Game of Thrones is officially not messing around this season. The show is cruising, people are bip-bopping around Westeros with the speed and passion and recklessness of my daughter running around our living room signing songs from Moana. I remember a time when Game of Thrones was a show full of people traveling, people having fire-side chats while taking breaks from traveling and people getting into mischief in the process of traveling. Daenerys spent whole chunks of seasons going from one place to another. Now characters are not just going from one place to another during an episode, but turning back around and returning back to where they started before an episode over.
Take Davos for example. This week Davos started off in Dragonstone, then took a skiff to King’s Landing and a few hours later, set off back for Dragonstone. Then he was only in Dragonstone for a hot minute before setting sail for Eastwatch, which is where he finally ended up by the time the episode was over. Counter point? All of those locations are on the east coast of Westeros, so it’s not totally inconceivable for Davos to do so much traveling, especially the day trip to King’s Landing. Eastwatch is a little bit more of a stretch. Again though, counterpoint – they took a Greyjoy ship and those things are supposed to be the fastest out there.
Whatever. I’m not here to take issue with this. I like the show’s clip this season, I like how it has cut the fat and is all business. There’s only two episodes left in this season and next season is only six episodes so the clock is ticking. Let’s make the most of our time here.
Here is our song of the week, picked in honor of new friendships and alliances:
Before we jump into this week’s rankings, I’m going to be honest with you. Game of Thrones is making this increasingly difficult, as they are just mashing up plots left and right. So I’m going to try and keep everything straight here, knowing full well that it could all totally change by next week.
Okay, let’s go.
Game of Thrones’ Plot Line Power Rankings: ‘Eastwatch’
1. The One Where Sam Reads Books
Sam’s plot sits in the top spot not because he bailed on the Citadel, disgusted by the treatment and lack of respect painfully bestowed upon him by the Maesters, who need a talking to about hazing, but because his special lady friend Gilly casually stumbled upon an interesting and potentially game-changing piece of history. Oh course, you’re forgiven if you missed it because Sam shush’d Gilly, which you know – kind of a dick move. Sam dude, I know you’re frustrated and bummed, but don’t take it out on Gilly, the one person next to Jon who has had your back for a while now.
What Gilly found out and casually mentioned was that Rhaegar, Danys’ brother and Jon’s dad, reportedly had his marriage annulled to Elia Martell, presumably to then marry Lyanna Stark. Sooooooo, that would mean Jon isn’t actually a bastard but a full-fledged Targaryen. Oh shit! Jon’s claim to the throne is actually stronger than Danys!
This seems like a big deal and Sam didn’t even acknowledge it because he was in full-bore pity party mode headed straight to eff it town.
And he’s supposed to be the smart one.
2. Jon’s Boys Weekend Beyond the Wall
Our boy Jon is still hung up on this White Walker thing and his latest plan is to go north, specifically to Eastwatch, the eastern most castle on the Wall, capture a Walker and bring said Walker to King’s Landing to show Cersei and then segue into a conversation about putting this Dany/Cersei war on hold and banding together to fight the White Walkers instead.
It’s been over 12 hours since the episode aired and that plan hasn’t gotten any less stupid.
I don’t know, dude. Jon is pretty great, but when it comes to plans, he’s not the best there is. I get the idea behind the plan, to show proof rather than once again try and explain it, something that didn’t go all that well when he pitched his plan to Danys, but how exactly are you planning on pulling this off Jon? What, like dig a hole, cover the hole with leaves and hope a Walker tries to cross it and hey yo, falls into the hole? Are they going to tie a string around a rabbit or something and use that to lure a Walker into a trap? I might have just thought this through more than Jon has and that is troubling seeing as how he’s the one doing this, heading north, straight towards the army of the dead, and I’m doing this, writing a post and trying to make some jokes.
You can’t hate on Jon’s Suicide Squad, though. Gendry coming off the bench, hammer in tow, Jorah, with that silky smooth skin and the cherished memory of a hug from Danys, the Brotherhood crew (Beric, Thoros & the Hound) and Tormund, all business, asking if Jon happened to bring Brienne with him. You can’t tell me Tormund’s room isn’t adorned with pics of Brienne and that he doesn’t refer to her as his girlfriend to his friends from home. Who among us hasn’t talked up a non-existent relationship at school when they get back home?
And that jail scene…
That was fantastic.
I know you…I hate you.
Hey, I tried to kill you once. And you tried to kill me once.
Yo, you’re still alive? I thought you were dead?
Hey, I know your dad. He was a dick.
You guys want to put all this stuff aside and go wreck some shit!
I don’t know how successful their mission will be, but I haven’t been this excited for a dude’s trip since Bronn and Jaime when to Dorne a few seasons ago. Of course that was a huge fail, so let’s just hope for the best here.
