You Haven’t Loved Until You Drink Your Own Urine

Everyone knows that the way to find a mate is by tricking them into drinking their own urine. Plus other takeaways from this week’s episode of ‘The Bachelor’


“I’m down to eat bugs. I’ve eaten bugs before.”

The gal who is into taxidermy said this. Then she kissed the boring race car driver whose heart she is looking to win over. Snow gently fell. Someone else ate a bug. Prior to this, the boring race car driver faked everyone out, pretending to drink his own urine. It was apple juice. Ha. Fooled ya, suckers. You don’t understand courtship these days. I know I don’t. I’ve been married for over five years now and I’ve never once pretended to drink urine in front of my wife. Not once.

I don’t know why she’s still with me. I’m obviously a failure when it comes to romance.

Speaking of failures, the boring race car driver is an abject failure when it comes to holding a conversation. It’s painful to watch. Dear Sienne tried. It didn’t go well. The surviving Lauren tried. It also didn’t go well. The surviving Lauren asked the boring race car driver what he was looking for. This is a perfectly reasonable question to ask. Add a fake out involving urine and you got yourself a heck of an evening.

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True love means tricking someone into drinking their own urine.

Yet while the surviving Lauren’s question was essentially a soft ball, super easy for even the boring race car driver to answer, the boring race car driver kind of flubbed it. I may have missed this, but I think he’s looking for an equal, but an equal that is more dynamic than him because he keeps describing himself as boring now because he goes to bed early. Uh, boring race car driver, that’s not boring. That’s called getting older and listening to your body. No shame in that, sir. None. Also, not to nitpick too much here, but someone really isn’t your equal if they are dynamic and you are boring. An equal would be someone as boring as the boring race car driver.

But again, I don’t know love.

I do know that Caroline doesn’t give a shit and I know I love it. I love it so much. Last week I named her my favorite and this week, I can say without any trace of a reservation that she should be America’s favorite. America, we should all get behind Caroline. Caroline is our person. Caroline will save us from whatever ails us. I believe this with all of my heart.

Of course then the boring race car driver sent her home so you know whatever, everything really is the worst these days.

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No Chad, I am mad. I’m both disappointed and mad.

Ugh, let’s just move on.

The boring race car driver chose Krystal over Caroline. He picked BeKAH over Caroline, even after learning that BeKAH was only 22 and he’s 36 and there is a lifetime in between those two ages. But you know, the penis frequently holds sway when it comes the decision-making process of dudes and when it came to the boring race car driver wrestling with whether or not he should send BeKAH home, the penis filibustered, threatened to shut the government down, made plans to fire high-ranking government officials if they didn’t get their way and called at least one senator a racist. This all happened in roughly 37 seconds.

Long story short, CNN can now confirm that the penis got it’s way and BeKAH survived. Caroline didn’t. It’s a loss for everyone and let’s not act like it isn’t. She was the perfect foil for Krystal. Now Krystal can continue on unchallenged. None of the remaining ladies can stop her. They can try, but we all know that ultimately the only person who can defeat Krystal now is Krystal.

But let’s talk about Krystal for a second because we have to. Also, because Krystal would want us to and I’m afraid of her. You are too. Don’t act like you’re not. I’m not saying that Krystal looks like the kind of person who might accidentally…wait, “accidentally” push someone down the stairs or you know, off a cliff. But I’m strongly implying it. Hold on, I just winked at you.

We should all be a little afraid of Krystal. She should be added to the list of things America is currently afraid and added soon.

Things America is Afraid Of
(in no particular order)

  1. Nuclear War
  2. Student Loan Debt
  3. ISIS
  4. The Patriots winning the Super Bowl
  5. Krystal

Let’s at least start with giving Krystal some credit. She became this season’s villain super fast. Like, we all thought it was going to be Chelsea because of how things went down in the first episode, but boy did that change. Now Chelsea is like, okay cool, Chelsea. You probably won’t win, but your Krystal impression was pretty spot on. Also #mainepride. But Krystal snagged the villain crown and ran with it. We all like Chelsea now, especially in light of being accused of glam-shaming and reacting exactly how you would if someone accused you of such a thing.

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Yeah, glam-shaming is not a real thing. Sorry, Marikh.

Back to Krystal.

Krystal has been checking off all the villain boxes so far and has done so in short order. She’s playing the role of front runner, she’s speaking for the boring race car driver when he’s not around, she’s talking about their relationship as if it were an actual relationship and not some weird television production that is doomed to fail, she’s pouting during group dates and talking about how they’re wrong because of their relationship and like, whatever, and then she’s out there throwing grenades, talking smack about other ladies when she’s with the boring race car driver. And two of those ladies were Caroline and Tia and you know how I feel about Caroline. Krystal is a monster.

And to make matters worst, she seems to only be getting stronger.

On Monday night Krystal was on fire. It was really something to watch. Painful to listen to (you know, because of her voice,) but really something to behold. And is her voice really that annoying? Yes, of course it is. Don’t kid yourself into thinking it’s not. Instead, think about the delicious irony of her saying the other ladies live in a fantasy world while she herself talks like a Disney princess would if that Disney princess was convinced that’s how a Disney princess should talk. I could picture her literally purring because she read once that purring to yo’ man is sexy.

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Voted Most Likely to Purr Into a Man’s Ear

Later, Krystal, while trying to gin up some sympathy from one the other ladies, said that she has always been treated poorly by women because she’s perceived as flawless. No really. She said that. I told you, she was on fire Monday night. Although maybe, and I’m spit-balling here, maybe she is treated poorly by women because she says something like how she is treated poorly by women for being perceived as flawless. Again. Spit-balling.

And on that note, as far as levels of self-awareness goes, Krystal is either the most self-aware person or the least self-aware person. There’s really no in between and I can’t figure out which one it is. I am fairly confident she has at least three mantras and that she recites them several times a day. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Although shouldn’t you have only one mantra? Right? It seems like you should only have one mantra. You know, like cats or a pet bird. One seems like enough. Any more than that and it becomes excessive. I would also agree with whoever said it Monday night that Krystal (and I’m paraphrasing) is totally the type of person that reads self-help books and then routinely quotes things from those books, sometimes even passing them off as her own words.

Krystal is strong, she is confident, she can doing anything she puts her mind too.
Krystal is strong, she is confident, she can doing anything she puts her mind too.
Krystal is strong, she is confident, she can doing anything she puts her mind too.
Krystal is strong, she is confident, she can doing anything she puts her mind too.
Krystal is strong, she is confident, she can doing anything she puts her mind too.

And now she’s ready to start her day.

When it came time for the Rose Ceremony, which was bumped up because the boring race car driver had made up his mind (i.e. budget cuts,) Krystal felt the need to make one last ditch effort to stay in the boring race car driver’s good graces. Bold move, Krystal. You didn’t really say all that much once you did pull the boring race car driver away, but it didn’t matter. Mission accomplished.

Well played, Krystal. You really can do anything you put your mind too.

Who survived the week? Becca M., Krystal, Sienne, Maquel, Jacqueline, BeKAH, Jenna, Chelsea, Tia, Lauren B., Kendall, Ashley and Marikh. I’m still not sure who Ashley is, but whatever.

Final Four Predictions: Tia, BeKAH, Lauren B., Kendall

I’d give Krystal two more weeks before she flames out.









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