In day one of the Wildest Wild Card Tournament all of the top four seeds advanced, although Moms on Facebook almost upset Twitter. Will that happen on day two? Uh, maybe? Uh, no? Uh, dude I don’t know, I’m shooting from the hip here. You know, just like a wild card would.
On to day two.
Whiskey (1) vs. Tracy Morgan (8)
Tequila? Jager? That God awful Fireball hell fire? Moon shine? Good ol’ fashion beer? Whiskey beat out all of them to get into this tournament and for good reason. Tequila and Jager? Nothing but trouble. That Fireball shit? The spawn of Satan. Moon shine? That’s a way of life for some people and a wild card shouldn’t be a way of life for anyone. And beer? Beer is just beer. Beer is awesome. Beer is only a wild card in certain situations, but even then…it’s beer, man. Whiskey, though? Whiskey is a dicey proposition- a dance with the devil. Sure you can casually sip on some whiskey, but the danger of whiskey will be there. Whiskey is tried and true ruckus juice. Revolutionaries aren’t sitting around, sipping on cocktails when plotting their extreme measures. You want to get crazy? Drink some whiskey. Throw some back, see where the day goes then night then day again. Things get weird when whiskey is involved.
Speaking of weird and specifically, things getting weird- hey there Tracy Morgan. Although I wonder- I feel like I’m blurring the line between Tracy Morgan and Tracy Jordan, Morgan’s character on 30 Rock. Not sure that even matters though, because it kind of feels like the differences between the two were few and far between. Morgan is definitely a wild man and his stand up is seemingly governed by the air of unpredictability. Actually, his whole career is governed by the air of unpredictability. And I love Tracy Morgan. My sister once encountered Morgan while trying to get in an elevator. He yelled at her and her friends, telling them to stay away, that he’s dangerous. It was both funny and possibly true, which I’m assuming is what could be said about most stories involving Morgan.
But come on…whiskey.
Whiskey is so wonderful Google famous whiskey drinkers and you’re inundated with quotes from legends in all fields extolling the joys of whiskey.
Mark Twain: “Too much of anything is bad, but too much good whiskey is barely enough.”
W.C. Fields: “Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.”
Johnny Carson: “Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.”
Whiskey is the wild card of liquor. And liquor is what fuels most wild cards.
It’s math, man.
North Korea (2) vs. Manny Ramirez (7)
There are definitely some crazy countries out there but North Korea is by far the craziest, thanks in large part to the country’s supreme leader, Kim Jong-un. Actually, should North Korea be in here, or should it be the country’s nut ball leader, the latest in a line of nut ball leaders? No, I’m keeping North Korea in there. If only because unfortunately the two go hand-in-hand. Homeboy is a ruthless and merciless dictator though, and there’s absolutely nothing cool about that. Yeah he’s fun to laugh at from a safe distance, but that’s not really fair to the North Koreans that he’s keeping down and essentially imprisoned. But I mean, the dude is a straight up cartoon character.
Although what’s crazy about that picture is that afterwards he could have that bummed out dude standing next to him fed to pigs because he didn’t find that wonderful display of goo as hilarious as he did. So that’s not cool. It should also be noted the lunacy at the top of North Korea isn’t a new thing. Kim Jung-un’s pops was just as wacko. Here’s three bat shit insane facts about Kim Jung-Il…
Bat Shit Insane Fact One: Kim hoped to solve the famine in his country by breeding giant rabbits
Bat Shit Insane Fact Two: Legend has it that a double rainbow and a glowing new star appeared in the heavens to herald the birth of Kim Jong Il, in 1942, on North Korea’s cherished Baekdu Mountain. Soviet records, however, indicate he was born in the Siberian village of Vyatskoye, in 1941.
Bat Shit Insane Fact Three: Kim really dug eating roast donkey and did so with sterling silver chop sticks.
But again, these guys, Kim Jung-Il and Kim Jung-un, are psychotic assholes who have kept their people in depressing poverty and have governed in a way that makes light of the phrase “incredibly repressive and disgustingly inhumane.” Wild cards might be crazy, but ultimately they are kind of fun to be around. There is nothing fun about North Korea.
But there is everything fun about Manny Ramirez. Well, except for pushing over an elderly locker room attendant during his last few days in Boston. That was kind of a dick move. But hey, sometimes wild cards are kind of dicks.
North Korea’s hopes in this tournament rest on the shoulders of their bestie Dennis Rodman because they’re done.
Manny moves on.
Florida (3) vs. Day Drinking (6)
So what’s crazier- a state whose state motto could be Anything goes…and by anything, we mean anything or an activity that knows no limits, no bounds, no restrictions?
Well there’s Florida- sunshine state, home of Disney, destination of your grand parents. The following things happened in January of 2014 alone…
And one more just for kicks…
Here’s the thing, none of those things are really that surprising because you know going in that each happened in the great state of Florida. So let me ask, has Florida became such a wild card that their wild cardness has become predictable? Put these antics in any other state and they cause a second take. But put them in Florida and it could just be the evening news on a Tuesday. News stories coming out of the Sunshine State have become so entertaining there’s two separate Twitter feeds dedicated to the best & brightest- Florida Woman and Florida Man. But they’re funny in the way you know a joke is coming on a Saturday Night Live skit is going to be funny- it’s been telegraphed.
As for day drinking, the only thing telegraphed when it comes to day drinking is the first hour at best. After that, it’s anyone’s game. Everyone has a good day drinking story. Some of us have a couple. Day drinking could replace baseball as America’s past time and everyone except beat writers and cantankerous old dudes would be pretty okay with it. Of all the activities in this tournament, day drinking might be the biggest wild card of them all. Which leads us to our first questioning of seeding. To which I reply, zip it please and thank you.
Day drinking wins. Florida is just nuts.
Kramer (4) vs Pools (5)
Pools make everything better. Kramer routinely made Seinfeld better. Although that’s simplifying this argument.
Kramer is in this tournament and not already in the Hall of Fame for two reasons. The first is that his legacy lives on thanks to his landmark portrayal of the crazy neighbor. That became almost a must have in every sitcom that followed- sometimes with subtle tweaks like crazy friend, crazy roommate, crazy cousin, etc. But let’s be honest, every character on a sitcom who is “wild,” “unpredictable,” “a little kooky” is inspired by Kramer. Kramer became the template for the sitcom wild card and that’s an impressive feat. The other reason he’s in the tournament is because I watch at least part of an episode of Seinfeld almost everyday thanks to the glory and wonderment of syndication. So Kramer is still very much a part of my life and thus, part of this tournament.
Pools are in the tournament because dude, pools are awesome and pools make everything better. A hotel with a pool? Bonus. A friend with a pool? Sweet. A neighbor with a pool? Dope, especially if they’re not home. Pools can change your day, regardless of the time of year and they are definitely the wild card of house and hotel features.
But they’re trying to beat a legend here and it’s not going to happen.
Pools are sick, Kramer is king.
Kramer continues on.
Advancing: Whiskey, Manny Ramirez, Day Drinking, Kramer
Next Round: Whiskey (1) vs. Kramer (4), Day Drinking (6) vs. Manny Ramirez (7)
Florida graphics: Buzzfeed