The Downton Abbey Stock Market Midseason Report

By Ryan O'Connell on 01/27/2015 • ( 2 )

Do you hear that? That bell ringing? It’s the Downton Abbey Stock Market bell and it’s ringing in the halfway point of the show’s fifth season. It sounds like condescending remarks, alleged heroin use, old person marriage proposals and the casual discarding of pregnancy prevention devices.

So whose stock is up, whose stock is down, whose is standing pat? Four episodes in the books, four and a Christmas special yet to come and it’s the perfect time to take a look at the Downton Abbey Stock Market.

Stocks on the Rise

Cora

Cora, I love you. You’re the best. Robert, I don’t think he appreciates you. And boy, he should. You deserve better, Cora. Now I don’t know if “better” is that smooth talking art dealer from Girls, but either way, no one puts baby in the corner, no one talks down to Cora. Keep being awesome, Cora. And also, I fully expect big things from Cora in the next few episodes. There’s an undercurrent of uprising among the majority of the women on this show, Cora included. I don’t know what she’s going to do, I just think she’ll do something. Oh, and she’s totally not going to cheat on Robert. Cora is too classy for that. She might dance a few steps, but she won’t dance the whole number.

Rose

Hey now Lady Rose, really and in a sly, slow burn kind of way, is coming into her own this season. She’s bringing technology to Downton, she’s making sure Russian bellies are fed, she’s letting her newly divorced Dad know that she’s not down for any kind of old school, arranged marriage. Rose, get this, intends to get married because she loves a dude. What??? That’s crazy talk, Rose. But hey, more power to you, girl.

Daisy

I can’t relate to Daisy. I learned math and I wanted nothing to do with any other kind of learning. Daisy though, learned some math and next thing you know, she’s ready to serve as secretary to blossoming revolutions. Good for you, Daisy.

Mrs. Hughes

If life at Downton is a marathon, Mrs. Hughes is settled in, listening to some tunes on her iPod and is comfortable finishing with a time that may not be a winning time, but is a personal best. Mrs. Hughes keeps on being Ms. Reliable, the Steady Eddie of Downton. She’s the kind of stock you want to attach a 401K to if you’re not keen on being risky, gambling with your future. If you want a steady option, albeit a steady option that can still bring in a quality return, then Mrs. Hughes is for you.

Stocks Falling

Lady Edith

Oh Edith. You know what Edith translates to in aristocratic British? I’ll tell you- shitty effin’ luck. Last season Edith found the love of her life, only for him to be killed by pre-Nazis while in Germany. But…and this is a pretty big but, not before said love of her life left a little something behind, something for her to remember her by…for the rest of her life. So Edith shoved on to Switzerland or something, had the baby and everything was cool. Right? Nope. She kind of couldn’t let it go, “it” being her baby and dude, who could blame her! But then Edith concocted a plan that was doomed from the jump and it was doomed from the execution and was doomed from the ramifications. She lurked, she did drop in’s. Drop in’s are the worst! I can only imagine drop in’s from the rich people down the street are the super worst! I feel bad for Edith but to an extent. She made her bed and now she’s sleeping in it. Things might change, but for now, Edith is living it up in Struggle City.

The Earl of Grantham

Kind of a being a big ol’ douche rocket this season.

Tony Gillingham

Flat out shut down Mary’s attempt to “it’s not you, it’s me” him.

Mr. Bates

Dude, you’re not doing yourself any favors. Did you kill that rapist ass clown or not? Just admit it. If you did, here’s the thing, we’d all be cool with it. Every single one of us. So if you did, just admit it. If anything, admit it to Mrs. Hughes. She’ll vault it & make it right, because that’s what Mrs. Hughes does. She makes things right.

Mr. Carson

GET OFF MY LAWN!

What’s that? That’s essentially what Carson’s inner monologue has been screaming this entire season. He also misses the day when musicians played real music and played instruments. He also has no use for The Internet or The Email.

Thomas

Dude, heroin? Didn’t you see Trainspotting?

Ms. Bunting

Ms. Bunting, can we talk for a second? I respect your passion, I tip my hat to everything you’ve done while working with Daisy and yeah, I think you and Branson would be totes adorbs together. But here’s the thing, I’m a firm believer in the idea of picking your spots. And you Ms. Bunting, you totally are not awesome at picking your spots. You want to have it out with Robert? Understandable. He’s been a total douche rocket and deserves a talking to. But you’re in his house, at his table, eating his food. That’s not the time. That’s not the place. You’re act was initially kind of endearing. But now? Not so much.

Mr. Mosley

I want to be Head Footman! I want to be Head Footman! I want to be Head Footman.

Mr. Mosley, you’re now Head Footman. Here’s a bunch of work to do.

I don’t want to be Head Footman! I don’t want to be Head Footman! I don’t want to be Head Footman!

Come on buddy. You want the title, then you have to be cool with the added work load that comes with it.

Stocks Staying Put

Lady Mary

Yeah she could be considered kind of frosty at times and sure, she’s not the best big sister out there, but I’m ride or die with Lady Mary. Her stock has stayed put so far because it’s already so high and at this point in the season, nothing has really knocked it down a notch or pumped it up a peg. Mary just keeps being awesome.

Branson

Right now, at this very moment, Tom’s stock is stagnant but is there any doubt that that could change before this season is over? He seems like he’s at a cross roads- blood-soaked revolutionary or Downton savior. No doubt it’ll be interesting to see what road he ends up taking.

Isobel

The artist formerly known as Matthew’s Mom and currently known as The Delightful Old Woman, Isobel is handling marriage proposals, constantly putting the Dowager in her place and tending to a delightful garden. If you’re looking for a safe stock, one that is certain not to dip, but also might not bump up that much, stock in Isobel is the way to go.

The Dowager

Generally, the Dowager’s stock is constantly on the rise. But this season, kind of like with Lady Mary’s stock, it’s flat-lined, but flat-lined near the ceiling, which isn’t really that bad of a place for a stock to be.*

*to be fair, I don’t really have a clear picture of what actual stocks are like

Anna

Anna is Mrs. Hughes-in-waiting and I would say her stock would be on the rise if not for her obsession with the did he or didn’t he problem as it relates to whether or not Bates killed that guy. I think Anna just needs to say eff it, assume her boo took care of business and busy herself with the business of covering his tracks.

Charles Blake

This dude is a smooth operator. Let Gillingham do the leg work, let him fly to close to the sun and burn out in a burst of flames. Then when the dust settles, be there ready to pounce. Smooth Blake, very smooth. My advice, buy stock in this fella now.

Mrs. Patmore

I love Mrs. Patmore. I want to hang out with Mrs. Patmore. I want to do some drinking with Mrs. Patmore and listen to her tell dirty jokes and crazy stories all night. And admit it, you do to.