The Bachelor Recap: Week Five

Let’s start here.

Highlights from this week on The Bachelor:

New Orleans
Beignets
A Second Line (even if it was staged)
Alexis
A Nic Cage mask
A pretty sweet haunted house
Rachel

Lowlights from this week on The Bachelor:

Taylor vs. Corinne, part 1
Taylor vs. Corinne, part 2
Nick’s judgement

Of course the biggest affront to basic human decency was the Rose Ceremony in Wisconsin, which took place in a barn, with barn doors open, at night, in what I’m assuming was sometime in the fall. Long story short, it was effin’ cold. How cold was it? YOU COULD SEE THEIR BREATH! Now you then might ask, did this maybe convince the producers to hurry things up at all? Ha, please. This is Trump’s America. Let them freeze. Somehow that will prove their merit as a potential wife.

This Week’s And You Are? Award Goes to…WHITNEY

Wait, who?

Dude, Whitney.

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Wait, nope. That’s Whitney from Farmer Chris’ season. We’re talking about this Whitney.

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Oh, cool. And who is Whitney? Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve ever heard her talk. I don’t know if Nick has ever heard her talk. But hey, she got a rose so she sticks around. Which is…uh…whatever. Moving on!

More Corinne Nonsense

This week resumed with the continued confrontation between Corinne and Taylor, a prolonged siege with all the intensity and excitement of the latest installment of the #streamingwars, in which someone bought Tidal and who really gives a shit anymore? All you need to know is that Taylor tried to take the high road and on that trip, kept throwing out the wonderfully annoying phrase “emotional intelligence.” According to Taylor, Corinne is too young for Nick and not well, emotionally intelligent (drink!) enough to get married. This is a bold claim by someone who is younger than Corinne, although in her defense, I’m afraid self-awareness might not be Taylor’s strong suit.

Corinne responds by mean girl, mind effin’ the bejesus out of Taylor. Taylor didn’t even know what hit her. Corinne was on such a roll, she could have convinced Taylor that not only did everyone not like her, but Nick didn’t like her, the state of Wisconsin didn’t like her, Steven Avery did kill that girl, the cameras around them are fake and Nick isn’t a real person because NONE OF THIS IS REAL TAYLOR! Poor Taylor. She brought a pumpkin carving knife to a gun fight. Corinne peaced out and retreated to the warm embrace of Nick, who naturally consoled her by praising her honesty and making out with her.

Ruling: match goes to Corinne

General Feeling Around the Table:

Which leads us to…

MVP of the Week: Alexis

Why? Please.

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Alexis is going to make Bachelor in Paradise so much fun I can hardly wait.

Even More Corinne Nonsense

Of course the episode ends with a two-on-one date between Taylor and Corinne, as Nick whisks them away, deep into the bayou. If you had Hangs Out with Voodoo Folks in the office pool, congrats to you. But jokes on you because the main voodoo folk was a white woman, which totally makes sense if you forget that, and let me make sure I get this right, voodoo is:

1. A religion of West African origin practiced chiefly in Haiti and other Caribbean countries, based on animism, magic, and elements of Roman Catholic ritual, and characterized by belief in a supreme God and a large pantheon of local and tutelary deities, deified ancestors, and saints, who communicate with believers in dreams, trances, and ritual possessions. Also called vodoun.

Man, white-washing things are hilarious aren’t they?

smile Recapping The Bachelor, Episode 5: See You Later, Alligator

Let’s just yadda-yadda some of this.

  • Nick goes with Corinne first. Corinne says Taylor sucks.
  • Nick then goes with Taylor. Taylor says Corinne sucks.
  • Nick gives Corinne the rose.
  • Taylor is never heard from again. Like, ever. She lives in the bayou now. K thx bye.

If we were to fill in any details, it’d be that Corinne made out Taylor to be the big bad, causing Nick to ask Taylor why she’s so mean to Corinne, thus putting Taylor on the defensive, a position she is clearly not use to being in. Taylor tries to explain to Nick why Corinne isn’t right for him. Yes, because every 36 year old wants to hear about what they should do with their life from a 23 year old.

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But alas, Nick and Corinne ride off into the sunset, free of Taylor drama and free to not talk and just make out and stuff for the rest of the evening.

Nope! Taylor is hot on their trail, a la the Chadbear, just slightly less menacing. Actually, a lot less menacing. Less of a threat of physical harm and more of a threat of mental annoyance. Stay tuned on that one.

About the Haunted House Date…

Not much to say really. Cool house. This dude was kind of weird.

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Danielle M. got the rose. She seems delightful. Her and Our Girl Vanessa seem like good friends. Okay, I’ve run out of things to say about the haunted house date.

Yeah, but Ghosts, Though?

Do I believe in ghosts. Yes, yes I do. And I’ll tell you why. I went on a ghost hunt once. It was in Lewisburg, Pennsylvania at a Freemason’s Lodge. It was run by the Southeastern Paranormal Research Association…or something like that. They told us to take pictures. We took pictures. Those splotches were ghosts apparently. There were a lot of splotches. My friend Chris was taken into the attic by a ghost hunter and the care-taker, who might be related to the dude above, and according to Chris, he was pushed up against a wall by something. The ghost hunter? No. The care-taker? No. A ghost? Seemed that way. I found Chris outside nervously smoking a cigarette and looking shook. If he was less steady of a dude, I would have thought nothing of it. But he’s in fact a very steady dude, so yes, I believe in ghosts.

Will Rachel Win This Thing?

You know, I kind of hope so. Her date with Nick was literally the most normal thing I’ve seen on television since the Inauguration.

Okay, see you next week.

 

 

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