The beetle story.
Tyrion told it in his dimly dungeon abode, about how one of the Lannister cousins, one of the dimmer bulbs in the cabinet, used to spend his days smashing beetles with a rock. At first Tyrion laughed at his cousin. Who wouldn’t? But he eventually became fascinated with his cousin and wondered, why was he doing what he was doing? Why spend day after day smashing defenseless beetles?
As an audience we had to wonder, why delay what we were all waiting for, that being the battle for Tyrion’s life between Oberyn and the Mountain, with a story about a numskull smashing beetles? What was the point? What was the story about?
Well I’ll save you some time. If that story wasn’t a story about writer George R.R. Martin’s writing style, a style in which he mercilessly kills one character after another, seemingly without reason or emotion, than I don’t know what it was.
Now let’s get on with this week’s rankings.
Giddy Up America’s Game of Thrones Plot Line Power Rankings: Week Eight
It’s Always Sunny in King’s Landing
All weekend long I was looking forward to this episode of Game of Thrones almost solely for the battle between Prince Oberyn and the Mountain. I wondered, would it take up the majority of the episode? Would it kick it off? Would it take up the second half of the episode, kind of like how the Purple Wedding did?
Foolish Ryno. This is Game of Thrones, not amateur hour. A normal show might cater to us, indulge in some weak fan service, but not Game of Thrones. They make you wait for it, earn it. And earn it we did- with the pay off being a great scene between Tyrion and Jaime shooting the shit before game day and then the fight scene, which totally didn’t disappoint. Well until the end at least. Then it was kind of disappointing, especially for the pro-Oberyn crowd.
Yeah, thanks guys. Like that’s not going to be stuck in my head for the rest of the day. A simple lopping off of Oberyn’s head would have totally sufficed. Crushing it? Just like my hopes and dreams, you done did it. Assholes.
But we shouldn’t have been surprised. And actually, the only time something on Game of Thrones should have surprised us and also the last time was the beheading of Ned Stark. That was the moment when we all collectively should have realized that this particular television program wasn’t like any of the others. Evil would always have the upper hand on Good. Fair was something people considered the weather, certainly not the condition of life. Game of Thrones is a marathon of mis-fortune for both our favorite characters and for the audience. We should have learned by now, don’t get attached! Stay distant! Stay friends! Just keep it casual, dude. We’ve been down this road before. Remember Renly? Yeah, Renly. He was a good guy. Oh and then he died. And Robb Stark, also a good guy. And then he died. Catelyn Stark- questionable decision making, but ultimately a good mother and then yeah she’s dead. So far the only truly satisfying death we’ve seen on Game of Thrones was Joffrey’s but even that was kind, meh, if only because we really wanted someone awesome like Arya to kill him. I mean, someone pretty ok like Arya to kill him. Remember, don’t get too attached. God forbid you ever say something like, Oberyn is totally my favorite character now. That’s a death sentence.
But what does that say about Tyrion’s future. One of the things almost every Game of Thrones’ fan can agree on is there love of Tyrion. But if almost every other character we’ve loved has died, with the exception of Arya, whose to say Tyrion couldn’t be next. It definitely looks like he’s next. I’m not sure how he gets out of this one and if there is a way, I’d have to think it’s because one of the following things happen…
The First Possible Way Tyrion Escapes Execution: Word of the assault on the Wall (looks like this is next week) reaches King’s Landing and distracts everyone. Tywin remembers Tyrion was actually pretty astute at strategy and grants him a stay of execution.
The Second Possible Way Tyrion Escapes Execution: Jaime cuts another deal with Tywin, similar to their last deal in which Jaime stepped down from the King’s Guard to move back home and father him some kiddos, but maybe with an added caveat- like the first born is named Tywin or something like that. Admittedly, this one is a little weak but ultimately so are Tyrion’s chances of survival.
The Third Possible Way Tyrion Escapes Execution: Tywin dies, chaos ensues, here comes Stannis, there go the Lannisters and HOLY SHIT THERE ARE WHITE WALKERS!
Those are the only ways I can imagine Tyrion making it to season five.
Little Finger, Big Plans
Let’s get this out of the way first…why the hell does Littlefinger sound like Bane all of sudden? Totally distracting. And look, I’m not alone in thinking this.
Moving on, I’d like to now congratulate Sansa on waking the eff up and realizing that if she ever wants to see home again, let alone build another snowy replica of it, she needs to get her shit together, hitch her wagon to a rising star and start playing offense instead of weak defense. Sansa never had much groove per say, but if she did, then home girl went and got it back!
She’s definitely not out of the woods yet, or even the creepy confines of the Eyrie for that matter, but at least she’s making moves. It’s true, the devil you know is always better than the devil you don’t. Even when said devil sounds like he gargles regularly with gravel and stale Cheerios.
Oh and Robyn, you’re totally going to die soon. Sorry to break it to you.
The Mis-Education of Daenerys Hill
Grey Worm and Missandei are adorable. Missandei is definitely going to do an archeological survey in the near future to see what remains of the ruins of Grey Worm’s nether regions.
As for Jorah, poor Jorah.
What becomes of Jorah now? Is he gone for good or primed for a comeback somewhere down the line? I feel like you could also give the same advice to Daenerys that Sansa took- you know, the whole devil you know versus the devil you don’t thing. Jorah might have been a punk ass in the early on, but he’s been your loyal number two for a while now. He was there before things got all cushy in Mereen. As far as entourages go, he’s definitely more of Turtle than…well whatever the opposite of Turtle would be. Probably someone in Bieber’s entourage. I think Danys will come to regret giving him the boot. If only because dudes like Darrio come and go, but gentlemen like Jorah are in it for the long haul.
At Least Jon Snow Knows Something Now
Hey, Ygritte’s back! And dude, she looks pissed! It’s true, that Jon Snow is a heart breaker. Some prime table-setting up at the Wall this week as the real nitty gritty seems to be coming next week, the nitty gritty being the Wildlings assault on the Wall. I can’t wait for Acting Commander Buzz Kill to berate Jon a couple times only for him to mumble to Jon at some point, probably around the thirty five minute mark, I never should have doubted you, Lord Snow. Too little, too late, sir. Game of Thrones does indulge the audience every once in a while and it’d be thumbs up, super awesome if this week we get Ygritte killing Acting Commander Buzz Kill. Not sure if that’s too much to ask, though.
Arya, your crazy aunt is dead and your future is presumably more eff’d than it was five minutes ago.
How do you feel?
Not what we expected.
Home to Roose
I like the sunburn on my left shoulder more than I like anything involving Roose Bolton, Ramsey
Snow Bolton and Reek/Theon.