Life is weird. One minute you’re the tour manager for Stillwater and the next minute you’re loping off the King Slayer’s king slayin’ hand.
More table-setting in last night’s Game of Thrones. “Walk of Punishment” didn’t feature all of our characters and only inched along a few of the show’s plots. But still, it was a great episode. Let’s see how the plots shake down in our power rankings.
Giddy Up America’s Game of Thrones’ Plot Lines Power Rankings: Week 2*
* I realize last night’s episode was the third one, but I’m counting the first two episodes as one week, making this week 2.
1. Daenerys & Her Dragons
What’s Daenerys up too? Come on, one dragon for 8,000 brain-washed eunuchs? I’m not sure where that would be a good deal, let alone a backwards ass place like Westeros. You’d think one dragon would at least get you a ship or a couple cannons as well. I’m banking on her having a trick or two up her sleeves, even though she doesn’t really have sleeves as she’s more of a tank top gal That’s not the point and not something that’s going to stop her. Remember, this is a gal who walked into a burning fire feeling totally okay with it because of a dream she had. D is working on some next level shit. Let’s just accept it and wait for what’s going to happen next.
2. Jon Snow’s Adventures Beyond the Wall
Decorative horse heads in the snow can only mean one thing- time to attack the wall! Now I would have thought decorative horse heads would have meant something else. Something like, we need to get new horses. But that’s why I’m not leading an army of bearded wild men and Mance Rayder is. Time for Jon Snow to test out either his spy skills or his dying skills because he’s going along for the ride.
Come on, don’t get down Jon Snow…
…it’ll be okay eventually. In the meantime, just think happy thoughts & remember the good times.
That was fun. Now buck up, buddy. It’s too cold to look so sad.
3. The Night’s Watch Adventures Beyond the Wall
Yuck. Yuck. Double yuck. Jon’s ex-homies are back at the house of The Creepiest Dude in the Whole World. Gilly gave birth to a little boy. The Night’s Watch look beat to shit. Sam’s called fat. And literally nothing good can come from hanging out with The Creepiest Dude in the Whole World.
It’s a fact.
4. Tyrion’s Second Act
This is probably one of my favorite scenes the show has done.
It also shows that our man Tyrion is back. Dad gave him a stern talking to, shut down his goal to be made King Shit of Lannisport and like a true stud, home boy is moving on. And he’s got a new job now too. That’s fun. He’s the money man. That’s not fun. He has responsibility and power. That’s fun. He sees the Realm is broke and owes the Game of Thrones equivalent of China an arm, a leg and whatever we determine the going rate for a dragon is. That’s not fun. Not at all. Well, at least he gets to hang out with Bronn. That’s a bonus. And he’s straight with Pod now. Pod saved his life. He got Pod hookers.
Winning all around!
5. The Odd Couple- Brienne & Jaime
Well this one took a turn. It also took a hand. Last week these two love birds were headed for King’s Landing. Now? Well they’ll either be roadies for Stillwater (not a bad gig,) surrendered to Robb for a ransom or killed in the next week or so. It can literally go either one of those ways and neither would surprise me.
6. The King of the North’s Honeymoon
This one jumped from 9 to 6 in our Power Rankings, but don’t get too cocky Robb. That’s partially attributed to a lack of competition, which is ironic because Robb is currently fighting a lack of direction. Hey yo! Now he’s in the Riverlands at his grandfather’s funeral and learning that his uncle is an idiot who elected to snag a mill as opposed to The Mountain. Robb, get your act together! Are you going after Joffrey or not? Are you heading back north to see if your little bro’s are alive or dead or not? Are you going to let your moppy mother go or not? Make a decision dude. Soon.
7. As King’s Landing Turns
Not a heck of a lot doing in the nation’s capital. The only big news is that Littlefinger is apparently headed to the Vale to marry Lysa Arynn- remember her, the lady who continues to breast-feed her son even though he’s eight or nine? Littlefinger’s change in scenery is what leads to Tyrion being named the Master of Coin. Other than that, not much to report.
8. A Stark in the Woods- Part One: Arya
Arya is going…somewhere. I’m not sure where. But Hot Pie isn’t coming. He’s baking bread shaped like wolves, which is cute. Arya can’t stay on the run forever can she? That loaf of bread didn’t really look like a wolf did it? It kind of looked like an animal cracker version of a wolf. My man Hot Pie is ahead of his time.
9. Stannis “The B Stand for Plan B” Baratheon
“My enemies are laughing at me!” Oh yeah, Stannis? Well the audience is bored with you.
10. So…who’s torturing Theon?
No clue. But he’s on the run and narrowly escaping getting hood winked in his caboose. Can he and Stannis hang out somewhere and just send a raven when they’re up to something interesting? Please?
11. A Stark in the Woods- Part Two: Bran & Rickon
Too busy seeing through the eyes of wolves and ravens this week. Check back next week.
12. A Stark in King’s Landing: Sansa
Too busy avoiding Lannisters, questions about Lannisters and really anything involving Lannisters. Check back next week.