Oh and it’s time again to point a spotlight at Davos and once again, find some fault with his actions. This time, it’s his smuggling. Davos is supposed to be a dope smuggler, it’s how he came up in the world. I’m not a dope smuggler, I’m not even a sub-par smuggler. I once smuggled in booze into a casino, but I don’t think that really counts. Yet with that being said, even I know it’s probably easier to smuggle under the cover of darkness and not in the middle of the day, which is when Davos elected to smuggle Tyrion into King’s Landing. Oh no way, you weren’t able to slide in and out undetected? And in broad daylight? Who would have thought?
3. Keeping Up with the Lannisters
“The Spoils of War” ended with Jaime sinking into the surprisingly deep Blackwater Rush, having narrowly escaped a direct hit of dragon fire. This led to a handful of click-bait stories about cliff-hangers and whether or not Jaime was a goner.
Yeah, no one thought he was going to die. Jaime wasn’t going out like that.
Of course if you were at all concerned about the fate of America’s favorite Kingslayer, the concerns were put to rest from the jump, as Bronn and Jaime came blasting through the now tranquil waters of the Rush in the opening minutes of ‘Eastwatch.’ So cool, crisis averted. Fun fact about Blackwater Rush: in addition to having a hell of a drop off depth-wise, it also has a pretty series current that will whisk you out of harm’s way in a matter of minutes. Fascinating.
People aren’t just quickly getting from place to place via ship on Game of Thrones now. They’re breaking land speed records on horse back as Jaime gets back to King’s Landing super, super quickly. He still had beach hair as he stormed into Cersei’s room. He went there to warn her over the seriousness of Daenerys’ army, to tell her that they were eff’d, but he left with a warm belly, having gotten the news that Cersei was preggers. Oh how wonderful.
IF IT WERE TRUE!
Yo, Cersei isn’t pregnant. At least I don’t think so. I think she’s manipulating Jaime, bringing him back into the fold because she knows he’s having doubts. I think that’s also why she seemed so okay with the news that Tyrion was in town and Jaime met with him.
Of course Jaime’s loyalty could really be put to the test if Cersei kills Bronn for setting up the Tyrion/Jaime meeting, which is a very real possibility.
4. The North Remembers Everything Except for the Fact That You Know the North Remembers
I really like Talk the Thrones, the new after-show produced by The Ringer. This week they had T-Pain on and he broke down Arya’s current attitude and why it’s causing some friction between her and Sansa better than I ever could.
I know Arya is a stone-cold assassin now. Bran definitely knows she is and Sansa is pretty sure she is. So with being said, Arya needs to re-calibrate her game plan here. Maybe tone it down a notch.
Also, if she’s going to spy on Littlefinger, she needs to be a little more subtle. Arya, we all saw you! The horses saw her. Littlefinger definitely did, which is why he left behind that note, which dates all the way back to season one and was the note Cersei made Sansa write to Robb, once they had taken Ned prisoner and Robb was threatening to rebel, which he’d eventually try to do, albeit unsuccessfully. Littlefinger’s last remaining move to keep Sansa on his side is to drive a big ol’ wedge between the Stark sisters and his only play is to dig up this note with the hope that Arya will read it and become convinced Sansa can’t be trusted.
This is a very real possibility because for all of the training Arya has undergone, she still hasn’t gotten a firm grasp on her emotions and would we really be surprised if she flew off the handle at Sansa? Starks go one of two ways: they take the bait and fall into a trap head first or they see the bait and wisely pass. It’ll be interesting to see which path Arya chooses. We want to hope she chooses the second path, but we can’t sleep on her falling headfirst into Littlefinger’s path.
5. Stop Dragon My Heart Around
It does seem a little crazy to have anything involving Daenerys bringing up the rear, but in all honesty, short of burning a few dudes, she didn’t do a heck of a lot this week. A lot of action happened around her, but she wasn’t in the driver’s seat all that much.
There’s increasing speculation that we’re headed towards a possible villain turn by Daenerys, speculation that has gained momentum thanks to her penchant for burning her enemies, something her dad, the Mad King, was prone to do. And while I think there is some merit to this idea, I’m not on board – not yet at least.
Old Man Tarly and Dickon deserved to be roasted this week. They fought, they lost, they refused to bend the knee. Danys couldn’t send them to the Wall because she technically doesn’t have the right to do that yet. I wonder if Tyrion would have had an issue with dispatching them if Danys had elected to have a Dothraki lop their head off as opposed to burning them?
Speaking of Tyrion, I agree with Varys, Danys needs some guidance. With Jorah back, Tyrion should abdicate his job as Planner of War and stick with politics, something he is infinitely better at.