The Bachelor Recap: Week Three

By Ryan O'Connell on 01/17/2017 • ( 0 )

Tuesday morning. We patiently await for what treats await us in the hours ahead. I bet mine is a peanut butter & jelly sandwich. Fingers crossed! In the meantime, let’s get caught up on Monday night’s episode of The Bachelor.

What You Need to Know

Motion sickness is not a deterrent this season
Trench coats are available if you need one
The Backstreet Boys are doing a residency in Las Vegas
Your shock at Corinne having a nanny is shared…by everyone
Bounce houses are available if you need one
Trench coats and bounce houses can be yours, but you must provide your own whip cream

I know, pretty sweet deal, right?

Okay, What Did Corinne Do This Week?

This season’s villain isn’t messing around, provided filming happens around her nap time. If filming does happen during her nap time, Corinne’s nanny regrets to inform you that naps are a priority. This is non-negotiable. You can counter, but if you haven’t heard already, Corinne runs A MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR COMPANY so go ahead and try to get this provision changed. I dare you.

When she wasn’t napping though, Corinne employed a moderately effective Carrot Top-esque strategy this week in her attempts to win Nick’s heart or at least secure a sweet entrance spot in Bachelor in Paradise.

Prop 1: a trench coat

Was this during a cocktail party? I think so, but who cares. All the women wasted time and money wearing their Sunday best. Corinne elected to go with a trench coat and brought along some whip cream as her only accessory.

Related Questions (re: the trench coat)

Did Corinne bring the trench coat with her?
If so, what else does she use the trench coat for or does she have it just in case she needs to seduce a gentleman caller?
Does Corinne dabble in amateur detective work? If so, can she help find me another beer because watching this nonsense without one just feels wrong.
Did Corinne just see Varsity Blues or is it secretly one of her favorite movies. If so, can someone confirm or deny that she has a cat named Mox?

In a not that surprising turn of events, the trench coat kind of worked on Nick the Bachelor because here’s the thing about Nick, homeboy is kind of talking out of both sides of his mouth this season. On the one side, there are mature, composed and well-put together women like Vanessa, Danielle L, Danielle M and Rachel – women who generally reflect Nick’s stance that he’s changed and is looking for a wife. On the other side of his mouth is Corinne, who brings out every single worst part of the Nick mythology your Mom still talks about when she dismisses him and says she still can’t trust him. It’s a tricky tight rope he’s walking and I’d like to say he’s doing it well, but yeah, not so much, as evidenced by Corinne’s next magic trick.

Prop 2: the bounce house

For some reason, and who would ever wonder why, our man Chris Harrison announced that Nick chose the pool party option when he woke up in the morning and instead of another boring cocktail party, they’ll be having a pool party instead. Maybe I’m just too old for this shit, but the pool party, especially on The Bachelor seems kind of…I don’t know…tacky. And while for the most part, the pool party is relatively drama free, Corinne seems to agree with me because she skips the pool party and invites Nick to play in her bounce house with her, which I’m sure if you said it the right way, could sound really dirty. Nick of course obliges because Nick is battling the age old war dudes face; the one between his brain and his wang. In this case, the wang wins and Nick gallivants and canoodles and swings Corinne around his waist in said bounce house, all under the judgemental gaze of the other ladies.

Hey Nick, spoiler: not a good look. Not a good look at all.

This brings us to…

Vanessa (i.e. the one who might win)

First things first, Vanessa gets a one-on-one date because amidst all of the baloney with Corinne and whatnot, it should be noted that so far Nick has chosen two women from the Older, More Mature, Definitely Wife Material category for one-on-one dates. Last week it was Danielle M. and this week it’s Vanessa. Editor’s note: Vanessa is very good looking. Okay, so Vanessa thinks they’re going sky diving. Please. What is this amateur hour? They’re going to play astronauts and make out in zero gravity because nothing says sexy like motion sickness. Well, actually it kind of does because it proves to us that Vanessa is a real person, whereas I’m pretty sure Corinne was created in a lab somewhere where they design Bachelor and Bachelorette villains.

Nick wins Vanessa over by kissing her after she threw up and just like, Nick gets a point in the win column for Team Nick Is Actually a Good Dude and He Has Learned From His Mistakes and Is Truly Here to Find Love and Not Just Be On TV Again. But alas, Nick pulls a Bieber. What’s a Bieber you ask? A Bieber (named after the pop singer Justin Bieber) is when you win us over by doing some cool, but then lose us by doing something not cool and reminding us why we never liked you in the first place. That whole bounce house episode was Nick’s Bieber moment and Vanessa rightly called him out on it. I think a couple of the women did. I’m not sure, they were starting to lose me there. The moral of the story though – Vanessa will be there in the end. Book it.

Oh Yeah, the Backstreet Boys…

Yeah, I mean I didn’t really care but then again, I was never their target audience. Now at first you might have been wondering what the hell the Backstreet Boys were doing on The Bachelor, but that was quickly answered when one of them not so casually mentioned their upcoming residency in Las Vegas. The group was going to be performing a warm-up concert and Nick and some lucky ladies would be joining them.

Fast forward and this is all you need to know about this date:

Jasmine, the professional cheerleader/dancer, is in fact, a professional dancer
Corinne may run A MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR COMPANY, but that doesn’t help her on the dance floor
Danielle L is also a front-runner and if you’re wondering why, you haven’t seen any of this season so far
This warm-up concert definitely looked like it was definitely happening in a sound stage, which is weird
Backstreet’s “back,” but yeah, not really

Okay, cool. I think that covers it.

On to next week!