Within the rose-covered walls of The Bachelorette lies a secret. Some know of it. Some don’t. Which you know, makes it a secret. I wasn’t kidding about that part. This is a serious issue. It’s so serious, it requires the presence of Lil’ Jon and a debate about the treatment of a man’s property.
Are you ready? Here it is. The dudes on The Bachelorette are just as nuts as the gals on The Bachelor. It’s true. The levels of nonsense and absurdity are equal, yet for some reason (cough, cough sexism) we tend to think that The Bachelor is where crazy lives and The Bachelorette is where an actual chance at a tangible, loving relationship exists. Now I don’t know if back in the day, when The Bachelorette was in in it’s infancy, the dudes weren’t as bonkers, but in recent years, they most definitely have been and I think it’s kind of unfair to assume that the real juicy drama is only there when it’s a bunch of ladies sequestered in a big ol’ mansion. It turns out that regardless of the gender, if you put a bunch of attention-seeking, self-absorbed, delusional victims of Stockholm Syndrome in a house together, all of whom presumably are harboring the same goal, weird shit happens.
So with that being said, we are two episodes in to Becca’s season of The Bachelorette and this is what I can tell you for sure.
- Lincoln is kind of a strange duck.
- Jordan is both a male model and fantastic television
- One dude was a Harlem Globetrotter
- I want to like Clay, but I also want to try not to admit that he’s kind of a dork
- There are roughly five or six dudes that I think are the same person
That’s about it as far as certainties go. I’m not even sure there is a clear cut front-runner at this point. Is it Garrett the one to beat? He did get the first impression rose and in Bachelor Nation terms, that’s like, kind of a big deal. Oh and he apologized for being a terrible person on social media, so I guess we’re cool with him now. Right?
Yeah, standby on that one. I mean, you liked those things dude. You chose to press the heart button. It was a reactionary move on your part, so while yes, you can apologize, it doesn’t mean…well, screw it…I still have my doubts about you buddy.
Really all I want to talk about is Jordan because that dude is amazing. He’s so good. He talks and says incredibly dumb stuff and all I can think about is that I want him to keep talking, to never stop talking. Is he there for the right reasons? Hell no. That’s not even up for discussion. I could care less too. I want him to stick around for at least two more weeks because we all can pretty much tell that this season could get super boring once he leaves. What? We’re just going to pile on Lincoln then?
Okay, Lincoln. After the first episode, I liked Lincoln. Then I heard some second-hand gossip about Lincoln, all vague, all alluding to a certain degree of shadiness, but without specifics, I wasn’t going to be swayed. I was in on Lincoln. Not as much as I’m in on Leo, who I also don’t believe will win, but I also don’t care, because he’s entertaining and on Monday nights, that and two beers are all I really care about. Lincoln seemed like a swell guy. Then the second episode started and now, now I’m still cool with him, but slightly less cool with him. It’s hard to quantify so you’ll just have to trust me.
They went on a group date, donned tuxes and then competed in an obstacle course presided over by the Goddess Rachel Lindsey and Dr. Abs. I missed the theme of the course but I’m quick enough to surmise that the gist was marriage stuff, as they jumped in an ice bath and like, other stuff. They ate a wedding cake. See? Wedding stuff. Now the issue with Lincoln first started with said ice bath as allegations of cheating quickly surfaced as he was out of the bath much quicker than anyone else. Did he cheat? I don’t (expletive deleted) know and you don’t either. If he did, good for him. Let’s not pretend that civility is a thing within the confines of Bachelor Nation. So that would also dismiss any belly-aching from one of the dudes who is one of the five or six dudes who could all be the same person that was the recipient of a little shove from Lincoln towards the end of the race. Save it fella. Do better next time.
