As with any time that you are wrapped up in something magical, it’s hard to take a moment and reflect on the beauty and wondrous nature of your situation. Everything is just so flippin’ fantastic that you don’t want to step away. It’s just too hard.
But you need to step away, at least for a moment. Because if nothing else, you need to remove yourself from a situation to truly appreciate it. So that is what I am doing right now- removing myself from the emotionally charged and soul-crushing & making roller coaster that is Bachelor in Paradise, also known as THE GREATEST SHOW ON TELEVISION to look back on the season so far and fully appreciate the love-lustin’ dumpster fire we have all been lucky enough to bare witness to so far. And it has been a dumpster fire. A beautiful dumpster fire that just like an actual dumpster fire, is damn-near impossible to avert your eyes from. The sight of burning garbage is just to mesmerizing.
I honestly don’t even know where to start.
I mean the obvious place to start is Five Head Joe’s truly magnificent heel turn. That dude went from the “goof ball” and “guy we liked” on Kaitlyn’s season to a complete mega-dick burger now that he is cockily sashaying his way around paradise…sorry, Paradise. It’s capitalized because this is a place, a state of mind, a desirable location for attention-seeking vagabonds who despite their obvious good looks, have decided the only place for them to find love is a rat-infested television show. Yeah, that part has never made sense to me. But either way, Ol’ Five Head’s heel turn has been something to behold. And the best effin’ thing about the whole thing is how completely unapologetic he has been about it. He literally does not give two shits that he used Juelia to achieve a stay of execution so that he’d be there when Sam got there. Sam you might remember is a gal you totally don’t remember from Farmer Chris’ season.
Here, this is Sam…
That was literally the only time she received some solo time on camera. Yet somehow she made it to episode eight or something. She might be a witch.
But now she’s in Paradise and the resident conspiracy-buffs in Paradise are convinced that Sam and Joe were in cahoots and are not in Paradise for the right reasons. Not being in Paradise for the right reasons is the equivalent of murdering a kitten in the real world. It’s the worst crime imaginable and is punishable by public shaming, numerous awkward conversations and confrontations and behind the back shit-talking. I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy.
I would wish it on Joe though because that dude has been showing an attitude usually reserved for people who throw bags of urine at homeless people.
Now the weird thing about this whole kerfuffle is that Joe has himself a devoted and loyal fan club. It’s like he’s One Direction and dudes like Tanner and Jared are 12 year old girls. It’s almost embarrassing. But that fandom seemed to wither some this week as Tanner outed Joe, claiming he saw screen shots of texts between Joe and Sam. In case you were wondering, snitches do not get stitches in Paradise. It’s actually encouraged. Paradise is a bizarro universe and I’m pretty sure “yes” might mean “no.” So Tanner ratted Five Head and Sam out to Jared, who is most likely 17 years old and has to borrow his dad’s car when he goes out on dates. Jared totally still has a curfew. I’m sorry, but until he earns our trust it’s staying!
Jared was rightfully distraught about this whole Five Head/Sam travesty and with Tanner in tow, attempted to confront the despicable two. He was not successful. Why? Because Joe might be the Trump of Bachelor in Paradise– impervious to insults, attacks and criticism, and just like with the race for the Republican nomination- it’s totally the best/worst thing ever.
Then JJ got involved and JJ just doesn’t get involved, JJ gets INVOLVED. He uses big words and stands on the grounds of a version of idealized manhood and manliness that he no doubt bases his whole life around. Jared and Tanner were unable to properly confront Joe because Tanner is normal and Jared has yet to reach puberty so they had to call in the big guns, one gun is adorned with one of the worst tattoos ever affixed to someone’s body. The JJ/Five Head Joe confrontation was like watching two rocks repeatedly roll into one another and I’ll leave it at that. JJ also brought a book with him to Paradise making him the first person ever to do so in the entire Bachelor universe. So congrats. JJ is clearly an asshole. But he’s a special kind of asshole. He’s the kind of asshole who is great when he’s your asshole, but terrible when he’s not. Use his assholeness for good and it’s killer, but if that force is turned dark than shit will get nasty quick.
Elsewhere in Paradise, Ashley…specifically “Crazy” Ashley is back and dude, she is a very good looking woman who happens to be a touch eccentric. She’s a wild card and I firmly believe that the world needs wild cards. I was all set to defend her uniqueness. Do you, Ashley.
But then things got a little weird with birds and…
Yeah, I don’t know about her.
There’s another Ashley. She cries a lot.
Like, a lot.
Like, 40% of the time if I had to guess. Get it together, girl. You know you’re on TV, right?
And what wonderful TV it is.
Except for the dates. Pass on those. Anytime someone leaves the compound, I’m out. I’m not watching Bachelor in Paradise to see two nimrods gallivant around amazing tropical locales. I’m here for juice son! Five Head Joe’s got some juice. Anything Clare is involved with is juice. And what? Clare…again? Clare, have you ever thought that maybe you are having trouble finding love because you keep appearing on reality television shows and doing so in not the best light? Because that could be it. Just saying. But hey, love you Clare. Keep doing you, Clare.
And Jared, remember that curfew buddy.