A new year brings new ideas, new adventures, new friends, new family, new plans. It also brings with it new questions, questions that have answers that can only be answered as the year progresses. No shortcuts, no sneak attacks, no cheat sheets. Only the phrase time will tell applies here because quite simply, the answers to the questions? Well, only time will tell.
So cliched phrases aside, let’s zero in on fifteen pressing, not-so pressing and definitely not pressing questions that Giddy Up America can’t wait to be answered. And just because we don’t know the answers just yet, doesn’t mean we can’t make some largely uninformed predictions.
Question Number 1: Will the Patriots win the Super Bowl?
Prediction: Sure, why not?
Because yeah, sure why not? And no joke, as a Patriots’ fan, that’s probably the best I’ve felt about their chances in the past couple years. The Patriots of the past couple years have all had little bugaboos that caused some concern come playoff time. And while yes, this team is certainly not without it’s flaws, they are straight up minimal compared to the past few years. So will the Pats win their first Super Bowl since 2004?
Sure, why not?
Question Number 2: Has the movie that will win the Oscar for Best Picture been released yet?
Based solely on a hunch and absolutely nothing else, I think either Inherent Vice or A Most Violent Year win. I just saw The Imitation Game– it was great, but not Best Picture worthy. I also don’t think there’s anyway Interstellar wins because A) I have no idea how that movie was resolved B) I don’t think I’m alone and C) I would assume understanding the why of a movie is taken into account when voting for Oscars. Plus, both Inherent Vice and A Most Violent Year look really, really good.
Question Number 3: Will we ever get sick of “Uptown Funk?”
Prediction: Hell no we won’t
It just might be one of those rare songs that is bullet proof when it comes to you getting sick of it. How could you sick of it? Maybe you hate puppies? Or maybe you think sunshine is the devil’s work? Or perhaps you shun those who get people birthday cakes? If one of those applies to you, then yes, I could see you getting sick of “Uptown Funk.” But even if that were the case, I bet you’d still jam out to it in the privacy of your own home- all to keep appearances up you ruthless, dark-hearted badger.
Question Number 4: Will Anna Kendrick snatch the role of America’s Sweetheart from Jennifer Lawrence?
She might come close; I bet Pitch Perfect 2 is super popular. But come on. Dethrone Jennifer Effin’ Lawrence? That’s crazy talk. Barring something massively unfortunate, no one, not even Anna Kendrick is dethroning the Mighty Jennifer Lawrence.
Question Number 5: How low will gas prices get?
Prediction: No lower than $2 a gallon
Yeah I really have no idea how gas prices are determined. I feel it has to do with supply and demand. So if they’re so low right now, that would mean…thinking…thinking some more…there’s more gas than tanks. Right? I have no idea how that is possible. But it’s sweet. Even if I have to thank one of those knobs who set up shop in the passing lane in their Prius Hybrid, going just a shade about the speed limit, it’s still sweet. Knob in question = not sweet. Low gas prices = super sweet.
Question Number 6: Who will win the World Series? And the NBA Finals? And what about the NHL finals?
Prediction: Dodgers, Spurs, a hockey team
I don’t know, maybe the Dodgers will win. Maybe they won’t. Although, seeing as how since 2006, of the 9 World Series played, the Red Sox have won 2, the Cardinals have won 2 and the Giants have won 3, it’d be a safe bet to take one of those three teams. Couldn’t fault you if you did. But doesn’t it seem like the Dodgers are just getting closer and closer to winning and eventually something’s gonna give? I think they’re due. In the NBA, the Cavs look a year away, the Clippers look a player away, and the Warriors look a dude old enough to buy them booze away. Which sets up nicely for the Spurs to repeat. As for the NHL, your guess is as good as mine. Unless you follow hockey. Then in that case, your guess is most likely better than mine.
Question Number 7: How will Mad Men end?
Don doesn’t die, he’s not falling from a skyscraper like it alludes to in the opening credits. He ends up as Dick Whitman, somewhere alone, but finally happy. And it’ll be 1976. Because why not?
Question Number 8: What is the over/under on the number of major characters killed on Game of Thrones this season?
It kind of feels like Cersei could be next in line to get whacked. And what about Sansa? That young lady has been on the cusp on getting off’d since the first episode of season one. So that’s two. A third? Well, unless you’re taking the under, then you think there is at least one or two more characters in line for the chopping block? Here, speed round of possible candidates: Tommen, Littlefinger, Roose Bolton, Melissandre, Sam, Jaime Lannister, Stannis. Jaime? Yeah, Jaime.
