The Officially Official Oscar Recap

Pulled pork popping in the Slow Cooker, a little Spackle on the wall, some drumming to Justin Timberlake and a little rush off of some green tea and in our quiet, little beach front community, we were ready for the Oscars…or the Academy Awards…or the…I’m not sure what exactly it’s called. The film version of the Grammys. That’s what’s up.

It starts with the Red Carpet because there were girls…ladies…present. That’s when the Spacklin’ happened. But for these ladies (Wife, Mother in Law) this jawn was their Super Bowl. They watched intently- couldn’t be disturbed or distracted and it was important to keep side comments to a minimum.

But hey, let’s give some love to the intern(s) who made the Mani Cam on E. Gotta give ’em at least a little dap. Sure it’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen, but that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate the attention to detail. I just hope they got college credit for it- or at least a free cup of coffee. I also hope no injuries were sustained when stapling down the mini red carpet. Insurance probably doesn’t cover injuries sustained while doing ridiculous ass shit at work. Even Flo would laugh at that one.

In regards to E!, I’m slowly coming to terms with the developing celebrity crush I have on Ms. Kelly Osborne. Good god she’s adorable! When did this happen? I feel that before this year, the lasting image I had of her was kind of like this one…

And now she looks like this…

It’s more than just weight loss. That’s doing her a disservice saying she’s more appealing now because of the weight loss. Her whole demeanor has changed. From our quiet, little beach front community I give it a thumbs up.

As for good looking ladies on the Red Carpet, I’m already prepping myself for being disappointed with whoever Jennifer Lawrence starts dating.

Then a few moments later, the gloves almost came off in our Adorable Dutch Colonial when Mother in Law started knocking Charlize Theron and her close-cropped hair. I insisted it must be for a role. Mother in Law felt that if that were the case, she should have worn a wig. Either way, you don’t talk jive when it comes to Ms. Theron. That’s like talking jive about crab cake sandwiches, Tina Fey or perfectly worn in hoodies. Some things in life are just perfect (i.e. Charlize Theron) and we all have to accept that.

At 8:18pm, with my belly full of pulled pork, my sense was that Lincoln was going to clean up. Historical. Daniel Day-Lewis. Spielberg. If the Academy voters were fish, then it was a hook overloaded with the perfect bait. I even thought Sally Field would win because let’s be honest, there are a few things old white dudes (the majority of Academy voters) like more than a perky, cute middle aged woman who have aged well. Plus I saw it as a defacto lifetime achievement award. Mark it down, big night for Lincoln.

My other early thought- of course Adele is going to win for Best Song (the theme from Skyfall.) She’s probably already won 5 or 6 awards today.

Kim and I had the first annual Adorable Dutch Colonial Oscar Challenge. We picked the winners of the fourteen most recognizable categories and whoever had the most correct, won. The loser cooks dinner on Monday night. On most things we were on the same page- but differed when it came to the following:

Best Picture: Kim Argo, Ryan Lincoln
Best Supporting Actor: Kim Phillip Seymour Hoffman (The Master,) Ryan Tommy Lee Jones (Lincoln)
Best Supporting Actress: Kim Anne Hathaway (Les Miserables,) Ryan Sally Field (Lincoln)

We differed on one or two others, but those were the main ones. When the dust settled (spoiler alert) Kim won 8 to 5. So say hello to Funky Chicken Monday!
Quick note on the term “Funky Chicken.” A lot of times when I mention I’m making funky chicken, which is my specialty, people’s first thought is that the chicken has gone bad- it’s funky, and not in a good way. But that’s not the case. It’s called Funky Chicken because like with anything funky, anything can happen baby! A more accurate description or definition of Funky Chicken is Line of Sight Chicken- meaning that besides the chicken, all other ingredients are selected based on them falling into my line of sight when deciding which ingredients to use. If I spot a clementine, I use a clementine. If I see some Old Bay (I frequently do) and maybe some cinnamon, then there’s a good chance both are going to be involved. In the end it’s a fun, unpredictable time for everyone involved.

Back to the show and with the Red Carpet ending, I have very little to say about the opening. It was a lose/lose situation for Seth MacFarlane- but I do give him props for making a joke about how everyone wished it were Tina Fey & Amy Poehler hosting. Because really, everyone wishes they were. I thought the Boobs song was lame and should have been saved for a Family Guy episode and not the Oscars. The Shattner bit went on too long, as did the whole opening bit as a whole. But like I said, it was a lose/lose situation. At least he didn’t do anything in black face, which is improvement from last year.

About twenty minutes in, the first award is presented, Best Supporting Actor. Pulling a minor surprise, Christoph Waltz won for his role in Django Unchained. I definitely thought Tommy Lee Jones or Alan Arkin (Argo) would win. Kim’s pick (Hoffman) was a long shot and Waltz and Robert DeNiro (Silver Linings Playbook) were sentimental favorites. But then again, Waltz owned Django Unchained and deserved to win. Quentin Tarantino should be a lock for Best Screenplay, so at least Django would get some love. They would not however get any love from America’s number 1 Commentator on All Things Even Though Literally No One Asked, Donald Trump:

But Tarantino shouldn’t feel bad. Trump apparently is the only person who listens to original Lincoln speeches on his IPod on regular basis and had issues with Best Actor frontrunner, Daniel Day-Lewis’ portrayal of our 16th President.
After the Best Supporting Actor winner was announced I have to be completely honest- I have no idea what happened, which really shoots the whole idea of a Recap in the foot. But I’m just being honest. Digging down deep, I can tell you that there were a couple dudes who looked like Edgar Winter, a tribute to musicals (which was kind of funny considering that A) the three musicals they paid tribute to were all released in the past five years and B) when you think of a tribute to something, it’s usually a little older than five. Like for instance, a tribute to West Side Story or even Grease would have made more sense,) and a bunch of guys ‘n gals who spend their lives in trailers (make up and tech award winners) having their acceptance speeches being cut short by the theme from Jaws.

In the end, Anne Hathaway winning wasn’t a surprise. Neither was Day-Lewis or Lawrence winning. We here at Giddy Up America are very happy for Mr. Ben Affleck. He’s a movie away from Can’t Do Wrong Status.

But I didn’t see any of it. I had gone to bed and was reading Esquire‘s excellent piece “The Shooter,” the story of the Navy Seal who shot Osama Bin Laden. It was infinitely more interesting than the Oscars. I suggest checking it out- unless you still haven’t seen Zero Dark Thirty and don’t want the ending ruined.

So award season is over. We can spend our Sunday nights the way God intended- watching HBO shows.

Speaking of which, have you seen the trailer for Game of Thrones season 3?

Photos by Getty Images

Categories: Current Events, Movies, Television

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2 replies


  1. Let Both the Head and the Heart Decide | Giddy Up America
  2. The Story of 2013 | GIDDY UP AMERICA

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