First though, this isn’t science. This isn’t based on very many facts or logical reasons. Well, some of it may be. But some might not. I’m going to play fast and loose with some facts because to be honest, I don’t feel like spending a lot of time immersed in Google deep dives. Let’s just keep it easy breezy Charlie Brown and we’ll all be better off for it.
Now, onto the Joy bracket.
Kendrick Lamar (1) vs. Caitlyn Jenner’s Politics (8)
There is no way Kendrick is going out in the first round. It’s just not going to happen. Truth be told, he’s the Kansas of this tournament- the front-runner and betting favorite. As far as Jenner goes, well, she’s made some waves with her political views and they’re noteworthy for at least a couple of reasons. The first is that Bruce Jenner was a pretty hardcore Republican. His views were fairly in line with the entitled, rich white demo. I suppose then that the general assumption would be those views would change some when he himself changed. It’s not as if Republicans are all that keen on transgenders, of which he has recently aligned himself with. If a group seemingly wants to deny your existence, surely you wouldn’t still support them. Right?
Well, you’d kind of think that but it’s not really the case. Jenner has maintained the political leanings of her former life, much to the dismay and disgust of her new crew and a shocked transgender community. She’s come out as both a Trump and Cruz fan and is very strongly against Hillary. This actually then brings up an interesting twist…Caitlyn Jenner is not going to be, nor is she, the first transgender person to keep their political beliefs, even though they might not align with her new lifestyle. I bet there’s other trans folks out there, equally enamored with Trump and/or Cruz. They are a minority within a minority- always a tough place to be.
Another tough place to be is facing Kendrick effin’ Lamar in the first round. Sorry Caitlyn.
“Work” by Rihanna (2) vs. RIP David Bowie
The death of David Bowie in January kind of proved a nasty little secret in our society, that we sometimes forget about our living legends and only remember then when they die. But when that happens, we are really good at remembering them. Like, we effin’ nail it. We create playlists and pen remembrances. We read think pieces and post quotes on social media. Like I said, we ace our tributes.
Yet the Bowie tributes have dried up and we have predictably gone on with our lives. It’s not a knock on Bowie, it’s life, man. We mourn, we remember, we move on. We update our social media accounts all along the way. We do the work. Wait, what’s that? We do the work. The what? The work, work, work, work.
Bowie was a god, but we’re living in Rihanna’s world right now.
“Work” is probably the song of 2016 so far. It’s had a much better shelf life than Beyonce’s ‘Formation,” even though “Formation” is a much better song. Radio is still spinning “Work” and will continue to do so for a while. It’s a fun song, man, even if you don’t know what the eff she’s talking about most of the time.
David Schwimmer Saying “Juice” (3) vs. “Bad Dudes”
Trump is not a fan of “bad dudes.” “Bad dudes” are causing a ruckus at his
rallies shows, once he becomes President, “bad dudes” in our country illegally are getting the boot and he’s going to fill up Gitmo (which he’s not closing) with even more bad dudes. Trump likely sees a kid skateboarding down the street and shakes his head, muttering “look at that bad dude.” It should be noted though, that “bad dudes” aren’t messing up his events. For the most part it’s well-meaning protestors voicing their concerns and those well-meaning protestors are getting their clocks cleaned by “bad dudes,” but “bad dudes” that are Trump supporters. Bad dudes aren’t strictly limited to the Trump-verse though. Fitz on Scandal is a bad dude. So is O.J. Simpson on The People vs O.J. Simpson and at least six of the hateful eight in Quentin Tarantino’s The Hateful Eight. Tom Hardy was a very bad dude in The Revenant. Bill Cosby is a bad dude. So is Putin. A lot of people in New Jersey think Chris Christie is a bad dude. Hell, a lot of people think Trump is a bad dude.
Long story short, bad dudes are making a lot of noise right now.
Now a few weeks ago, Schwimmer was making a lot of noise on The People vs O.J. Simpson, especially with the amount of times an episode he said “juice.”
If it was a drinking game, you’d be flirting with alcohol poisoning. But it’s cooled off as of late. Like, really cooled off. Like, we haven’t heard Schwimmer say “juice” once in two weeks. The show is still excellent and the most entertaining show on television. But the decline in “juices” is a bummer.
Our first upset. Bad dudes advance.
Those fucking assholes. Of course they do.
Tom Hardy (4) vs. Cranky Old Athletes Bitching About Current Athletes
Since sports started, old dudes have been complaining about new dudes. In Ancient Greece, as athletes prepared for the Olympics, the older rock tossers complained about the younger ones- bitching about their flash and lack of respect for tossing rocks. So when Oscar Robinson comes out bashing Steph Curry or Goose Gossage comes out hating on practically everyone currently employed as an active player on a Major League Baseball roster, it really isn’t that big of a deal. It might be treated like one, but really, who the hell cares what they have to say. Regardless of the field you’re in, you are always going to say your era was better. It’s human nature. You want to validate your accomplishments and diminish others. It’s pretty simple. Let’s move on.
Like Tom Hardy.
Kendrick Lamar vs. Bad Dudes
Screw you, bad dudes. Kendrick has been molten hot lava since the year started. He took a dump on bad dudes with his performance at the 2016 Grammys. Bad dudes will get far in life, but only so far. Screw you, bad dudes. Your attitude is deplorable.
“Work” vs. Tom Hardy
This is a tough one. Hardy’s been on kind of a role and was a big part of two movies up for Best Picture at the 2016 Oscars: The Revenant and Mad Max: Fury Road. But Mad Max: Fury Road came out last summer and most of the love it got at the Oscars was for technical achievements. I personally felt Hardy should have been considered for Best Supporting Actor for his role as Very Bad Dude in The Revenant, but I don’t remember his name coming up that much. On the flip side, at least two radio stations in your area are probably playing “Work” right now. And this tournament is about right now. Sometimes things just work, work, work, work out and sometimes they don’t.
Kendrick Lamar vs. “Work”
I’ll never forget how I felt after Kendrick’s performance at the Grammys. I was speechless. It was dynamic, powerful, inspiring. It was the best thing all night, by far.
I didn’t like “Work” the first time I heard. I still don’t like the Drake verse.