I Just Don’t Know: A Rundown of Confusion

I’m a man who is comfortable in his own skin and comfortable with who he is. Therefore, I can freely admit that in the world, there are currently some thing I just don’t know.

For instance…

I don’t know why there are some people out there who still think it’s perfectly acceptable to drive slow in the passing lane. I also don’t know why these ass clowns choose to do so when I’m in a rush.

I don’t know if at ESPN, when deciding which sports to cover- they essentially choose the biggest story out there, elect to devote 90% of their time to it and then split the remaining 10% up amongst the rest of the sports news out there. I also don’t know how they don’t understand the backlash when people become fed up with their coverage of stories like Tim Tebow, Michael Jordan’s 50th birthday, the New York Jets, steroids in baseball and anything remotely pertaining to the NFL*.
* except steroids in the NFL. No one wants to talk about that.

I don’t know how many birds are hiding in the beard of the Alabama Shakes’ bassist, but I’m guessing it’s at least five. However, I do know that I’m harboring a mild obsession with that band right now and they, along with the Avett Brothers are at the top of my list of bands I really want to see this summer. The Shakes’ performance on Saturday Night Live kind of sealed the deal for me.

I don’t know how anyone who was surprised by how boring and uninspired Frank Ocean’s performance at the Grammys was. Do you listen to his music? Is there anything on his amazing album, Channel Orange, that would make you think- I bet this dude is effin’ stellar live? One of the things that makes Ocean so appealing is how restrained and subdued, yet still emotionally powerful, his music is. You know what is collateral damage of something like that? A live performance. When you listen to Mumford and Sons (and it seems like everyone on planet Earth is) you can’t help but think, I bet these dudes are awesome live. Find me one person who has listened to Channel Orange and thought that same thing about Ocean and I’ll drive to work naked.

I don’t know what happened to Eagle Eye Cherry. It seems he could save tonight, but not his career.

I don’t know how Fox News keeps a guy on the air who one week makes fun of Asians and the next week says that rape on college campuses is a myth. Then again, I don’t know how Fox News sleeps at night- but that’s another story all together. It just doesn’t seem like a bed of lies is all that comfortable.

I don’t know who I think will win March Madness this year, but I do know it won’t be the team I pick.

I don’t know what’s dumber- the idea that Obama literally wants to take the gun out of your hand or that he wasn’t born in this country and was able to hide that from the massive comprehensive vetting that takes place when anyone even considers running for President.

I don’t know how much tickets are for the Justin Timberlake/Jay Z shows, but I do know I’d entertain the idea of taking a loan from a bank to get tickets.

I don’t know about you, but I’m getting pretty excited for baseball season. I think the Red Sox will win about 85 games and snag one of the AL Wild Card spots. I’m less optimistic about the Phillies. I think the Nats & Braves will be too much for them, as will old age and injuries.

I don’t know who will win Best Picture at the Oscars but I do think I have a good idea of how well Seth MacFarlane will do at hosting- not very well. I think he’s going to be snarky, controversial for the sake of being controversial and come on, a special appearance by Ted…how about a special appearance by Mila Kunis and we call it a draw? As for the actual awards, we’re going to see Silver Linings Playbook tomorrow, but I still think Best Picture is Lincoln’s to lose. Daniel Day Lewis should be a lock for Best Actor and Spielberg will most likely win Best Director over Ang Lee (Life of Pi,) although I think that category is tainted with the omission of Ben Affleck (Argo,) Quentin Tarantino (Django Unchained) and Kathryn Bigelo (Zero Dark Thirty.)

I don’t know how Obama doesn’t at least think about just saying screw it and peacing out to Hawaii at least once a day, if not twice.

I don’t know what a sequester is, but it sounds like something you’d do to make fresh squeezed orange juice.

I don’t know how to tie a tie and you know what world, I am totally fine with that. I know how tie my shoes because I wear them everyday. If I wore a tie everyday then yes, I’d know how to tie one. But I don’t wear a tie everyday. I don’t even wear a tie every week or even every month. So no, I’m not going to learn how to tie one anytime soon unless the frequency of my needing to wear one changes. I appreciate your offers of lessons and ignore your heckles for my ignorance. I’m a simple dude. Plain and simple.

Good talk, see you out there.

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