Forget the Polar Vortex!
Forget legal weed!
Forget the Baseball Hall of Fame!
This week, the only news that matters was that a new season of The Bachelor started. Welcome to Juan-uary folks. This season’s bachelor is Juan Pablo. Yes. Juan Pablo. I love this show. It seems they finally figured out that boring white dudes are just that, boring white dudes. Chris Hanson, I’m going to give you credit for that one.
The first episode of every season of The Bachelor is really two episodes in one. There is the first episode, which serves as an introduction of both Juan Pablo and a few select ladies, or contestdates. These intros are weird and borderline uncomfortable. Topics covered: recent heartbreak, the death of a parent, inability to find love, a fondness for kids, occupations.
Once this is over, the high quality entertainment starts and we have the limo introductions. Limo introductions are the magical moments when our contestdates first set eyes on Juan Pablo and Juan Pablo first sets eyes on them. There’s 27 of them! Shit, how are you supposed to stand out from the other she devils also vying for Juan Pablo’s attention? Some gals threw out some chunky Spanish, some went with safe sweet talking, some went with whatever this is…
All of these methods are fine, some are better than others. But if you really want to stick out, if you really want Juan Pablo’s fragile Venezuelan brain to remember you, then you got to go with props. Props are a sure fire way to be remembered. But they are also a sure fire to be humiliated. It’s a fine line between getting a rose and getting the boot.
Here are some rules for Limo Introduction Prop Usage…
Rule Number 1: Your Prop Should Be Functional
The prop you use for your limo introduction should be your best friend, not your worst enemy. Remember, you want the prop to help you in a good way, not in a bad way. Simple is better. Once things get complicated, it lets more room for error and disaster to creep in.
A Good Example: Alli and her soccer ball
Well done, ma’am.
A Bad Example: Lauren S. and her piano bike
Yeah, a keytar probably could have sufficed.
Rule Number 2: Prop Jokes Never Work
Sure, Carrot Top had a good run as a prop comic, but where is he now? Prop comedy is a waste of time and has the staying power of the fifty second remix of “Royals.”
A Good Example: There are no good examples
A Bad Example: There are a couple…
1. Maggie and her fish hook
No. No. No. Even your family is cringing at that one.
2. Lacy and her pills
Lacy, you’re adorable and have a great back story (taking care of nine siblings, all with special needs and running her own nursing home.) You’re better than this. Right? Are you? Now I don’t know.
3. Clare and her fake baby bump
Come on Clare, this is text book. Super hot gals don’t need props, only their hotness.
4. Chelsea and her chemistry bit
Why don’t you just have good jokes?
Rule Number 3: Props Should Be Relevant
The whole point of using a prop during your limo intro is to A) give ol’ Juan Pablo a glimpse into your life and B) help him remember who you are (because remember, you’re one of 27.) So with that being said, you want the prop to have some relevancy.
A Good Example: Nikki and her stethoscope
Cheesy, but relevant.
A Bad Example: Ashley and her gold star
Stupid. Relevant yes, but stupidity trumps relevancy.
Just three simple rules when it comes to using props during your limo introduction. Follow those rules and you should be made in the shade. Don’t follow them and you’ll be on your way home dejected, buzzed off of bad champagne and lamenting your loss.
But hey, maybe Carrot Top is single?
Photos: Buzzfeed, ABC