On Monday night as frigid temperatures continued to hammer the east coast and the lingering effects of New Year’s Eve continued to…wait, is it New Year’s Eve or New Years’ Eve? I suppose I could Google it, but I suppose I could do a lot of things right now. Let’s just move on and cut to the chase. The 22nd season of The Bachelor got started, got it’s engines running (wink.)
Oh, the engines running thing? It’s because the Bachelor is this dude Arie and if you need to know only but a handful of sweet nuggets of information about Arie, here you go.
- He used to drive race cars
- He has gray hair because he’s old
- He was on The Bachelorette a couple of years ago
- He didn’t win
That’s about it.
And now? Now we’re done with Arie. Let’s not play games, let’s not kid ourselves and pretend that Arie the Gray-Haired Former Race Car Driver matters because he doesn’t. That’s actually probably a good thing because that dude is an empty suit whose only method of communication is race car-centric puns (next week he’s in the driver’s seat…GET IT? DRIVER’S SEAT!) You can tell me that the puns and jokes based on his history of driving super duper fast will get old soon and of course I’ll believe you because of course they will. But for old-times sake, let’s say Arie is a race car and as a race car, that junker is running on fumes. There just isn’t much in the tank.
For example, Bekah, the sea nymph who is definitely not as old as she says she is and she says she’s 22, which means at the very least she’s 21, which is crazy young considering Arie is crazy old, asks dear Arie to name three things that make him excited to be alive. She asks this as they sit atop the red Mustang she made her entrance in because the producers like her and the ladies the producers have the smart money on get props. So what does Arie say, how does he answer this incredibly easy softball question? Does he say the adventure that awaits? Does he say getting to know these wonderful women? Does he say nap time (because he’s old?)
The first thing Arie says that makes him excited to be alive is…wait for it…excitement.
Oh, but he then tried to clarify and say “adrenaline” but we all heard you say “excitement.” We all clearly remember where we were and what we were doing when Arie answered the question what three things make him excited to be alive with “excitement.” I was folding laundry. My wife was sitting next to me, the dog next to her and the child upstairs sleeping and dreaming about Paw Patrol. Never going to forget that moment.
So it’s decided, we’ll never mention Arie again because it’s a waste of time.
We will continue to mention the ladies vying for Arie’s affection though, and we’ll start with Chelsea because on Tuesday morning, all conversations regarding the season premiere of The Bachelor start and end with Chelsea. Chelsea is a single mother from Portland, Maine. I am from Portland, Maine. Portland, Maine is a lovely place, if not the loveliest place in the whole wide world. I am automatically rooting for Chelsea because of her being from Portland, Maine. Mainers stick together.
Chelsea isn’t going to make it easy though. Right off the bat she’s become a clear favorite in Vegas to be this season’s villain, although she doesn’t seem to be that hardcore of a villain, certainly not Courtney-level (Courtney being the villain all future villains strive to be like and inevitably fail to be like because Courtney wasn’t just the best villain ever, Courtney won the damn thing whereas most villains flame out in the middle of the season.) Chelsea is more akin to Olivia from Ben’s season and like Olivia, could very easily find herself also alone on a deserted island, watching a boats drives away.
But before that happens Chelsea is here to not make friends and as the preview would suggest, play the single-mom card when needed. Man, are we sure she’s from Portland, Maine?
Ha! She’s from South Portland, Maine. Big difference. South Portland? Dude, that’s like on the other side of the Fore River and if it weren’t for Red’s and access to some delightful beaches, it’d be nothing more than an afterthought or place people stay when all the good spots in Portland are taken. Please. South Portland. SoPo. I’m still in Chelsea’s corner because Maine is still Maine, but my loyalties aren’t nearly as strong.
And I’d like to stress to everyone listening that Chelsea isn’t going to be the villain this season. She will exhibit villain-like tendencies, but the real villain of the season will be Maquel.
Maquel is 23, worried that she’ll never find love and is the kind of good-looking that makes you question whether this is real life or not. (It is. I checked.) Maquel also rolled up in a race car and I don’t know if you knew this about Arie, he used to drive race cars. I know. No one talks about it. Maquel received the very last rose during the Rose Ceremony and as she strode confidently up to former race car driver and now dude who is in real estate Arie, she simply asked “why’d you do that to me?” And she didn’t say it in a cute way either. She said it in a way that sounded like she meant it. Probably because she did.
Maquel is like Wu Tang Clan, ladies. She’s nothing to (expletive deleted) with. Chelsea will have her moments, but Maquel will be there when the dust settles and there are only three or four ladies left. She has staying power and thus, more time to wreck some havoc and boost up her villainous bonafides.
What about everyone else?
Well, there’s Bekah the sea nymph who is some age old and it was hinted in the preview that the age she’s telling Arie might not be the age that is really her age. I know that as a society we’ve gotten soft on lying lately, but this is The Bachelor we’re talking about. Normal rules don’t apply. Lying will not be accepted. Bekah is doomed. That is also not how you spell Bekah.
I would say that Bibiana is someone to keep an eye on because that young lady, a former Miami Dolphins’ cheerleader, could best be described as spicy. In the preview she was heard saying things like don’t talk to me when I’m with my man, was seem storming off and shooing cameras away and even last night, seemed ready tussle if needed. Come on Bibiana, your name isn’t Lauren. No need to fight just yet. The Laurens do of course. There are anywhere from four to fifteen of them, so having them fight to the death only makes sense. Save your energy, Bibiana. You’ll need it. That first night won’t be the last time you’ll be asked to put in ungodly long hours as you battle for the affection of former race car driver and now dude who is in real estate Arie.
Bibiana, the sea nymph, Chelsea and Maquel all survived. So did Becca K., Kendall, Lauren G., Krystal, Lauren S., Marikh, Seinne, Caroline, Brittany T., Annaliese, Jenna, Valerie, Jacqueline, Jenny, Lauren B., Ashley, and Tia.
Three Laurens. Wow. Sucks to be the fourth one, especially because when she said she was from New Orleans, I’m pretty sure Arie said it was one of his favorite states. Really adds insult to injury. There’s also a Jenna and a Jenny, which could get confusing over time.
This is Jenna on the right and Jenny on the left. No wait, Jenna is on the left and Jenny is on the right.
No way that doesn’t get confusing. No way at all. Although if it helps, Jenna was the one you watched Monday night and whispered to the person next to you that girl is nuts.
There are no favorites right now. None. It’s anyone’s game.
Except for the sea nymph. She’ll be gone soon.