On Thursday President* Donald Trump held a press conference. I’m sure you’ve heard of it. It was like a three-ring circus of deranged wombats performing in a raging dumpster fire. Shortly after, Trump supporters were sent a survey from the Trump Make America Great Committee. The survey is called the Mainstream Media Accountability Survey and makes sense if you remember that nothing makes sense anymore.
The survey is an obvious attempt to circle the wagons when it comes to Trump and his administration’s war against the media…or fake news…or fake media…or whatever the hell they are calling it now. I had some time to kill, so I took the survey.
1. Do you believe that the mainstream media has reported unfairly on our movement?
Uh, no. And it’s not a movement, it’s an uprising. There’s a difference. It would actually be unfair to call it a movement. So actually, maybe the media has reported unfairly on the movement if they are reporting about using the term “movement” instead of destabilizing uprising.
2. Do you trust MSNBC to report fairly on Trump’s presidency?
Well Team Trump has lost Morning Joe, so I’m more inclined to trust them now.
3. Do you trust CNN to report fairly on Trump’s presidency?
Ha, yes I do. This survey is cute.
4. Do you trust Fox News to report fairly on Trump’s presidency?
Yeah, big ol’ negative on this one. Unless it’s Shepard Smith maybe. That dude seems to have passed on the Kool-Aid.
5. On which issues does the mainstream media do the worst job of representing Republicans? (Select as many that apply.)
Nice. Multiple choice! Let’s check out the options!
- Pro-life values
- Individual liberty
- Foreign policy
- Second Amendment rights
Uh, kind of weighted question there buddy. But I’ll play along and say that if anything, economics might be a weak spot.
6. Which television source do you primarily get your news from?
- Fox News
- Local news
What is “not Fox News,” Alex?
7. Do you use a source not listed above?
I do actually. Thanks for asking. I like Seth Meyers’ “Closer Look” segment, as well as Stephen Colbert and Samantha Bee. The Crooked Media dudes are clutch as well.
8. Which online source do you use the most?
The Magic iPod. Ryan needs a break sometimes.
9. Do you trust the mainstream media to tell the truth about the Republican Party’s positions and actions?
Probably more than you do, person who wrote this survey.
10. Do you believe that the mainstream media does not do their due diligence fact-checking before publishing stories on the Trump administration?
Well I believe this question is written terribly. I also believe that the mainstream media does due their homework in most cases, but as with any profession, they biff it from time to time. Accidents happen. Just look at who our President is.
11. Do you believe that the media unfairly reported on President Trump’s executive order temporarily restricting people entering our country from nations compromised by radical Islamic terrorism?
I feel like you do, person who wrote this survey, and you’d love it if I agreed with you.
12. Were you aware that a poll was released revealing that a majority of Americans actually supported President Trump’s temporary restriction executive order?
I already told you I don’t watch Fox News.
13. Do you believe that political correctness has created biased news coverage on both illegal immigration and radical Islamic terrorism?
Nope. I think a culture of us against them has created biased news coverage on a variety of subjects.
14. Do you believe that contrary to what the media says, raising taxes does not create jobs?
I believe that contrary to what this survey is implying, the media fairly and honestly discusses the complexities and nuances associated with raising taxes and the implications it may or may not have on creating jobs. Man, ease up the weighted questions. I’m starting to get the feeling this survey isn’t on the up and up.
15. Do you believe that people of faith have been unfairly characterized by the media?
I feel like Muslims haven’t been given a fair shake by Fox News, if that’s what you’re getting at.
16. Do you believe that the media wrongly attributes gun violence to Second Amendment rights?
Oh, has there not be a mass shooting recently and so we’re cool to talk about guns now? Cool. Well survey, I think the media in large part does a more than sufficient job in pointing out that there are numerous reasons for gun violence and minimizing it to just one or two only hamstrings the debate we should be having about guns in America.
17. Do you believe that the media has been far too quick to spread false stories about our movement?
Yeah, this survey might be biased.
18. Do you believe that the media uses slurs rather than facts to attack conservative stances on issues like border control, religious liberties, and ObamaCare?
I think if the media actually used a slur in their reporting, then we’d have something to talk about.
19. Do you believe that the media purposely tries to divide Republicans against each other in order to help elect Democrats?
I think the Republicans do a pretty good job making themselves look like soulless ass clowns.
20. Do you believe that the media creates false feuds within our Party in order to make us seem divided?
You just reworded the last question. Also, I thought you were a movement.
21. Do you believe that the mainstream media has been too eager to jump to conclusions about rumored stories?
Probably in some cases. But then again, so does our President. So I think it all evens out.
22. Do you believe that if Republicans were obstructing Obama like Democrats are doing to President Trump, the mainstream media would attack Republicans?
You mean like when the Republicans were obstructing Obama? I’m pretty sure this was pointed out and called attention to.
23. Do you agree with the President’s decision to break with tradition by giving lesser known reporters and bloggers the chance to ask the White House Press Secretary questions?
No. Not at all. Bush league move. Although, if he wants to add this blogger to the mix, I’m available.
24. Do you agree with President Trump’s media strategy to cut through the media’s noise and deliver our message straight to the people?
You mean rant like an immature, loose canon on Twitter? I don’t think that is ultimately a positive thing, so no, I don’t agree with this “strategy.” Yeah, because I don’t even agree that it’s a strategy. It’s more like a questionable way of life than it’s a strategy.
25. Do you believe that our Party should spend more time and resources holding the mainstream media accountable?
Yeah, because that is totally what the Republicans problem is right now.
Well, that was fun. I now feel dumber.
Cool. Now I’m going to go bang my head against the wall for an hour. Seems like best possible reaction to this survey.