A new season of The Bachelorette kicked off last night. It was predictably wonderful. The first episode, or more specifically, the second half of the first episode is always a delight. Limo introductions! There’s obviously a right way to do it and there’s a wrong way. Unfortunately there’s no in between.
Now for the most part, most of the dudes stuck the landing. There were a couple clunkers. But nothing overly tragic. Well, unless you’re that dude Will. Dropping your notes and failing to properly recover is somewhat tragic. But it’s okay Will. New Jersey will welcome you back.
Besides the dangers of dropping your notes, what else did we learn last night.
If you’re going to roll with a bit, you must commit to that bit
Nick dressed up like Santa Claus. Nick continued to be Santa Claus for the whole night. Nick revealed himself to JoJo as someone other than Santa Claus only once. Nick got a rose.
Now did Nick get a rose because he’s cute or funny or some combination of the two? Maybe. But the most likely reason homeboy got a rose is because of his commitment. In the twisted world of The Bachelor franchise, if you can commit to wearing a costume for much longer than you need to, you can commit to marriage. And don’t stop and think about how that doesn’t really make sense. It’s The Bachelorette. Very little makes sense.
If you’re going to drink like a fish, you best be able to swim
Dudes are going to drink on that first night. It’s bound to happen. But just like in life, some can handle their booze better than others. Now usually there is only one, maybe two dudes who get a little too sloppy. Last night I counted three. Three! There was Daniel the Canadian, Vinny the Barber and Nalgene Nick. Daniel stripped down and went swimming, Vinny just slurred a lot and Nick crashed in on JoJo filming a confessional. Surprisingly, two of the three scored roses. Sorry Nick. Although let’s be honest, our boy Daniel was definitely the Producer’s Pick.
Actually, Vinny might have been one too.
If you’re going to assume the Alpha Male role, it’s important to establish dominance early
Future alpha males of the role, take note of what our man Chad did last night. He talked endless amounts of shit, was dismissive of nearly everyone except JoJo (actually, he was actually mildly dismissive of her at one point- bold move, Chad,) starred dudes down and smirked his way through conversations he wanted nothing to do with. I felt slightly validated for calling Chad a douche in a post last week. But he might be more than just a douche. He might be the all-powerful, all-entertaining Super Douche. Does he punch someone at some point? It definitely looks that way! Does he be the one the others say isn’t there for the right reasons? You bet! Does JoJo fail to see any thing negative about him and to the surprise and disgust of the other dudes and the viewers, continue to give him roses? Heck yeah!
Ladies and gentlemen, we have our villain for this season.
Congratulations Chad. You won’t win JoJo’s heart, but you’ll be super dope on Bachelor in Paradise.
If you’re going to be the brother of a famous NFL player, you’re going to be Public Enemy number one from the jump
Jordan is the brother of Aaron Rodgers. Jordan also briefly played in the NFL. Jordan has swagger for days.
Everyone hates Jordan.
We’re off to a good start! I can feel it.