A new season of The Bachelorette kicks off Monday night and as an admitted and unapologetic fan of the show, I couldn’t be more excited. The show, whether it’s The Bachelorette, The Bachelor or the king daddy of them all, Bachelor in Paradise is kind of, sort of the best thing on television. Hate on it all you want; you’re wrong and misled. You’ve also probably never watched an episode of the show. Because if you had, well you’d be singing a much different tune.
You would be singing a tune of appreciation and respect. You would gladly acknowledge the comfort that comes with each season, largely because of the timing. The Bachelor fills your Monday nights in the dead of winter, The Bachelorette rescues them in the spring and by the time summer rolls around, it doesn’t flippin’ matter what night it’s on- Bachelor in Paradise is the perfect show for the summer. It goes right up there with summer ales, hot dogs, flip flops and unfortunate early season sunburns. I will defend this franchise with the religious ferocity of a thousand splendid suns.
This season we have Queen JoJo serving as our Bachelorette.
One of JoJo’s major accomplishments was making Bland Becca entertaining. She can do anything.
But in addition to that remarkable feat, JoJo stole our hearts during the last season of The Bachelorette when she ended up finishing second, largely because White Bread & American Cheese Ben Higgins couldn’t handle the ferocity and gusto of her. Admittedly, not many people can/could/will. Is JoJo cut from the same cloth as Rihanna…my Girl RiRi…maybe. They could be Targaryens- mythical creatures unencumbered by the ties that bind us normal humans. You can’t tame the dragon, you can only hope you don’t get burnt. Which then leads us to the cavalry of bros and dudes lined up at the gates of Bachelorette Mansion, ready to take their best shot at winning JoJo’s heart.
I’m not going to run through each bio and I’m not going to get hung up on the fact the not one, but two of these jabronis list Her as their favorite movie. Instead, I’m going to give these dudes some superlatives. Then we can revisit them as the season goes on and see how close I came to being right.
Most Likely to Be Filmed Doing Push-Ups
Why? Because my assessment of Chad is that he’s a douche. With that being said, it then makes sense that he’d be definitely be down to be filmed doing push-ups. Alright, alright, alright.
Most Likely to Have a Screaming Fit During a Date
Why? Dude harbors serious fears of bugs and bees. You don’t think the producers saw that and chuckled to themselves as they penciled poor Ali in for the date that takes place out in the woods?
Most Likely to Get Stuck Repeating the Same Phrase Over and Over Again
Why? Uh, because he’s obviously a robot.
Most Likely to Not Be a Hipster
Why? Just because it’s listed as his “occupation” doesn’t mean it’s true. His occupation is either Guy Who Works at a Bookstore or Software Salesman. I mean, they’re like all software salesman.
Most Likely to Make a Mixtape for JoJo
Why? Because you just gotta hear this song.
Most Likely to Not Be Their Stated Age
Why? 27? Please. You’re 33. Shut up. Although it should be noted that at least 99.4% of these dudes are doing the exact same thing.
Most Likely to Dabble in Archery
Why? I think by just looking at him you can answer that. He also rolls his own cigarettes and will on more than one occasion, refer to JoJo as “my lady.”
Most Likely to Break the World Record for Number of Times Saying “Bro” on Television
Why? Because bro, you don’t even know, bro. Yeah. He looks like the kind of dude who has the unique ability to start and finish sentences with “bro.”
Most Likely to Work Either Aaron Rogers or Olivia Munn Into Every Conversation
Why? Because his brother is Aaron Rogers and you would do the exact same thing.
Most Likely to Bring His Nalgene Bottle With Him on Dates
Why? Homeboy fashions himself an outdoors-man and rule one of embarking on adventures is to stay hydrated. Sidenote, the Nalgene bottle totally has a sticker on it from his Ultimate Frisbee league back home.
Most Likely to Be Able to Get You a Sweet Deal on a New Cell Phone
Why? Dude, “Telecom Consultant?” Come on. You sell cell phones. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
For bios of all the bros, check out ABC’s website.
Giddy up, JoJo. I’m ready.