There is a good amount of time between now and Sunday night at 9pm, when the eighth and final episode of this season of True Detective airs. Even if that amount of time is a flat circle or whatever, that’s still a lot of time to get lost asking yourself questions about the identity of the Yellow King, is there even a Yellow King, is the Louisiana Department of Tourism trying to keep HBO from setting anymore of their shows in their state because it’s killing tourism, will Hart find love on match.com?
So many questions, so many articles, so many hours.
It’s the perfect storm. It might be too much. You could get lost in a True Detective rabbit hole and be a brain-washed, cheap-beer swilling automaton by the time Sunday rolls around and forget that the show is even on. You could spend hours analyzing this picture from one of the show’s earlier episodes, a scene in the now defunct Hart household, wondering if Hart’s daughters are Carcosa-ites or it’s just a weird coincidence. Or both! Or neither! Or boeither.
I know…a scene totally similar to the scene Marty watched in Cohle’s Bat Cave last week.
True Detective, you might be blowing my gosh darn mind.
Or you might just be blowing smoke up my gosh darn kiester.
Either way, True Detectivehas sunk it’s meat hooks into the majority of our country and those lucky individuals are going to spend the next couple of days patiently or not patiently waiting for Sunday’s episode. You’re going to need something else to think about.
You are, whether you think you do or not.
Something like…hey, college basketball’s season is ending soon, meaning March Madness is coming up, I better see what’s up and start prepping…and that’d be valid. Syracuse has fallen off, Wichita State will most likely be a one seed and my Never Pick Duke to Advance Past the Sweet Sixteen Rule applies again. And that right there, that’s astute college basketball analysis.
Or you could think about this dope new track from Cody Chestnutt and Gary Clark, Jr., “Gunpowder on the Letter.” The track will be on Chestnutt’s upcoming B-sides and remixes version of his 2012 album, Landing on a Hundred. I’ll save you the time and tell you that this song is significantly better than any of those clown tracks on that Catch the Throne mix tape that came out today.
You could also think about how flat out absurd and sad it is that Fox News can spend hours and hours praising Putin and…no wait, don’t think about that.
Think about the return of Scandal…but not Olivia and Fitz’s relationship. Because COME ON! ENOUGH WITH THAT ALREADY! He’s the effin’ President for crying out loud and she’s supposed to be this dynamic icon of strong feminism…right? Right? RIGHT? Good God, enough with that baloney already. I miss the good old days, back in season one when a disheveled senator would come into the gang’s office, needing their help because he had sex with a clown or something. My car ran over a dinosaur egg! I need your help. That was fun. That was entertainment. I’m damn close to putting you on notice, Scandal. Damn close. As of now, you’re on my Keeping My Eye On You List and Not in a Good Way with New Girl. The New Girl? Yes, the New Girl. It hurts me to say it, but it’s true.
You could think about last week’s Oscars…which might still be going on.
Or how this season of Girls has been really strong.
Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus apparently are currently beefing. That’s kind of interesting. Without even knowing the facts, I’m Team Katy.
Spend a little bit of time thinking about how annoyingly catchy that “Timber” song is and realize, just like I did, that the hook is actually kind of clever…
It’s going down
I’m yelling timber
I actually just watched a minute of that video. I laughed three times. Not sure that was the effect. Kesha makes me uncomfortable. But either way, I’m making “Timber” an early front runner for my Guilty Pleasure, Irrationally Happy Making Jam of this year. Past winners are “Starships” by Nicki Minaj and Rhianna’s “We Found Love.” Still early and we’ll see if it survives the incoming summer jams. But I have a feeling “Timber” is a keeper.
And you know, you could think about even more things in these new 48 hours besides True Detective. But who are you kidding?
You won’t.
Because time is a flat circle, man and everything we’ve done, we’ve done before.
I don’t totally know what that means and you might not either.
But screw it. That show is awesome.
And that’s astute television analysis.
Photos: HBO
Categories: Television
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