Stop laughing. Bumper Car Trauma, or BCT as it’s known to medical professionals, is a very real thing. Every year tens of people are affected by BCT, and as of today, there has been little progress made in finding a cure (thanks Obama.) To make matters worse, most health insurance plans refuse to cover BCT. What’s next health insurance plans? Failing to recognize Balloon Phobia or Cognitive Summer Walks on the Boardwalk Syndrome? It’s a travesty. It really is.

Thankfully we have people like Annaliese who are brave enough to call attention to the house of emotional horrors that is Bumper Car Trauma, as she bravely did on Monday’s episode of The Bachelor, i.e. “The One Where We Forgot Chelsea was the Villain and Krystal Became the Villain.” The episode’s group date featured a demolition derby because I’m not sure if you knew this or not, but Arie was a race car driver and that tasty factoid will be driven home at a minimum of 342 times per episode. Ugh, Arie. He’s basically a host on this show but whatever, we need to talk more about Bumper Car Trauma because finally someone is. Annaliese is a hero. Maybe that’s why she wore a mask last week. It wasn’t because she was the “kissing bandit.” That was a front. We all fell for it. Ha, we’re suckers.

Man comforts women with Bumper Car Trauma

Annaliese’s story of Bumper Car Trauma involves a bumper car, trauma, kids being malicious assholes, mirrors, lights and effin’ clowns. Also circus music, which is weird because usually the music playing in a bumper car arena is rock music released between 1976 and 1989. But either way, the circus music that was apparently playing when poor Annaliese had her run in (or was run into) with bumper cars and it haunts her to this day, thus the idea of participating in a grown-up version of bumper cars proved too much for her. She burst into tears while recounting her story. I’m surprised they didn’t just the pull the plug on the episode right then and there. ABC has no soul apparently. Certainly no sympathy for victims of BCT.

Shockingly the other ladies vying for Arie’s heart had little sympathy for Annaliese. Guys, they laughed at her. Wow. Talk about trauma. Now poor Annaliese is also going to have Telling People About Bumper Car Trauma Trauma and you guessed it, that too is not covered by most health care plans. Yet to the surprise of no one, Annaliese somehow was able to put her fears back in the locked emotional box of her bumper car-related pain and suffering and join the ladies in a friendly bout of demolition derby because absolutely nothing says romance like bashing into the object of your affection with a beat to shit car in the mud under the hot California sun. The Bachelor may not know how to properly handle BCT, but they at least have an idea how to best handle romance and the dance of courtship.

Sienne wins the derby. Wait, who is she again?

This is Sienne. She’s too good for this nonsense.

Oh, okay. Cool. Good for her. What’s her deal again? Oh she’s a Yale graduate and drop-dead gorgeous? Wonderful. I’m not sure she should be doing this show. I don’t want to say it’s because she might too good for both the show and Arie, but yes, she’s too good for both the show and Arie. Don’t just take my word for it. Take Arie’s, who upon learning of Sienne’s impressive background candidly admitted that wow, she’s a Yale graduate and I barely finished high school.

Oh but don’t worry, our boy Arie had a good time in high school and we know this because on the second of the episode’s two one-on-one dates he took Krystal to lovely Scottsdale, Arizona! I’m not knocking Scottsdale here, but even Scottsdalers or Scottsdalians have to admit that if you’re leaving L.A. in a private jet, accompanied by a film crew and some bomb ass catering, Scottsdale is not on the top of your list when it comes to destinations. But alas, that’s where Arie and Krystal were headed because even though they just met, Arie felt compelled to give her an afternoon tour of his humble upbringing in lovely Scottsdale.

Your new villain, Krystal

There was the Pizza Hut where he worked and the palm trees that dot the major thoroughfare where a young Arie had his first kiss. Lovely. Oh, can we go to his high school next please? You bet your ass, because we all want to show someone we just met our high school and tell them that our high school experience was “good.” No joke. The kind of people who describe their high school experience as good are the same soulless vampires who have little to no respect for people suffering from Bumper Car Trauma. Arie also tries to play it cool as they toured the cafeteria (WHAT KIND OF DATE IS THIS???) by pointing out the part of the cafeteria where the art kids and band kids sat. Editor’s note: he said this dismissively and that’s something an asshole would do. Krystal casually mentioned that she was both an art kid and a band kid in high school, but let’s be honest, her voice is so damn annoying that by that point of the date Arie had probably started just blocking it out and smiling and nodding anytime she talked.

How do you follow up such a sweet date, though? If you guessed taking your date home and watching old home movies, then you win, which is nice because as viewers, we all lost. I don’t think anyone wants to watch their own old home movies, let alone someone else’s. But Krystal is a good sport and endures the lovely look back at Arie’s life and manages to not make the side comments I made about the wonderful display of 80’s clothes worn by Arie’s parents. And hey, speaking of his parents, why not go meet them next? Who wouldn’t want to do that on a first date?

And we all noticed that Krystal looks a lot like Arie’s mom, right? We all picked up on that, right? We all made a comment about it, right? We all quietly said “well that makes sense,” right?

Let’s move on because we should, even though Krystal didn’t. She stayed on, very on, and when it came time for the cocktail party, she had taken it upon herself to assume she was the front runner. It wasn’t a good look for her and didn’t do much in terms of her favor-ability rating, in both the house and in my house. My wife is out on Krystal. My dog is out on Krystal. The various Elsa dolls that now live in my house thanks to Christmas are out on Krystal. Elyse just wants to know why the hell she sounds like that, with “that” being an imitation of what maybe a sex kitten sounds like who has been sucking helium. I’m pretty much out on her too, but not all the way and I’m mature enough to admit it’s because she is a very good looking lady and I’m not beyond pointing that out.

How does Bibiana feel about Krystal? I’m so glad you asked.

Krystal was lurking all night, but was doing so with the finesse of a steamroller. It was tough to watch, but then kind of fun when Bibiana called her out for it. Although as far as organizing a rebellion goes, I think Bibiana needs some work because as she issued her call to action, that being an endless disruption of any one-on-one time Krystal gets with Arie from this point forward, there didn’t seem to many ladies nodding in agreement, let alone standing up and giving a resounding and reinforcing “hell yes!” That would be concerning for me if I were Bibiana in the same way a bar checking IDs would be concerning for BeKAH, who is definitely 18 or 19 years old and I’m sorry, you can’t convince me otherwise. Kim pointed out when BeKAH’s with Arie and knowing she’s a nanny, it just looks like he’s cheating on his wife with her. This is 100% accurate. My wife is the brains of the operation.

Quick check-in on last week’s villain Chelsea reveals that she’s a mom, feels it’s a story that needs to be told and well, that’s about it. Not a good follow-up showing for her. Keep your chin up Chelsea. At least you’re not afraid of bumper cars.

In addition to Becca M., Krystal and Sienne, here are the other women who received roses: Maquel, Jacqueline, Bekah, Jenna, Chelsea, Lauren S., Tia, Annaliese, Lauren B., Kendall, Brittany, Ashley, Marikh, Caroline, and Bibiana.

I don’t know who 70% of those women are, but I know that Arie worked at Pizza Hut in high school.

Sweet.

Categories: Bachelor Nation, Television

Tags: Bumper Car Trauma, the bachelor