A Super Super Bowl Preview

MZ4jKkqDeflated footballs, the silent treatment, an incompetent commissioner- none of that matters come this Sunday night- Super Bowl 49, the New England Patriots vs the Seattle Seahawks. A nice little duel in the desert between the two best teams. No wild card team, no dominant team. Just two great teams. It’s going to be a hell of a game, one that will most likely be won by the team who has the ball with five minutes to go.

Giddy up. I’m stoked.

I’m so fired up for this game that a traditional preview wouldn’t do. No, sir. An all-encompassing preview needed to happen.

And so…

Giddy Up America’s Super Super Bowl 49 Preview

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First Things First…

My prediction: Patriots 24, Seahawks 17

Why? Because the Patriots’ defense is better than Seattle’s offense and I think that will be the deciding factor of the game. The Seahawks will hold the Patriots to only a few scores, but there’s no way the Pats’ defense gives up a few scores.

However… the Seahawks win if Tom Brady throws more than 2 interceptions.

But ultimately… it’ll be a close game.

MVP: Thomas Football Brady

Five Players (Besides the Quarterbacks) Who Will Define This Game

5. Richard Sherman
4. Kam Chancellor
3. Julian Edelman
2. Rob Gronkowski
1. Marshawn Lynch

Honorable Mention: Darrelle Revis, Vince Wilfork, Earl Thomas

A Few Over/Unders

27: number of times Deflategate gets mentioned
11: number of times that tricky formations used by the Patriots are mentioned
5: number of times Marshawn Lynch’s press conferences are references
3: number of times Roger Goodell is shown during the game

And Now This…

Seattle the city vs. Boston the city

BANDS

Seattle
Pearl Jam
Nirvana
Soundgarden
Foo Fighters
Alice in Chains

Boston
Aerosmith
Dropkick Murphys
The Mighty Mighty Bosstones
Gang Starr
Boston

Winner: Seattle
This is a no contest, complete knock out win for Seattle. Frankly, there is only one surprise here- Gang Starr is from Boston? I did not know that.

ACTORS

Seattle
Rainn Wilson
Carrie Brownstein
Ryan Stiles
Richard Karn
Erika Christenson

Boston
Ben Affleck
Matt Damon
Mark Whalberg
Chris Evans
Uma Thurman

Winner: Boston
And now, a no contest, complete knock out win for Beantown! You would have thought that more famous actors would be from Seattle. Maybe all the talented people there focus their talents on music instead of acting?

Movies Set in the City

Seattle
10 Things I Hate About You
Sleepless in Seattle
Say Anything
Singles
Harry & the Hendersons

Boston
The Town
The Departed
Good Will Hunting
Fever Pitch
Ted

Winner: Boston
Those first three Boston movies are serious heavy-hitters. However, you can’t knock Say Anything and Singles, two classics. But three classics beats two classics. And that’s math.

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Speed Round!

Coffee: Starbucks vs. Dunkin’ Donuts

Dunky D’s! Love ’em. But…Starbucks is like, better.

Winner: Seattle

Market: Quincy Market vs. Pike Place Market

Really? Flying fish or American history?

Winner: Boston

Prominent Weather: Rain vs. Snow

Snow is shitty, but rain sucks.

Winner: Boston

Version of Jason Varitek: Seattle Mariners vs. Boston Red Sox

Come on now.

pg2_g_arod_varitek1_576

Winner: Boston

Better Neighboring Portland: Portland, Oregon vs. Portland, Maine

Portlandia, the Trail Blazers, one of two other cool things. Yeah, I mean…

Winner: Boston (Portland, Maine is one of the greatest places on Earth)

Use Your Delusion: A Pats’ Homer’s Take on Deflategate

Oh my God, I’ve hated every minute of this. Talk about a buzzkill. I was flying high after the Pats’ AFC Championship win over the Colts. And then Monday morning, I started seeing things about the initial allegations being brought against the Pats and their use of under inflated footballs. I didn’t even know that footballs needed to weigh a certain amount. Last week I was an emotional wreck as day after day the Pats were being demolished by the media and the like for once again cheating. Once again cheating? Okay hold on a second. The one time the Pats were legitimately busted for cheating was in 2007. Maybe you’ve heard of it- Spygate. They got busted, paid the price, didn’t win the Super Bowl, didn’t finish off a perfect season. Case closed. But since then? The Patriots haven’t been busted since. Sure there have been allegations. But actual infractions? Actual punishments? There haven’t been any. Just some whispers, just some rumors, just some finger-pointing. So while yes, I agree, technically the Patriots are cheaters, I think it’s a stretch to say that they are habitual cheaters, exist within a culture of cheating and them getting caught deflating footballs was yet again, another instance of them getting caught cheating. Get your facts straight, America. Stop exaggerating. No one likes exaggerators.

And the NFL has been a joke during this whole thing and if they did anything correctly, it was launch a pretty devastating smear campaign against the Patriots. The constant stream of leaks has been insane. How is this so hard? Were the balls deflated or not? And if so, were the deflated intentionally? Done and done. If you can prove it, do it. If not, let’s move on. Of course the NFL doesn’t necessarily have to prove it. They can throw the hammer down on just the most minimal shred of actual evidence. But whatever! Either shit or get off the pot! And speaking of pots, a dude goes into the bathroom for 90 seconds and he’s a criminal mastermind? Please.

Here’s what I think happened- Tom Brady likes footballs inflated to the lowest possible PSI allowed. Because it’s usually cold as shit during Pats’ home games, the balls normally deflate a little throughout the game. That’s it. No conspiracy, no scheming, no monkey business. And I think it’s how every team does it, provided of course that’s what their starting quarterback wants. Done and done. And don’t even get me started on all these former players calling the Pats out as cheaters- oddly enough, all players who lost to the Pats at one time or another. And Ray Lewis? Please dude. You’re a joke. And that’s a statement that needs no asterisk.

Okay, I’m done.

But first…

One Last Thing About Deflategate

The Three Best Super Bowl-Related Internet Clips

3. The Daily Show tackles Deflategate

Nailed it, as per usual.

2. Marshawn Lynch & Gronk play video games on Conan

1. I am the Locker Room Guy from Jimmy Kimmel Live

And finally…

New-England-Patriots-Tom-Brady2

Go Pats.

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