For the next year or so, until whenever Game of Thrones comes back, I’m going to be wondering about the following things:
- Is Tormund dead?
- Why was Tyrion watching Jon and Daenerys make whoopie?
- No really, is Tormund dead?
- Where’s Jaime going?
- I’m serious man. Is Tormund dead?
- Did someone burn Littlefinger’s body because even as as wight, he’d be shifty as all hell?
- And finally, dude is Tormund dead?
The season seven finale gave us a lot to think about heading into our own personal long night and as season finale’s go, it was pretty good. I gave it 1.75 thumbs up out of 2.0 thumbs. There’s just one or two things that I can’t look past; that’s what is keeping “The Dragon and the Wolf” getting two convincing thumbs up. Like seriously, the last we saw Grey Worm and the Unsullied they were looking pretty trapped and cut off at Casterly Rock. Then there they are, all lined up and ready to rock outside of King’s Landing. The very least the show could have done was explained how they managed to get out of Casterly Rock, even with a line or two of throw dialogue. It’s not like they haven’t done that already (see: True Parentage, Jon’s.)
And I don’t want to brag or anything, but on Sunday morning I posted some questions I had going into the finale and with them, some casual predictions. Did I nail it, bat a thousand? Nope. But I did do pretty good, including calling how the episode will end. Last season the show ended with Team Dragon sailing to Westeros. It was exciting in a triumphant way. This year it was exciting in a HOLY EFFIN’ SHIT THIS IS SERIOUS NOW way, the zombie dragon spit some of that off-brand blue drink at the wall, the wall came tumbling down and now it’s a class field trip to the south.
That leads us to our song of the week, courtesy of Mr. Tom Petty.
Onto this week’s rankings, our last of the season.
Game of Thrones’ Plot Line Power Rankings: ‘The Dragon and the Wolf’
1. It’s a Family Affair
So there it is. Jon and Daenerys hooked up. And there was much joy across the land…provided you didn’t have the volume on your television turned up. Without sound, it just looked like two kids having a little old fashion boat sex. Nothing more, nothing less. With the sound, though? Kind of a different vibe. Kind of a cringe-worthy vibe and not just because it was weird watching Tyrion starring at them. Why was he doing that? Is it because maybe he has feelings for Daenerys? Or is it because he made some secret arrangement with Cersei and is doing some plotting? Lannisters love plotting. Lannisters love paying debts, not-so-low key incest and gold finery. I’m guessing that he’s started developing feelings for Daenerys…or he sees Jon as a threat. Either way, nothing good comes from being the creepy dude watching people have sex.
Before that though, Jon continued his White Walker Awareness campaign and really dude, gotta get on social media with that. It’s very effective. Look at the ice bucket challenge. People were doing that and they didn’t even really know why. Facebook Jon Snow. That’s the answer. Hashtags are good too.
Speaking of potential jealous lovers, you think Jorah is going to forget his girl Daenerys listened to Jon and not him? Not likely. The Friend Zone is where memories never die. Jorah ran home, wrote in his diary, had a nice cup of tea and he too probably started doing some plotting. The enemy is calling from inside the house Jon! You’re now dating one of two gals in a tight group of friends and you sir, are not part of that group. You’re like when Tom Selleck dated Monica on Friends. The dudes will front like they’re cool with you but deep down they’re jealous of your mustache. Jon won’t just be fighting White Walkers and the Night King next season, he’ll be battling jealousy.
Oh and the potentially super awkward realization that he just boinked his aunt.
Jon’s going to brood because that’s what Jon does. There might not be enough cliffs in Westeros for Jon to brood on once he learns about his true identity.
And how is that going to play out? I can’t imagine Danys will be too stoked to learn that her new beau is also her competition for the Iron Throne and he’s not even really competition – that shit is his. Danys’ whole marketing campaign has been based around this idea that she is the rightful heir. Being called out for lying is the quickest way to blow up a marketing campaign, regardless if you knew you were lying or not. This could be super damaging information. Although to be fair, will the Dothraki care? Will the Unsullied? Will the dragons? She’ll still have her army. If she wants to keep on keeping on, there’s no reason she has to stop.
Plus, how will Jon react to this news once the shock wears off? I can’t see him just ditching the North. But would he be forced too essentially if this news gets out? They seem a little, uh, territorial up there.
I have an idea Bran. How about you just keep this news to yourself for a while? Here’s the thing about “stuff we need to know,” sometimes we don’t need to know, sometimes were better being kept in the dark. It’s just a thought Bran.
2. Keeping Up With the Lannisters
I can admit without hesitation that when Cersei revealed her plan to Jaime, that she had no intention of creating an alliance with the love birds from the other neighborhood, I was a little surprised. But then I wasn’t because this is Cersei we’re talking about. There’s been nothing we’ve seen over the course of the past seven seasons that would even come close to hinting at Cersei agreeing to be cool and play with others. On top of that, this season she’s been a vengeful AF wrecking ball. It would have been more surprising if she had decided to stick with the alliance.
Here’s the only problem with the Cersei stuff – it’s one thing for someone like me or someone like you or someone else on the Internet to tell you that her story and what’s going on in King’s Landing doesn’t matter because ultimately this is a show about the fight between the living and the dead, but it’s another thing when the show straight up comes out and tells you that certain parts of the show don’t matter. Jon’s whole pitch to investors is that petty bullshit doesn’t matter, beef over old houses and titles don’t matter. In a sense, Jon is saying that Cersei doesn’t matter unless she joins them in the fight against the Night King. With Cersei dipping on that arrangement, she’s kind of setting up shop on the side lines of a playing field that is featuring a game that is reaching the Super Bowl in magnitude.
Cersei is by far one of the show’s best characters. She’s probably not anyone’s favorite, but she’s one of the most dynamic, most compelling, most interesting and most complex. All of those are factors that will keep her from being marginalized. But it’s going to be a struggle for the show to keep whatever she’s got going on down in King’s Landing interesting and worth watching, especially as the show hits the home stretch and definitely with the White Walkers now south of the wall.
3. The North Remembers Everything Except for the Fact That You Know the North Remembers
One more time. Whew.
Littlefinger is dead. That’s great. The Stark sisters seem to be on the same page. That’s also great. They’ve even found a way to use Bran…sorry, the Three Eyed Raven’s power for good as was very much apparent when Sansa flipped the script on Littlefinger. Oooohh that scene was so good. You thought it was going one way, you thought Sansa was going to have Arya killed but then it’s Arya and it might be possible for her to literally kill everyone in that room first, she has the training, we’ve seen it and all that is missing from Bran these days is a cloud of smoke around him and then this Three Eyed Raven nonsense will start to make sense to people. Or Bran could become a rapper. Rappers say crazy shit all the time and we just roll with it because they’re rappers.
Think about it. If Kanye came out and started calling himself the Three Eyed Raven, no one would be that surprised. Ol’ Dirty Bastard started calling himself Big Baby Jesus at one point and it literally caught no one off guard. Bran just needs to drop a mixtape and his life will be so much easier.
Oh and Sam made it to Winterfell. Cool. Although Sam, give credit where credit is dude buddy. You didn’t discover Rhaeger had his marriage annulled – Gilly did. Then you shushed her. Not cool, dude.
4. The One Where…Ugh, Freakin’ Theon
No. I’m sorry. No.