The Wildest Wild Card: Wrapping Up Round One

By Ryan O'Connell on 03/16/2015 • ( 0 )

Does a knot in your stomach affect ones ability to type? Because I have one and we’ll see. Said knot is not related to the Wildest Wild Card competition. No sir. This knot is courtesy of The Jinx and the holy shit moment that wrapped up the series. And I knew it was coming too because the Internet has a serious problem with Spoilers. Didn’t matter, though. It didn’t make those last few moments of the episode any less shocking.

However we need to press on. Bob Durst is on his way to California, 64 68 teams are on their way to the NCAA tournament and we’re making our way to the second round of the Wildest Wild Card Tournament. But first let’s see how the first round match ups in the Milk Steak and Denim Chicken brackets went.

The Milk Steak Bracket

Miley Cyrus (1) vs. 3 Day Weekends (8)

Has Miley become too much of a wild card or too less of a wild card? And I say this in terms of, has she become too crazy or have her antics become too predictable? And is this a thing? Is there a tipping point for wild cards when a wild card becomes essentially less of a wild card because their wild cardness has become predictable? It kind of feels like a thing, definitely based on some of the match ups already discussed. Florida for instance- lost to day drinking partly because Florida is Florida and Florida is crazy, but Florida is known for being crazy- hence Florida is really not that crazy. I think this is the danger every wild card faces- it’s like an artistic burden- that constant need to stay fresh and not predictable. Life is tough, even for a wild card. And that is the lesson we will take away from today. Oh, and remember that that you should always just assume a microphone is on. (Looking at you, Bob.)

Miley, though- still a wild card. She hasn’t tipped yet.

3 day weekends? 3 day weekends are awesome. I love a good 3 day weekend. If I had to pick a 3 day weekend starting on Friday or ending on Tuesday- I’d pick one that ended on Tuesdays. Dude everyone dips out of work early on Fridays anyway….nope, not me, if you’re my boss and you’re reading this it should be noted that others dip out early but not me…anyway…Sunday nights become so much better if Monday isn’t a work day. So for the restoration of Sunday, I choose the Tuesday option.

I also pick Miley.

3 day weekends are cool, fun, enjoyable, wonderful. Not so much of a wild card, though. Especially once you get older. That shit gets planned out as soon as you find out one is happening. There’s no way anything considered a quality wild card would involve that much planning.

Lady Gaga (2) vs Mike Tyson (7)

Did you see Lady Gaga at this year’s Oscars, singing tunes from The Sound of Music? Pretty incredible, right? Do you remember Lady Gaga wearing a dress made of meat? You probably do. Now think back to the Oscars but instead of being caught up with how great Gaga’s performance was, ask yourself, did you ever see that coming from the wacky bird who rocked that meat dress?

No. No you didn’t.

That’s a wild card right there.

Mike Tyson is also a pretty serious wild card. Bill Simmons even came up with a term, “The Tyson Zone” for when a famous person’s antics don’t even surprise you anymore in honor and in tribute to Iron Mike. Is that a definition of a wild card? Or is it the definition of a wild card who has passed the wild card tipping point? I’d argue it’s the latter- the wild card tipping point. Tyson has tipped. He also went to jail for raping a woman. Screw you Mike Tyson. And your pigeons.

Lady Gaga moves on.

Snow (3) vs. Tony Stark (6)

Snow is the wild card of weather- hands down. Stark is the wild card of the Avengers.

Weather is a real thing. The Avengers are not.

This however, doesn’t really matter.

Snow sucks after the second snow storm. Iron Man 3 was actually pretty good. Well at least until the end. Too many Iron Men, I got confused.

Tony Stark moves on…but this is most likely due to me being completely over winter.

