Do you watch Scandal? You should. You totally should. It’s the Reese’s Peanut Butter cups of television- hopelessly addictive, mildly not good for you, ultimately delicious.
There’s Olivia Pope, she’s a hurricane. She digs the President. The President digs her. The President is an idiot. He was genuinely surprised to learn that there were cameras in the White House. But it’s cool, he got elected thanks to vote rigging. I know, that’s a scandal. There’s Cyrus, the gay Chief of Staff and incredibly fast talker, Olivia’s crew of all stars from the Island of Misfit Toys, a Vice President who makes me uncomfortable and a district attorney with an affinity for redheads and for reminding people that yes, he’s a district attorney.
Oh, and there’s Huck. Huck Finn, played one of the dudes in Half Baked.
The show is currently in it’s third season. I however, am currently in in the middle of the second season. A little late to the Scandal party, I know. Nothing new though, as my darling wife and I didn’t start Breaking Bad until the show was nearing the finish line.
Another show we were late getting into was Downton Abbey. In the middle of watching the third season, I started thinking about which cast member would be the best drinking buddy. It prompted me to do the Downton Abbey Drinking Buddy Challenge. Spoiler Alert: Ms. Patmore won.
So let’s do the same for Scandal.
But first, let’s set the scene.
You’re at a bar in Georgetown, nothing to upscale, but not a dive bar either. The joint has funky lights and the soundtrack is uptempo dub step- whatever the hell that is. For your drinking buddy, for your partner in crime for the evening, you can only choose one character from Scandal, a character who has been in the show up until the point I’m at (halfway through season two.)
Let’s do this.
Giddy Up America’s Drinking Buddy Challenge: Scandal
15. Vice President Sally Langston
She scares me. Makes me nervous and uncomfortable. She’s also super religious, so does she even drink? If she does, probably not in public. I could see her drinking Brandy, which I tried for the first time last week. It was gross. This is a dead end.
14. Hollis Doyle
Hollis would be in last place if not for the Vice President. He can kick around his folksy wisdom and sayings that don’t make any sense to me somewhere else. Plus is there any doubt he’d stick you with the bill?
13. Senator Edison Davis
Can I just throw it out there that the character names on Scandal are ridiculous. Edison Davis. Fitzgerald Grant the third. Cyrus Beene. I love them, but they’re borderline absurd. But back to Davis, a night of drinks with a dude obsessed with a woman who isn’t even close to obsessed with him and routinely reminds people that he’s the head of the Senate? Pass.
12. James Novak
I’m not the liability drunk I was in my younger days, but that’s not to say I still don’t have the capacity to do something kind of dumb while drunk. The last thing I need is my partner in crime turning around and writing about it the next day.
11. David Rosen
Rosen would be higher if, like Davis, he wasn’t constantly reminding people what his job is. I’m a United States District Attorney. That’s awesome. I’m annoyed.
10. Quinn Perkins/Lindsay Dwyer
Never drink with any of the following people:
– Someone who has been struck by lightning more than once
– a Yankees’ fan
– Someone with two names
9. President Fitzgerald Grant the Third
As cool as it would be to spend a night drinking with a sitting President, I think I’d pass on doing so with ol’ Fitz. For one thing, he’d ditch me halfway through the night to stand outside Olivia’s window, holding up a boombox that’s playing “In Your Eyes.” And another thing is that homeboy is kind of a tool. He’d talk over you, talk too much and talk too loudly because of his need to be adored. Yeah, psychology. There’s positives and negatives here, but the negatives outweigh the positives.
Come on, you’d totally end up killing someone.
7. First Lady Mellie Grant
From Elyse: She is a super strong and confident woman with her own flaws and her own insecurities, but she knows what she wants. She really is a FIERCE woman. And she constantly comments on the “old boys club” and then pushes her way in and makes sure she has a seat at the table. Even when she is vulnerable or dealing with the fact that the man she loved (at some point, not sure is she still does) is having a passionate love affair she always seems to come out on top. She is real…she is probably the realest character on the show
From me: Sure. And I bet she’d be a fun person to drink with.
6. Cyrus Beene
Cyrus has fantastic Wildcard Drunk potential and that’s always exciting. He also has the potential to go on and on about how wonderful Grant is, especially once he gets a few drinks in him. I’d take the risk.
5. Alissa, David Rosen’s assistant
Dude, I love every time this fire cracker is on screen. She should be on more. The fact that she isn’t, well that right there is…wait for it…yup, a scandal.
4. Abby Whelan
Two words: free drinks. Abby would totally get us free drinks. And you know what free drinks always are?
3. Supreme Court Justice Verna Thorton
She’d have some great stories, some great jokes and would be a great time. I bet she’d swear a lot, which works out well because I do too when drinking. I could see us eventually ditching the Georgetown bar for a seedier spot and Verna singing along to Johnny Cash while doing shots of whiskey. She’d probably call everyone Charlie, too, which I’d find hilarious.
2. Olivia Pope
I’d be distracted, because I’d be lost in her eyes with little to no hope of finding my way out. Like Verna, I bet she’d have some fun stories and I think she, like Cyrus, has some Wildcard Drunk potential. Negatives though…ditching me to go see Fitz, being on her phone the whole time, looking over my shoulder at the television. All of which I’d be cool with. Totally cool with.
1. Harrison Wright
We’d have to set rules. Mainly one rule. Talk slower, home skillet.