Question Number 9: What are the chances President Obama finally loses his cool and gives dudes like Ted Cruz the business?
Obama is too cool of a customer for even that to happen. He’ll definitely get pushed to the limit, what with a Republican-controlled House and Senate. But no, there’s no way he goes out like that. Save it for the memoirs, he tells himself in quiet moments. Save it for the memoirs.
Question Number 10: Where does Rex Ryan end up?
Prediction: Unfortunately not on television
He’d be great on television! But he’s also a great coach and you can only do that for so many years unless you’re a robot like Tom Coughlin or Bill Belichek. So with that being said and with him definitely not going to TV, I bet he ends up with the Falcons or 49ers.
Question Number 11: Television Lighting Round! How will Stephen Colbert do replacing Letterman? Will Better Call Saul be any good? Will this be the year more people than just my wife & I and television critics start watching The Americans?
Prediction: Yes, Yes, Hopefully
Stephen Colbert is a genius. No one should be the least bit concerned about him taking over the Late Show. And Better Call Saul? Well, Bob Odenkirk is a pro and I’d think the dude behind Breaking Bad (Vince Gilligan) has at least somewhat of an idea when it comes to running a television show. I’d say that the odds are with them. The biggest hurdle for Better Call Saul will be living up to people’s expectations. That could suck. But hey, you know what doesn’t suck? The Americans. Dude it’s the coolest show on television! Spies! Russians! The eighties! This has to be the year people catch on and start watching. If not and God help us, if it gets cancelled. You all are dead to me. We already lost The Bridge. As a nation, we cannot afford to lose another quality and original television show.
Question Number 12: What will be the bigger movie- Avengers 2 or Hunger Games 3.5?
Prediction: Avengers 2
Will people being peeved that the final installment of The Hungers Games was needlessly cut in half and split over two movies, released a year apart, play any part in this? No, probably not. But it should! I saw the first part, I enjoyed the first part. But come on, that was a two hour movie made from a hundred page script. I can only imagine what some of the daily schedules looked like.
Tuesday: film Katniss looking upset
Wednesday: film Katniss thinking about Peta
Thursday: film Gale walking away from Katniss frustrated
Friday: film Katniss crying. Then taco night!
Either way, both of these movies will be huge. But Avengers will be the bigger of the two. That shit looks bananas and will make bank in the process. It’ll also have less competition being released in the summer. Because I’m old, I remember days of yore, when the big ticket movies were released in the summer. Now? Now they are all released in late fall, with only a few crumb snatchers being released in the summer. Avengers will be up against some sci-fi bullshit and a rom com even your girlfriend thinks look stupid. Hunger Games will be up against Oscar-contenders and Thanksgiving-induced food comas. Not a good match.
Question Number 13: Does the report Roger Goodell commissioned to see how badly he botched the Ray Rice investigation ever see the light of day?
Prediction: Two weeks after the Super Bowl
In the dead of night, a note will be placed on the desk of a football-loving New York Post reporter. The note will state only the following: Ray Rice investigation done. Everything is cool. Friday is taco night. And that will be the end of that! Because hey, apparently when you’re pulling down a measly forty million a year, the last thing you have to worry about it being punished for your screw ups. Yes, screw ups. Plural. Good work, Roger!
Question Number 14: Any widely assumed dormant diseases eyeing a comeback in 2015?
I mean, eventually there’s the zombie apocalypse.
Question Number 15: Will the Washington Redskins still be the Redskins at the start of next season?
Prediction: Yeah, probably
Despite it being offensive, excluding and wrong- all things the name of a professional sports team shouldn’t be, the only way this changes is if two people raise a stink about it- other NFL owners or Robert Griffin III. Fans don’t matter. Native Americans don’t matter. Fake Native Americans paid by Dan Snyder who feel bad about taking his money to help sell the lie that Native Americans are actually cool with the name Redskins don’t matter. Money matters. That’s it. And until money says the name Redskins is offensive, the name is the Redskins. Which is dumb. Change it to Washington Warriors, keep the logo, keep the colors- everything is cool. You’re welcome Dan Snyder. I just solved the problem for you. You dumbass.