Friday’s presidential inauguration is a tough one. If you’re like me and the idea of Donald Trump actually becoming president is sickening and saddening, deciding whether or not to watch Friday’s event, an event typically associated with class and history, is proving to be a rather tricky decision to make. I can’t decide if I want to ignore it as a form of protest or if I want to force myself to watch it because like or not, the Trump presidency is a real thing and accepting that seems like a stage of grief I need to tackle sooner rather than later.
If I were to watch it, I’m sure I could find ways to make it at least mildly enjoyable. I could take the time to remember traveling down to Washington D.C. in January of 2009 with a bus full of middle schoolers from Philadelphia for Barack Obama’s first inauguration and think back to what an amazing experience that was. Or I could wrestle up some chuckles at the sight of a crowd that will likely be a third of what the crowd typically is for a presidential inauguration. That could be kind of fun.
Unfortunately the depressing gravity of the situation is going to make both of those options tricky and definitely hard to sustain. When the reality of a situation is so massively negative and unbearably sad, methods of distraction are well and good, but are inevitably short-lived. That’s why we’ll need something else to get us through. What will we need? Funny you should ask.
Booze, plain and simple.
I don’t care if you’re watching at work, you’ll need booze. I don’t care if you’re listening in your car while driving off of a cliff because you can’t deal anymore, you’ll need booze. Actually, you’ll definitely need booze. Us, the assembled mass of opponents to the Trump presidency, can approach Friday’s inauguration in a wide variety of ways, but each and everyone of those ways will be better served if accompanied by booze. You’re just going to have to trust me on this one. And to make it at least a little more fun so you’re not just sitting there, broke and despondent and lifelessly throwing back Jack Daniel’s, I want to introduce the Trump Presidential Inauguration Drinking Game.
When Trump says “Make America Great Again” – do a Statue of Liberty shot. Not sure what that is. That’s okay. I got you.
Trump mentions his crowds at rallies during the campaign – shotgun a beer and yes, it has to be swill. Like High Life or Natty Light.
Trump ad-libs during his inaugural address – take a shot of Wild Turkey because all bets are off
Trump thanks Omarosa during his address – take a shot of the most random bottle of booze you have at your disposal, spit it out and yell, “what the hell is happening!”
Trump thanks his children during his address – chug a glass of boxed wine
But Trump forgets Tiffany when doing so – give a beer to a friend, tell them that you appreciate them and love them. Then sit there and drink the beer together casually as friends. When you’ve both finish, hug each other and whisper softly “I’ll never forget you.”
Every time the camera pans to Eric Trump and it looks like he might be thinking about his secret life as a vampire (see picture below) – take a swig of the reddest wine you can find
Every time the camera pans to Donald Jr. and it looks like he’s holding in a fart (see picture below) – chug a pint of a local micro brews’ brown ale
Every time the camera pans to Ivanka and you think to yourself, ‘girl I thought you were better than this’ – take a shot of rail vodka and think to yourself, ‘I thought this vodka would be better than this.’
Whenever Trump spins the small crowd size as a positive – take a Bull Shit (a shot of Red Bull & Dark Rum)
Whenever a news outlet comments on the size of the crowd – casually take a swig of beer and nod in satisfaction
Trump calls out the Dishonest Media in his inauguration address – drink an entire Whiskey Sour
Trump throws shade at Hillary Clinton during his inauguration address – drink half of a 40, then pour the rest out onto the ground
Trump throws shade at one of his Republican rivals from the campaign during his inauguration address – do a shot of Fireball
Trump throws shade at all of his Republican rivals from the campaign in one sweeping statement during his inauguration address – drink a whole bottle of Fireball then curl up in a ball on the ground and softly sing “The Freshman” by the Verve Pipe
Trump mentions his DC Hotel during his inauguration address – toss an expensive glass of wine (either red or white is fine) out the window and then chug a beer (must be Miller High Life)
Trump mentions Russia during his inauguration address – while shirtless and on horseback, make a Moscow Mule, admire your Moscow Mule, chug that Moscow Mule, break the mason jar that the Moscow Mule was in over your head
Trump mentions China during his inauguration address – take 1.357 billion shots of snake wine, one for every person in China
Trump mentions his proposed wall between the U.S. and Mexico during his inauguration address – take 1,954 shots of Tequila, one for every mile of the U.S./Mexico border
When the inauguration is over – crack open an ice cold Molson as a reminder that Canada is a wonderful country and not that bad of option if you’re thinking about moving