There’s a lot to get through with this week’s episode of Game of Thrones, “Mockingbird, so let’s put on some James Brown and get down to it.
Giddy Up America’s Game of Thrones Plot Line Power Rankings: Week Seven
It’s Always Sunny in King’s Landing
Last week’s episode and the “trial” of Tyrion left us all asking the same question- who would be Tyrion’s champion? Oh, it all left us to remember that there is no greater danger in the world than a scorned and vengeful ex-girlfriend. But who would stand up and fight for Tyrion in his Trial by Combat, the Sequel? Jaime? Bronn? A Player to be Named Later? Would Tyrion get in the ring himself? But he gave away his trusty ax to Podrick. Who would it be?
Well it wouldn’t be Jaime. In jailhouse visit number 1, the brothers dished on some family gossip and got real- Jaime would be no match for the Mountain. Yeah, the Mountain, a.k.a. The Hound’s big brother and character now being played by a third different actor, this dude…
Don’t be fooled by his love on Instagram- he’s a beast and also clearly too much competition for a one handed dude like Jaime. So Jaime is out.
And so is Bronn.
But…Bronn? Really? He’s like, Tyrion bestie. They’re like Leo and Jonah in The Wolf of Wall Street minus the polo shirts and quaaludes.
Cersei got to Bronn, though, and offered him a nice rich wife and prospects for land, money and fancy new clothes. Too good to pass up. Bronn was at least nice enough to give Tyrion a chance to counter. Unfortunately Tyrion’s offer included far too many maybes and if’s for Bronn to seriously consider. Because you know, it’s the Mountain he’d be fighting, not some geek off the street like back at the Eyrie. Bronn is nothing if not a realist and knows he’d have no chance. But if he did have a chance, he’d need a lot more than the promise of new digs up in the snowy north. Bronn is a warm weather dude- much more Florida than Minnesota. I really hope it’s not the last time we see Bronn. Kind of seems like it is, though. But we also never thought we’d see Hot Pie again and that son of a gun is still kicking around. So you never know.
So that leaves…Prince Oberyn Martell.
How great is Oberyn? That’s easy- he’s VERY GREAT! Last week I listed my favorite characters on the show and only a week later, that list has changed.
Here’s how the list of Giddy Up America’s favorite characters looks today:
1. Prince Oberyn (previously #3)
3. Arya (previously #4)
4. Bronn (previously #1)
5. Ser Davos
Now it all seems so simple and straight forward. People have been talking about the Mountain all season, how bad ass he is. And Oberyn came to King’s Landing, largely, if not solely driven by revenge- he wants to kill the Mountain for killing his sister. When Tyrion dropped the mic last week with his demanding of a Trial by Combat, the main names thrown out there were Bronn, Jaime and Tommen. No, not Tommen. What is Tommen doing these days? I have a guess. Either way, the Mountain and Oberyn- not much chatter about then. But then Cersei selected the Mountain and for Oberyn, everything fell into place better than a locked door at an orgy. He would fight for Tyrion, he would be his champion. And the crowd went wild! And by crowd, I mean me. I went wild. Then I sneezed a lot. Damn allergies. But I recovered and applauded. Then scene between Oberyn and Tyrion was the stuff dreams are made of- so good and so effin’ well played by both dudes. I loved how Oberyn saw through Cersei’s bullshit and cunningly drove a wedge even further between Cersei and Tyrion by so smoothly reminding him that homegirl has wanted him dead since he was born. I mean, she pinched his baby wanger. No cool, man. Not cool at all.
And now it’s all set- Oberyn versus the Mountain. Giddy up…Westeros.
Little Finger, Big Plans/Sansa in the Wind
From the moment Sansa arrived at the Eyrie and laid eyes on the Moon Door, there was a looming, Chekhov’s Gun feeling of dread that she’d be the latest person to “fly” away. That feeling was only made greater by bitch slapping Robin and stealing kisses from Littlefinger- this last one being witnessed by ol’ Crazy Eyes herself, Lysa. Was this the end of the line for Sansa? Was Robin’s destruction of her snow castle rendition of Winterfell symbolic?
Lysa, owner of the Moon Door- you forgot the first and most basic rule when it comes to Moon Door ownership- never stand near an open moon door and let your guard down. What is this, amateur hour?
Littlefinger’s plans came more into focus this week as well. They’re actually pretty simple- if he can’t have the mother, then her daughter will do. Kill a king, kill a wife, kill another king- whatever it takes to get him some Catelyn, or at the very least, the essence of Catelyn. And we all say…yuck. And then we all say, hurry Brienne, this is getting gross.
Big week for Game of Thrones’ buddy comedies. First there was some tenderness and bonding between Arya and the Hound, who are now aware of two things: 1.) there is a price on the Hound’s head for going AWOL and 2.) Joffrey is dead. The second thing was such a cool reminder that we, the audience, know more than half of the characters on this show. This was also evident when Hot Pie, making his triumphant comeback, informed Brienne and Pod that Arya was totes not dead, bro, but totes alive. And totes most likely headed to the Eyrie. This led Pod to totes surmise that there is a good chance Sansa might totes be there too.
And thus we moved even closer to the potential dream pairing of these two duos. There was much rejoicing and bets being placed- does Brienne kill Littlefinger or does Pod. Oooohhh and what if Sansa and Pod get together? Or Pod and Arya…and then the Hound and Brienne? And they go on vacations together and become a power couple of power couples- like Jay Z & Beyonce and Chris Martin & Gwyenth? I’m going to keep thinking/dreaming about this. Let’s move on.
How the East Was Won & Dragons Were Tamed The Mis-Education of Daenerys Hill
Technically, not a heck of a lot happened here…again. Daenerys is becoming the San Antonio Spurs of Game of Thrones, boring regular season, strong at the end. I do like how she manages her staff, though- especially this week, when she literally managed Darrio’s staff and figuratively managed Jorah’s. Jorah got himself a Friend Zone victory too- yeah whatever, Darrio, she might have slept with you, but she confided in me. That’s nice. Now please, can we set sail for Westeros? Please. Pretty please.
At Least Jon Snow Knows Something Now
Good plan Jon, sealing off the tunnel so that the thousands and thousands of angry Wildlings headed for the Wall can’t waltz right through. Unfortunately said plan makes too much sense for ol’ Acting Commander Stick in the Mud, who’s jealousy of Jon is blinding him to the sane words coming out of his mouth. If this is leading to a mea culpa scene and the words- you were right all along, Jon. I’m sorry for doubting you, I might throw up. Game of Thrones does an incredible job at dancing around cliches, but they are knee deep in one up at Castle Black and it’s becoming a buzz kill.
Stannis Comin’ Yo
Just some casual girl talk between Stannis’ wife and Stannis’ little shorty on the side while their man is away. Oh and boobies. There were boobies.
No Game of Thrones next week. Have a good Memorial Day weekend and remember, literally no one on Earth knows what hot dogs are made of.