. Give her some time and she’d probably also describe herself as a blue/green and an achiever whose love language is UNDYING EFFIN’ AFFECTION AND LOYALTY AND TRUST.
4. Krystal Either Has a Master Plan or Absolutely No Plan
I don’t know which one it is. I don’t think anyone does, including Krystal.
5. Krystal suffers from Bowling Alley Trauma
What? A third form of trauma? Wow, this season of The Bachelor may be boring sometimes, but you definitely can’t say it hasn’t been informative. First it was Bumper Car Trauma. Then it was Dog Trauma (which is kind of real,) and now it’s Bowling Alley Trauma. I can’t wait to learn what other kinds of traumas there are that I had no idea existed…except for the dog thing, which is kind of real, but also seemed blown out of proportion and tainted by the whole Bumper Car Trauma thing. Context is everything folks, even on The Bachelor.
So this Bowling Alley Trauma thing, it goes back to Krystal’s childhood I think. Her mom worked in one, or hung out in one, and as a result, a young Krystal did and…I don’t know, she lost me after that. Either way, the boring race car driver’s decision to allow both teams who competed in the bowling group date to attend the cocktail party apparently triggered Krystal’s Bowling Alley Trauma. Although it also triggered her trust issues and some baloney about honesty and competition and…again, she lost me. Krystal is a lot to handle. She speaks in circular logic and those circles are effin’ drunk as hell. You know how sometimes someone talks to you and you’re listening and you’re trying like, so damn hard to follow along, but the reality is is that they just aren’t making any sense at all?
Krystal is like that, times a thousand.
Now, due to her bout with Bowling Alley Trauma and whatever else, Krystal elected to skip the cocktail party. This left everyone else a chance to show off their Krystal impression. Everyone has one. They’re like Trump impressions or complaints about your phone. BeKAH is atop the leader board though, especially since Caroline left. BeKAH’s impression is pretty impressive, though. Almost as impressive as the fact that despite her age, (SHE’S 22, NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT IT) she might be the most mature woman on the show. She’s definitely the best when it comes to questioning a suspect.
(starring at Krystal)
Krystal, I guess I just want to know why are you here? Why are you still here?
Krystal doesn’t respond. Instead she just smiles.
Bekah doesn’t blink, though.
No really, why are you here? I want to know.
BeKAH moves to Washington D.C. to join the Mueller Investigation.
We all are, Tia.
That all happened later though, at the second cocktail party. Krystal was all in on that one. She was actually all in on the other one too, it was just after she protested and boycotted the event, wisely knowing that the boring race car driver would fall for her trap and come visit her, where she would be waiting. But wait, the boring race car driver has a pulse and more importantly, he has integrity that he does not appreciate being questioned. In his mind, Krystal is calling him a liar for changing his mind about the stakes of the bowling group date and never in the history of time has bowling meant so much to so little.
“It’s just bowling,” the boring race car driver says to the dangerous temptress.
“You know it’s not,” she replies.
Does he, though? Do you, though? Does anyone, though? As an old friend of mine from Maine was prone to saying, hard sayin’, not knowin’.
Tia had a one-on-one date. They went on a gator tour. Those things are dope. Then they go to some dude’s house, a house that the boring race car driver describes as “like, an old, nautical antique place.” Let me just take a minute to remind you that the boring race car driver is also the boring dude who sells real estate in Scottsdale and you have to imagine that if he describes every place like that house in the Everglades, business must be booming. Yeah and this house is like, really amazing and like, the school is like, over there. What do you guys think? Wait, why are you leaving? I’m into real estate and I’m boring. Have I mentioned that I race cars. Isn’t that cool?
The Surviving Lauren, during some alone time with the boring race car driver, suggested they play 21 questions. This is a great idea! Wonderful. Well-played Surviving Lauren. You go first. I don’t know what to ask. Good Lord this season is a train wreck.
Okay, back to Krystal.
I think my favorite move she pulls is when she walks into the room, a room full of women who were most likely just talking about her, and then proceeds to tell them not just how she is feeling, but how they are feeling about how she is feeling and then consults them on how everyone should move forward. It’s amazing. It really is. Again, I don’t know if Krystal is the most self-aware person there or the least self-aware person and am willing to listen to anyone who can provide some clarification. She will also gladly take anyone aside who would like more clarification on not just how she’s feeling, but how they are feeling about how she’s feeling and provide some insight about the degree to which that whole bowling incident left her hurt. And she wasn’t hurt for her, she was hurt for her team. Krystal is a team player folks. She calls the other women “friends.” We could be reading her all wrong. She might not be the villain. She might be the hero. She might be the one we should be pulling for. She might be America’s next sweetheart for crying out loud.
Yeah then she mentioned the whole Bowling Alley Trauma thing and you know, screw it. Nothing matters anymore.
Who survived the week? Becca M., Krystal, Seinne, Jacqueline, BeKAH, Jenna, Chelsea, Tia, Lauren B. and Kendall. Ashley, Maquel and Marikh went home. Did Ashley even talk once? And why is Jacqueline still there when Caroline is home creating Instastories about her love of bowling?
Final Four Predictions: Tia, Norm Core Becca, Lauren B., BeKAH
Woman to Keep an Eye On: Chelsea the Mom