So, you know how Sunday night’s Super Bowl was like, pretty damn exciting and really good television? Cool. Well, Monday night’s episode of The Bachelor was pretty much the exact opposite.
Let’s be honest folks, we’re only here for some Krystal madness and even with that being said, I’m not even sure how “here” we are for that anymore. If I can tell you something as a friend, I’d like to take a moment to share with you that quite frankly, the Krystal stuff is getting kind of old. She’s a one-trick pony, whose one-trick has a shelf life of half a trick and that pony grew up to a mini-horse and long story short, Krystal is like, so over.
Krystal goes home this week. It was largely anticlimactic.
But first, we’re in Paris. The boring race car driver is being a heck of a good tour guide. Someone did their studying, as well as continue to accomplish their goal of describing every place visited as both “cool” and sexy.” The other Tahoe? It’s so cool and sexy. Fort Lauderdale? Also so cool and sexy. Paris, France? Wait for it. Yup. Cool and sexy. He pointed out a wheel of cheese and commented on the crowds. Wonderful. I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to go to Paris like, tomorrow. Wheels of cheese and crowds? Damn. Paris usually gets a bum rap when it comes to tourism. Not this time, my friend. Not this time.
The boring race car driver went on a date with The Surviving Lauren. She seems like a delightful gal. She really does. However, she’s not great on television. And neither is the boring race car driver. Put them both on television, aimlessly walking around Paris, taking turns exchanging monotone “wows,” and we caught a glimpse of what it would have been like if both Minnesota and Jacksonville had won and we ended up with a Super Bowl between the Jaguars and the Vikings. Just really uneventful, hard to watch television. The Surviving Lauren ended up getting a rose and there’s a good chance she’ll win, but in the end, I doubt we’ll know more than three things about her. You know, just how the boring race car driver likes it.
Whatever. Let’s move on.
Move on to Moulin Rouge. Sweet! I personally don’t know much about Moulin Rouge, but the gals on the group date do and they seemed pretty pumped about it. The gals take turns sashaying in front of the boring race car driver in a thong and a headdress. Before hand they practiced dancing, but then when it came down to it, they just had to walk down some stairs, to the front of the stage and then back to the stairs. This show might not even be trying to make sense anymore. Hard to say.
BeKAH won the group date.
No really BeKAH, you probably should. Your mom seems like a worrier.
BeKAH won the group date because the boring race car driver loves their connection. You want to know what I think? I think the boring race car driver is straight up fascinated by BeKAH, has never even met someone like her before. As a result, the age thing is a big ol’ nothing burger for him because he can’t stop being mesmerized by her. It’ll be interesting to see how this plays out. Conventional wisdom would say that BeKAH might make it to the final four, but she won’t win. But if we’ve learned anything in the past year or so, nothing makes sense anymore. So who really knows what’s going to happen. Doesn’t part of you kind of feel like BeKAH has the boring race car driver in a trance and could very easily convince him that despite her super young age and penchant for not calling home, she is very much wife material and he should pick her? I’m starting to think so. I’m also of the belief that convincing the boring race car driver to do anything might not really be that hard. He doesn’t strike me as a man of conviction.
For the other ladies on the group date, as if losing out on the date wasn’t bad enough, those that did fall short were then forced to return to Moulin Rouge and watch the boring race car driver and BeKAH perform together. Man, The Bachelor is heartless. I’m not sure that this show is about love. I’m starting to have doubts.
Annnnnnnd speaking of doubts, the boring race car driver does not have a good poker face. When he’s out, you know it. Not much mystery there. He was out on Krystal last week, but she ended up sticking around, probably because she was the producer’s pick and shit, they had already purchased her ticket to Paris and we all know that once you buy an airline ticket, only a death in the family can get you out of it. Thus, when they got to Paris, sticking Krystal in the dreaded two-on-one date was a no-brainer. And sticking her on that date with Kendall, who is easily one of the top three most interesting women left (Sienne and Tia being the other two,) would make things entertaining if anything. Krystal could burn the house down herself, at least Kendall could make you care about it happening.
Krystal tried to right the ship, but the boring race car driver was OUT. I think he thought the maze idea was dope because maybe Krystal would get lost forever and he wouldn’t have to deal with having to say goodbye to her. It’s so simple, he probably thought. He was then so happy, so very happy.
Please, Krystal would have walked directly through those wonderfully manicured hedges if she had too. Or hurdled them. Scaled them. Really whatever the hell she needed too. Krystal was in survival mode, making her even that much more dangerous, albeit that much more oblivious of the blatantly obvious signs being broadcasted by the boring race car driver. All that was a missing during their conversation was someone butting in, asking her to wrap it up because the crew was hungry and it was lunch time. Actually, that probably could have happened and she ignored it. Determined Krystal is a nightmare scenario for someone like the boring race car driver. He can’t handle it. I don’t think anyone could. I’d give Jim Cantore of the Weather Channel a shot, if only because he seems well-equipped to handle the craziness of Krystal.
In the end, Krystal got the boot. It was fun while it lasted. Krystal is going to be amazing on Bachelor in Paradise if that show comes back.
Oh and then Jacqueline got a date. And if you’re wondering who exactly she is, you’re not alone. Here, let me help. She’s the one who kept getting roses and every time she did, you had the same reaction.
Jacqueline is looking to get her Ph.D., which is an interesting wrinkle because the boring race car driver is definitely intimated/turned off by women he feels are smarter than him. This of course doesn’t bode well for Seinne, but we’ll see how that goes. The smart money is on “not well.”
Who survived the week? Becca M., Krystal, Seinne, Jacqueline, BeKAH, Tia, Lauren B. and Kendall. Jenna, Chelsea and Krystal are bid adieu, which is French for “sent home packing.”