Drinking Buddies: Scandal

By Ryan O'Connell on 12/16/2013 • ( 5 )

A few weeks ago, while knee deep in season two of Scandal, I gave the show’s characters Giddy Up America’s Drinking Buddy Challenge. It’s simple, which character would be the best drinking buddy. You can see the results HERE.

This weekend, The Wife and I got caught up and finished the first half of season three. It’s fair to say that there is a crater in our hearts now, a crater once filled by the succulent juiciness that is Scandal. February 27th can’t come soon enough.

But in the meantime, it’s time to update the Scandal Drinking Buddy Challenge.

First off, it’s the same scene as last time: You’re at a bar in Georgetown, nothing to upscale, but not a dive bar either. The joint has funky lights and the soundtrack is uptempo dub step- whatever the hell that is. For your drinking buddy, for your partner in crime for the evening, you can only choose one character from Scandal. That character must be a current regular character unless they warrant a special exception being made (i.e. Lisa Kudrow’s kick ass Congresswoman, Josie Marcus.)

Let’s go to work.

Giddy Up America’s Drinking Buddy Challenge: Scandal (UPDATED)

*previous rankings are in parenthesis

Characters no longer eligible:
Hollis Doyle (14)
Senator Edison Davis (13)
Alissa, David Rosen’s assistant (5)
Supreme Court Justice Verna Thorton (3)

15. Vice President Sally Langston (15)

She still scares me, still makes me nervous, still makes me uncomfortable. Little bit of a loose cannon too, with a secret ability to become psychotically unhinged. Yeah, still going to pass on this one.

14. President Fitzgerland Grant (9)

No. Big, fat no. Wouldn’t listen to my whimsically, enjoyable stories or my clever jokes. Homeboy would be on his phone the whole time with Olivia or whining about his Dad (who is an effin’ monster by the way) or rifling through papers in manilla folders like he’s an extra on Mad Men. I can’t stand Fitz. Can’t stand him at all. You’re the President! We know that because like every character on Scandal, you’re constantly proclaiming what your title is. Act like the President! Stop building dream houses in Vermont and get back to running this glorious republic Cyrus is talking about the whole time.

13. Charlie (previously unranked)

Creep. Total creep. Doesn’t deserve to rock a throwback Whalers’ hat. Probably doesn’t even know who the Whalers are. Creep and a phony.

12. Huck (8)

I don’t drink with a dude who might lick my face at some point. It’s one of my rules.

11. Quinn Perkins (10)

Quinn went rogue this season, went off the reservation. And while yes, I felt a little bad for her given the way Huck was treating her, I don’t feel bad for her that she got duped into killing a dude. That was her own damn fault. It’s generally not the best move to spend a night boozing with someone who suffers from “blood lust.”

10. Rowan Pope (previously unranked)

I’m cool with talking about mastodons- whether it’s either the animal or the band. I am however, not that cool with talking about super secret shadow governments and plots to kill people. I like my plots fun. Like hey, let’s plot to short sheet someone’s bed or let’s plot to make cookies. If Rowan wants to talk about those plots, giddy up. If not, giddy down.

9. Cyrus Beene (6)

I have another rule- don’t drink with someone who admits to having a “666” on their forehead.

8. Josey Marcus (previously unranked)

On the real- I wish she had stayed around longer. I liked her. On the unreal- would be a damn good time to drink with. She’d have some fun stories and jokes. Maybe even after a few drinks, she’d sing “Smelly Cat.” Total win.

7. Olivia Pope (2)

Pretty sure a night out with Olivia would sound like this…

Hey, I’m right here. pause. Can you stop looking at your phone? pause. I’m talking and you’re not even listening. pause. No, I don’t want to hear another story about Fitz. pause. Oh cool, you’re phone is ringing again. Let me guess- Harrison? pause. No, no one wants to hear about the President’s wang. pause. Well honestly, everyone’s parents are a little nuts. pause. The Nationals! The baseball team! You’re not even listening to me! pause. I still don’t want to hear about the President’s wang. pause. Well if you want to talk about murderers, we can talk about how you’re murdering a perfectly good night on the town.

6. James Novak (12)

So yeah, James is totally the most unsympathetic sympathetic character there is. I want to feel bad for him and would more, if only he’d stop whining so much. Dude, you’re a journalist! Get your own scoops! But, with that being said, I like James. He seems like a good dude, a nice dude who is probably a good conversationalist.

5. Tom, you know, the Secret Service Agent (previously unranked)

I like Tom. Loyal, quiet. I bet he’s a football fan. He probably likes a lot of sports and I’d even go so far as to say that with a few drinks, he’d be up to sing “Wagon Wheel” with me. Although we’d probably disagree which version is better- the Hootie version or the Old Crow Medicine Show version. But that’s cool. Buddies don’t have to agree on everything.

5. First Lady Mellie Grant (7)

I’m pro-Mellie. I’m very pro-Mellie. If we spent the whole night talking smack about Fitz, I’m totally on board with that.

4. David Rosen (11)

Hey now David Rosen! Comeback Player of the Year! Maybe he’s not the best lawyer out there, but dude I dig his sarcasm and sense of humor.

3. Abby Whelan (4)

I’m not going wonder which Abby I’d be hanging out with- Season 1 and 2 Abby or Glammed Up Season 3 Abby. I don’t care. Either version of Abby would be a hell of a lot of fun to hang out with and would still be able to get us free drinks- even if it meant hijacking into a mainframe, creating a fake campaign add or using a credit card to pick a lock. I’m cool with all of those things! Especially if free drinks are involved.

And side note: Abby and David are totally on the top of the Potential Double Date Couples list for Scandal. I can’t even think who would be in second. Just think about some of the couples on this show: the Grants, Fitz & Olivia, Cyrus & James, Quinn & Charlie, Huck & a blow up doll. Not a lot to choose from, but it doesn’t diminish my desire to go on a double date with Abby and David. Not in the least.

2. Harrison Wright (2)

I still need him to talk slower, but I also still think he’d be fun to hang out with. I’d have to up my fashion game so as not to look like a homeless person sitting next to him- but that’s doable.

1. Jake Ballard (previously unranked)

You’re going to like, Jake.
Just wait until you meet Jake.
Jake is the best.

Props to my delightful coworkers because they were spot on about Jake. Jake is easily the most likeable character on Scandal. He’s also the one character who would be the easiest to have a few drinks with. No drama with Jake. Just some beers and a burger. Granted he’s Command now and could have you killed if you insult him with one of your jokes, but risk is fun. Besides, with a little luck my jokes would kill, so I’d say we’d be even.

Photos: ABC