Last Tuesday night our lives all collectively got a little bit better. The new season of Bachelor in Paradise kicked off and as an added bonus, the episode didn’t feature anything remotely close to what went down last season when you know, things got weird and uncomfortable and then led to what was probably the worst group therapy session imaginable. Not this season! We are cleared for take off and as the old saying goes, anything can happen in paradise.
Of course things weren’t all gumdrops and rainbows, though, and that was due in large part to Tia’s obsession with Colton and her desire to constantly talk about him, look for him, talk about him some more, not talk about him, but definitely think about him while not talking about him, talk about him some more and then finally go on a date with him when he (predictably) showed up the morning after her date with Chris, who if you are wondering, is still the worst. But besides the Tia/Colton show, things in Paradise got off to a pretty entertaining start.
The premiere did however leave me with some questions, questions that may or may not be answered in the coming weeks.
Question 1: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH KRYSTAL’S VOICE!!!
You remember Krystal, the vengeful, pixie-voiced fem bot from Arie’s season. How could you not? With that being said, you also remember that her voice was very distinct. Her voice sounded the way a sheltered gal whose only reference point for how a woman should act towards a man was the worst that 1950’s pop culture had to offer felt her voice should sound like. It was like what a uncomfortable pillow must sound like if an uncomfortable pillow could talk: soft, but thin and ultimately annoying. Her voice and her stalker-like tendencies were her trademarks during her quest for Arie’s heart, a quest that of course was not successful because she flew a little too close to the sun. Also, she had a faint glimpse of murder in her eyes, something even Arie was able to pick up on, which is itself a miracle.
But now Krystal is back in Paradise and guess what, her voice is totally normal now. It’s not even a variation of the voice she had during Arie’s season. Like still pixie kitten-like, but a tick deeper. It’s normal, maybe a little raspy. Definitely sounds like someone took note of the criticism of her and given this shot at a second chance, decided to make the most of it. I mean, of course we’re going to notice and it’s never not going to be weird whenever she speaks on Paradise, but that past incarnation of her voice was incredibly annoying. So mysteries aside, in the end this is a good thing.
Question 2: Has Grocery Joe ever seen an episode of any Bachelor Nation shows?
I think I can answer this one. No, no I don’t think he has. I think he’s heard of it, but I don’t believe he’s ever watched an episode of either The Bachelor, The Bachelorette or Bachelor in Paradise. This seemed pretty obvious in the premiere of Bachelor in Paradise because I don’t know how someone could have looked more out of place, more confused by his surroundings. Grocery Joe looked like someone walking into a party where he doesn’t know anyone, but because he’s generally a good-looking, easy-going dude, he was able to quickly acclimate himself. All that was missing was him asking someone why there were so many cameras around.
Question 3: Is Bibiana this season’s Alexis?
Alexis was a fan favorite, made for great television and is a very attractive lady; three things you could easily say about Bibiana as well. Yet there was something about Alexis that held her back from finding someone on Paradise. I think it was a combination of her being a lot of fun to hang out with, but in a friend way, and her having a touch of that Jersey Strong maneater vibe. Bibiana doesn’t have that second factor, but she has a lot of the first. For some reason I feel like this will go against her and we’ll get a few solid episodes of Bibiana, but overall not a very lengthy tenure.
Question 4: Is Jordan a real person?
I’m just not sure. Part of me thinks that he was created in some kind of lab in West Hollywood by Bachelor Nation producers. I thought I had grown tired of Jordan on Becca’s season, but now I think I had just started to take him for granted. For that, I apologize. It will not happen again.
Question 5: Actually, a few questions about Wells’ role as bartender
- Does he have set hours or is he on-call?
- How many drinks does he know how to make?
- Where does he stay?
- Is there a second bartender that is an actual bartender, who ghost-bartends?
- Does he accept tips?
- No really, does he have a schedule for when he’s supposed to work?
- What does he do when he’s not working?
- Is he keeping an inventory of what’s in stock?
- Does he do dishes?
- Is he drinking too?