The world is full of many love stories- stories of how a couple met, fell in love and started a life together. Run-ins at the gym, introduced by a friend, coffee shop bonding, dog park dalliances. Stories as old as love itself.
Up until now though, one love story has alluded us. The ol’ we met at a hedonistic Mexican resort under the moonlight and television lighting, talked for ten minutes, watched each other on dates with other people, did Tequila shots, went swimming, watched each other on a couple more dates, cried some, talked for another ten minutes, developed an amazing connection, climbed some ruins and fell in love.
That story has been suspiciously absent.
Last night Bachelor in Paradise premiered. Bachelor Svengali Chris Harrison has described the show as “The Bachelor on steroids.” You could have inserted tetanus shots, STD treatments and/or Red Bull, Advil, Tequila. Heroes and villains from past seasons have come to Mexico, once again looking for love in what could easily be considered the worst possible place to find love but damn it if they are not going to try again. Each week, a few members from one sex randomly get date cards that they can give to a member of the other sex- not the same sex because this is The Bachelor franchise and things like inter-racial dating and same-sexing dating have yet to reach their calming shores. At the end of the episode, the sex who had been asked on dates are given roses, presumably to then give to someone from the opposite sex who they have developed a connection with. No rose, no Mexico for you!
And that’s it. That’s Bachelor in Paradise.
Seems simple enough.
But it’s not. It’s not simple. Meeting a gal at the laundry mat, courtin’ her and going from there. That’s simple. Meeting someone for the first time in a producer-appointed Paradise, talking for ten minutes, making out for five and staring at each other for three and then declaring love for one another isn’t simple. Not at all.
It’s actually kind of more of Wait…what? situation because none of it is believable, rationale or remotely logical.
It’s just kind of…wait…what?
How many episodes of this crazy ass television program will I watch? I don’t know. Half way through I was done with it, but by the end, well one more sounded reasonable enough. I mean, next week someone may or not jump off a balcony and break both of their legs and their may or may not be some phantom running around, alluding the cameras. How could I pass that up?
In the meantime though, we need to run through the most Wait…what? moments from last night.
Marcus needs to be Alone, Just in View of Others
Marcus, the tall drink of water that my Darling Wife and Wonderful Mother-in-Law swooned over, is still heart-broken, ney, COMPLETELY DEVASTATED from being dumped by Andi, the most recent Bachelorette. He’s sad, Marcus is sad. He’s no doubt spent the past couple weeks in his room with the shades drawn, reading Pablo Neruda poems and listening to Cat Power, wondering what the hell went wrong. But then he got a call from Svengali Chris to come down to Mexico and even though his heart was still as fragile as your mother’s China, he decided to go. He still wants to find love, and even though he’s a pretty top ten looking dude, can apparently only find it in the comfort of a televised audience. Maybe some time away will help. Maybe being around some other scorned lovers will help ease the pain. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe first, Marcus needs some time alone to catch his thoughts and reflect. Maybe he needs to put on the most un-bathing suit/very tight underwear looking orange bathing suit he owns and frolic in the waves. Alone. By himself. Just some Marcus time.
Only wait a second Marcus…you chose to do all of this IN FULL VIEW OF EVERYONE ELSE! You didn’t even bother to walk down the beach a few clicks. No, you decided to do some solo soul searching literally right in front of everyone you were allegedly looking to get a few moments away from. Who the hell are you Marcus? A Kardashian?
Marcus then proceeded to have a delightful date with the equally delightful Sarah, but enamored with Lacy’s “personality,” gave Lacy a rose instead of Sarah.
And with that Marcus, you lost the love of the women in my household.
And that includes my dog.
Lacy is Not Going Home on the First Night Again!
Who the hell is Lacy?
Lacy lasted only one night during Juan Pablo’s season, only getting screen time to introduce herself to America (not successfully) and JP (also not successfully.) Looking to make a name for herself and looking to definitely stay longer this time…oh yeah, and to find love, Lacy went to work. She rolled up her sleeves (took her shirt off,) put on her doin’ work pants (a bikini,) and got her hands dirty (locked onto Marcus, then that other dude, then back to Marcus.)
Congratulations Lacy. You didn’t go home!
Congratulations Lacy. Upon getting a date card, you said you were 80/40 convinced you knew who you’d pick.
Well I’m 80/40 convinced you might be a this season’s MVP!
Raccoon, I Love How You’re Such a Good Listener
Claire is back! You might remember Claire from such aquatic adventures during Juan Pablo’s season like The Time They Hooked Up in the Hot Tub or the Time They May or May Not Have Bumped Uglies in the Ocean. Juan Pablo’s season ended on kind of a down note for Claire, as she found herself with the silver medal and the shaft when it came time to pick the next bachelorette. Claire has not given up hope when it comes to finding love, though. Everything seems to go great for her in Mexico, especially when she gets the first date card. Innocently enough, she picks Graham. No harm there, right?
Graham is spoken for Claire.
But wait, didn’t everyone just get there and meet each other?
GRAHAM IS SPOKEN FOR CLAIRE!
Needless to say, Claire has to organize her thoughts. She needs someone to talk too. One of the other girls maybe? Perhaps one of the other dudes? Hell, maybe even a friendly local? Well, kind of.
While totally probably not how it happened, Claire finds solace talking things through with a raccoon. She found his or her advice comforting and helpful. He or she told that there’s one rule that everyone must play by when it comes to finding love, don’t eff with crazy. Going on a date with Graham and she’s most definitely effin’ with crazy.
Graham is crazy?
No. Graham seems perfectly normal. I’ve heard he’s a great follow on social media.
So how is Claire effin’ with crazy by going on date with him?
AshLee: Professional Organizer, Amateur Stalker
AshLee was on Sean the Virgin’s season. AshLee fell hard for Sean and thought everything was going to be all…
But instead it was all…
AshLee went home empty-handed. One would think that a professional organizer such as herself would distract herself with disheveled closets, messy desks, and the garages of horders. And while she very well might have, she apparently also spent some time following Graham on social media. She followed him so much that she started to fall for him, started to think they were made for each other, started to think that their wedding would feature a DJ, short and tall floral center pieces, and navy blue bridesmaid dresses. Upon hearing that the Love of Her Life was doing this Bachelor in Paradise thing, AshLee eagerly signed up, seeing it as Step 1 in her yet to be written, but already conceived love story with Graham.
Everything started out perfectly wonderful for our destined lovers. They said hi, they laughed a bit, AshLee only subtly mentioned the future she had laid out for them and it seemed like it was all going to work according to plan.
Until of course that sea-faring jezebel Claire asked out Graham.
Batten down the hatches y’all! Shit’s about to get real!
It should be noted though, that in defense of Claire, she kind of had no idea that AshLee was A) in love with Graham and B) a psycho. Either way, Claire took the high road, rescinded her invite to a now very confused Graham and went out with the other dude that later on had a connection with Lacy but then ended up getting bummed when Marcus picked Lacy and she was all about it, forgetting the connection that they had.
Wait, who picked Clare? Someone did.
More importantly, Graham picked AshLee and everything was right in the world. Everything was right in paradise.