Lauryn Hill (4) vs. Phillie Phanatic (5)

I’ll say this, the Phillie Phanatic has never once let me down. Lauryn Hill? You could say that she’s been a let down since she seemingly went off the deep end after the hullabaloo surrounding her great album, The Mis-Education of Lauryn Hill died down. I don’t think she’s released anything of quality sense. But I could be wrong. I’m not wrong about the Phanatic, though. That green tub of fun is the real deal. He has a hot dog cannon. That’s pretty dope. Lauryn Hill has an aversion to paying taxes. That is pretty not dope. I don’t want to pay taxes either Lauryn Hill, but I’m going too. And as a result, I’m not going to celebrate someone who refuses to pay taxes. Especially if that someone…and let’s be honest here…squashed her potential. I remember a few years ago, watching the Welcome to America show in Philly, the one curated by the Roots. Lauryn Hill was the special guest and in our apartment, there was much celebration. Until the music started. The Mis-Education of Lauryn Hill was released in 1998 and she was still playing songs from that album, which would be cool if they weren’t butchered- which they were.

I don’t know man. Lauryn Hill is less of a wild card, more of a liability.

Phanatic with the upset.

Advancing: Miley Cyrus, Lady Gaga, Phillie Phanatic, Tony Stark

Next Round: Miley Cyrus (1) vs. Phillie Phanatic (5), Lady Gaga (2) vs. Tony Stark (6)

The Denim Chicken Bracket

Leonardo DiCaprio (1) vs. Charles Barkley (8)

Do you think Leo lives on top of a mountain somewhere? I bet he does.

Well, that settles that one.

Leo moves on.

Tax Returns (2) vs. Legalized Marijuana (7)

In 2006 I decided to go to grad school. In the winter of 2007, as a result of being a student again, I got what could only be described as the most baller tax return I had ever received. It was glorious. It was also the last substantial tax return I ever received. I think tax returns are more of a gift from God than a wild card.

Legalized marijuana? Now that’s a wild card because that’s a game changer right there and who really knows what the hell is going to happen if all 50 states were to legalize weed. I strongly doubt that nurses and school bus drivers will be stoned on the job, but I also strongly believe that resources currently deployed to arrest pot heads and subsequently detain them would be much better used elsewhere- schools maybe. How about failing infrastructure? The amount of bridges on the verge of collapsing in New Jersey alone is way more than the acceptable amount of bridges on the brink of collapsing should be. You could also tax weed like cigarettes, thus bringing in more money to states. The quality of the product is an interesting subject as well.

Long story short- legalize it and the horses are out of the barn, which is cool because horses are animals and animals should be allowed to roam free.

I also didn’t get any money back from taxes this year so tax returns can go suck an egg.

Stoners rejoice, legal weed advances.

Rihanna (3) vs. Sarah Palin (6)

First, let’s imagine the two of these having a conversation.

Second, let’s try again to imagine these two having a conversation.

Third, let’s just say eff it because it’s just one of those things that’s way too hard to imagine. Sadly even imagination has it’s limits.

Rihanna though has no limits. Whereas Sarah Palin has plenty of limits- common sense, a willing audience, that willing audience’s money, etc.

RiRi on the move!

Cats (4) vs. Gas Prices (5)

Over the past couple months, gas prices have dropped quite a bit. Well, unless you’re in California. Sorry California. Enjoy your avocados. But elsewhere, gas has dropped- even getting below $2 a gallon in some areas (mine being one, high five to me.) What do lower gas prices mean? It means you’re not spending as much on gas, which is delightful. Are gas prices really a wild card, though? Um, I would say yes. If only because the possibilities created by lower gas prices are wild card possibilities, meaning anything can happen within the framework of those possibilities. Road trips are more accessible. SUV’s carry less of a stigma. Money saved on gas can be put towards pursuits of fun, as opposed to pursuits of commuting. Do you even realize how much money you spend on gas? I don’t. I just chalk up paying for gas a natural evil and go on with my day. But thanks to lower gas prices, that natural evil is less of a drain. To reiterate- this is cool, these lower gas prices.

As for cats, I’m not a cat person per say, but I can be cool with cats. I’m a cool with cats person. One of the reasons I’m cool with cats is because dude, cats are hilarious. Cats are always up to something, trying to be sneaky, attacking your feet, your socks, your potted plants. Why? Who the hell knows. They’re cats. And while there may be contenders out there- I feel very strongly in saying that cats are the wild cards of the animal kingdom. Easily.

So gas prices are cool and all, but cats have a chance to win this whole damn tournament.

Or as previously stated, be distracted by a reflection and forget this tournament is even happening.

We’ll see!