Happy, Shiny People

By Ryan O'Connell on 08/08/2014 • ( 1 )

Yes, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen every episode of Saved by the Bell. Although that does not include any of that Saved by the Bell: the New Class baloney and I might have missed one or two from the early years when they were in Indiana. Yeah, they started in Indiana before mostly all of them ditched Miss Bliss and headed to sunny California.

And Miss Bliss was never heard from again.

My sister and I dutifully spent week day afternoons, usually between 5 and 6, before the evening news, watching Saved by the Bell. If college taught me anything it’s that we weren’t alone, as watching reruns of the show was something everyone would and could do with ease. And who hasn’t been so excited, so excited, so…scared at least once or twice in their life? Bayside was a hot bed of activity. One week you could be selling elevator passes to nerdy freshman, the next week you could be in a chart-topping rock band. Oil spills, car restorations, wrestling matches, magic lockers, the ability to freeze time. Bayside High School was the high school we all dreamed about going to. As we got older, Saved by the Bell moved from our dreams to our memories, properly secured nice and tight as a fun thing to reminisce about. It should have stayed there, left untouched and undisturbed except for the occasional rerun you could catch at some odd time of day.

But nothing stays untouched anymore. Not even Saved by the Bell.

Debuting in September is the Lifetime movie, The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story. Parts of the movie are based on Dustin “Screech” Diamond’s tell-all Behind the Bell, which consists of one or two probably not true gossip nuggets. In the Take It For What You Will file, Diamond apparently regrets writing the book. Either way, between the book and other stories, Lifetime cobbled together this movie in an apparent attempt to destroy all of our child hoods. I don’t need to know who Mark-Paul Gooselaar was sleeping with. I already just assumed it was everyone.

This week, a short clip of the movie was released and wait for it…everyone hated each other. And not even just a little. Like, a lot. Not exactly mind-blowing news, but still, mildly earth-shattering.

You can watch the clip if you want. Go for it. It’s only two minutes, although it may very well haunt you forever.

If you don’t want to watch it…and that’s understandable, I broke it down for you.

SCENE:

The cast are taking promo shots. “Poison” by Bell Biv Devoe is playing, which may or may not be intentionally ominous, but eventually definitely proves ominous. The cast look young- like middle schoolers. “Zack” especially looks like a shit head little high school freshman.

00:18: “Zack” is nursing a white Styrofoam cup. What is he drinking? Is it booze? Tell me it’s booze. It has to be booze, right?

00:35: Oooohhh, “Lisa” likes “Zack” and is none too happy with the flirting between “Zack” and “Kelly,” even though the director told them too. We have HINT OF DRAMA NO. 1.

00:41: Den mother: “Jessie.” Somehow that makes sense.

00:48: No really, what is “Zack” drinking?

00:50: Girls only photos and SHOTS FIRED BY “LISA.” “Jessie” steps in to keep the peace. Don’t you be messin’ with “Lisa’s” man, “Kelly.”

01:07: Random shot of two dudes moving one folding table, although there are doubts that this movie contains an anti-unionized labor sub plot.

01:15: Ooooohhhh, “Lisa” does not like “Kelly.”

01:26: “Slater” decides to do some pushups while he waits.

Something tells me this is something Mario Lopez still does today. WHAT IS “ZACK” DRINKING???

01:31: “Screech” joins him. Soooooo…maybe they’re friends?

01:47: Nope, they are not friends. HINT OF DRAMA NO. 2.

01:56: “Screech” can’t keep up and is helped up begrudgingly by “Zack,” quickly brushing him off, but not before throwing some shade at “Slater,” calling him a prick. “Screech” is scolded by the director for language. “Slater” taunts “Screech,” telling him to call him a prick to his face. Not to nitpick or poke any holes here, but “Screech” directed the prick remark directly at “Slater.” He literally can’t call him a prick to his face any more directly.

02:07: “Screech” and “Slater” are kind of separated by “Zack” and by kind of, I mean “Zack” does this in the most half-assed way possible.

02:14: “Jessie” is turned off by a sweaty “Slater.” Verdict is out on her feelings about his kick ass Hawaiian shirt.

02:18: The photo shoot devolves into a wonderful display of whiny kids bickering at each other because if we’ve learned anything from this clip, it’s that they all hate each other. The clips ends with “Mr. Belding” delivering this most likely prophetic and dire warning- “The network didn’t kill us. The hormones might.”

Final Takeaways…

So, maybe they don’t like each other?

Maybe they hate each other?

Maybe they like, really hate each other?

I bet this didn’t happen with the cast of Salute Your Shorts.

The Lasting Question…

What’s in the cup, Zack???

Possible Answers:

Gin
Fruit Punch
Gin and Fruit Punch
Moonshine
Orange Soda
Vodka
Jack & Coke
Tang
Sunny D
Vodka and Sunny D
Water
Vodka and Water
Tonic Water
Bull urine
Nothing, it’s a spit cup for tobacco
“Lisa’s” tears
Rum

Photos: Lifetime