Lincoln won and part of his prize was a framed picture of him and Becca. Lincoln was very excited about this picture, possibly too excited as he felt it was a good move to show it off to everyone and then prominently display it in front of the other dudes. Things started to get a little testy. At this point, you could still reasonably side with Lincoln. But then, well, he kind of crossed a line a bit, as he kept insisting on keeping the picture out, despite requests from the other dudes to put it away, requests that did make sense because this shit is weird and technically, they are all dating Becca too and it would be reasonable for them not to want to see their “girlfriend” in a picture with someone else. The lines are strange and often absurd as hell in Bachelor Nation, but they exist and should therefore be adhered too, something Lincoln clearly didn’t do.
So by this point, you probably found your allegiances shifting some, maybe starting to take the side of Connor and the other fellas who really just wished Lincoln would put the damn picture away. Read the room, Lincoln!
Well then Connor went and pooped all over any goodwill he had collected because he decided that the only rational, mature response to Lincoln’s act of disrespect was to chuck the picture into the pool. Thus you then found yourself back on Lincoln’s side of the dispute because that was some bush league shit done by Connor and he could have handled it better. Oh and then Lincoln was really upset about it and even other dudes in the house thought Connor’s actions were laughable and kind of dumb. Poor Lincoln. Dumb Connor. Let’s go eat some pineapples and wait for Jordan to do something, shall we?
Ah but we had to wait because Lincoln decided to go tell Becca about The Picture Incident. Saying he decided to go tell her is being generous. He tattled on Connor. Ask my three year old daughter; tattling is not cool. Ask the look on Becca’s face as Lincoln told her about this; she’s not into this kind of drama. Probably because she’s a mature adult, but that’s just speculation on my part.
Speaking of mature adults…Jordan!
Wait, first there was a dodge ball game that featured professional football players whose job is was was to catch footballs being unable to catch a dodgeball, adorable youngsters talking smack to the dudes and a Fred Willard cameo. Yes, Fred Willard. He appeared on another episode, announcing a dog show, which made sense because one of his best known roles is that of an announcer at a dog show in Best in Show. As far as I can tell, he’s never played an announcer of a dodgeball tournament. Kind of a missed opportunity to use two actors who actually have called an dodgeball match in a movie. But oh well. Nothing is perfect. Plus, if things were perfect in Bachelor Nation, Leo’s valiant efforts would have been properly rewarded with his team winning, which they didn’t. But hey, we’re all going to the after party anyways and it’s the Sky Zone so pizza and fruit punch for everyone before it’s time for the next group to come in.
The one-on-one date featured Lil’ Jon and smashing stuff, most of which was meant to remind Becca of Arie because that dead horse just hasn’t been beaten enough this season. They keep alluding to Becca moving on, yet they keep reminding her of what she is moving on from. That seems problematic. We would all be best suited to forget Arie, so let’s just cut our losses here and move along down the road, shall we? I also don’t know the name of the dude who went on the one-on-one date, but he seems like a stand-up gentleman who told a story about finding out a girl was going to break up with him before it happened. I think he might make it to the top three and once that happens, I might remember his name. Maybe.
Monday night’s star wasn’t Lil’ Jon. It wasn’t Lincoln or Connor or whoever that dude was who went on the one-on-one date. The star of the evening was obviously Jordan. Jordan, who in case you missed it, is a model, and if Zoolander references and comparisons didn’t come to you every time he spoke, then I’m sorry for you, because he might actually be Derek Zoolander. It’s in play, that’s for damn sure. He strikes poses like “pensive” on cue, takes pleasure in showing others how to walk like a model and during some time with Becca, wove in these talking points seamlessly: his hair always looks perfect, he likes to have fun, he looks forward to having kids, specifically one named Little Jordie who will ride on his shoulders.
Oh and he showed up to the cocktail party in his undies and participated in a conversation with the Chicken Suit Guy that made us all a little dumber.
I mean, props to him for not just butchering the pronunciation of that word but doing so with 100% confidence. It was admirable and something we should all strive for.
Jordan is hero. An American hero.
Also, I didn’t forget about you Colton. I don’t trust you. I think you’re hiding more than just your virginity and a weekend love tryst with Tia. I just want you to know that, know that I’m on to you.