Despite my moral compass pointing me in the exact opposite direction, I, like the majority of the human race are headed towards another NFL season. I really don’t want to be as excited as I am because the commissioner of the sport is the flippin’ anti-christ who has been hell bent on torpedoing my beloved Patriots. Wait, is that language too strong? Maybe. Whatever. Roger Goodell is a run-of-the-mill, no talent ass clown, albeit an incredibly rich one. Good on you sir. Keep cashing them checks son.
Yet I will not let him spoil my fun. The Patriots won the Super Bowl. Shit, they might win again this year. Why not? I say they have as good of a chance as any other team. Well except for the Jets. And the Browns. And the
Redskins football team in Washington D.C.. And probably the Rams. And Bears, Lions and Bills. Actually there are way more teams that don’t have a chance to win than do. Looks like baseball has really successfully co-opted this idea of parity.
So as a new seasons approaches and as nearly every other corner of the Internet features predictions, Giddy Up America will not dabble in the prediction business and will instead, simply run through twenty thoughts, ideas, mildly bold proclamations.
Let’s do it to it…
No. 1: The Patriots probably won’t repeat, but they’ll at least get to the AFC Championship Game.
Wait, that sounded like a prediction.
No. 2: The Colts will most likely be the team that beats them. #AndreJohnsonRebirthIsUponUs
So did that one.
No. 3: I’m not sure if you smell it, but I smell a Seahawks regression season.
Maybe these are predictions?
No. 4: Super Bowl 50 will be the Colts and the…uh…maybe the Packers? The Colts won’t win. Why? Because karma is a bitch yo. See: Gate, Delfate
Yeah, I guess so.
No. 5: The ESPN boner for Andrew Luck will be able to be seen from space.
Yeah, predictions. Whatever.
No. 6: Unless Chip Kelly can figure out a way to carry two defenses, the Eagles will flame out by mid-season. A fast offense is cool and all, unless you play defense for that team. Then it kind of sucks. No breaks yo.
No. 7: Nick Foles will have a better season than Sam Bradford.
No. 8: Maybe the Patriots will get back to the Super Bowl? It’s not like the Colts will magically be able to stop the run this year. And the Pats will be in massive Eff You Mode.
No. 9: Eli Manning has a better season than Peyton Manning. But Cooper Manning has a better year than both. Trading energy like a boss.
No. 10: We will all take turns feeling bad for Drew Brees this season and a “he deserves better than this” narrative will become widely circulated by October.
No. 11: Would it be cooler if JJ Watt were a bad guy? Wouldn’t it make him more interesting? I think it might. Just suggesting that maybe a heel turn would do wonders for his brand.
No. 12: Hey Rex Ryan, less bluster, more wins. Just suggesting that maybe a few more wins would do wonders for his brand as well.
No. 13: Speaking of brands, hey Tim Tebow, there is nothing wrong with Canada. It’s a wonderful place, full of delightful people. I love Canada! Stop hating on Canada, Tim Tebow. It’s either that or TV buddy. I’m going to go out on a limb and say your NFL options have dried up. You are in an any port in the storm situation here, albeit a storm that is more desirable than most storms.
No. 14: The 49ers will be terrible. And yet, I still drafted Colin Kaepernick. As a backup, though!
No. 15: Nope, scratch that. I did not draft Colin Kaepernick. Probably the smartest thing I’ve done all week.
No. 16: Geno Smith will be the Jets’ starter by week 7, Bryce Petty by week 14, the dude in section 304, row 11 by week 16.
No. 17: Goodell has to be fired, right? The flood gates of criticism are wide open right now and don’t show any signs of closing. Well, not unless ESPN finds a way to flip the narrative and “anonymous sources among NFL owners” continue to express support for him. I will say this, the argument that he should stay because he’s good at making money for the league is nonsense. My five month old daughter could make the NFL money. Goodell’s job the last year or so has been to stay the course, encourage stability and in a sense, not eff up the ish. He has failed at all of these things. So I repeat, Goodell has to be fired, right?
No. 18: One of these teams: Steelers, Ravens, Broncos, will not make the playoffs.
No. 19: One of these teams: Texans, Chargers, Raiders will make the playoffs.
No. 20: ESPN College Gameday’s dynamic duo of Tim Tebow and Robert Griffin III will be incredibly popular in 2017.