Son, you don’t shit where you eat.
You know what that is? That’s a super old saying that will be applicable to the end of time. Why? Because it’s true. You don’t shit where you eat. Read into it anyway you want and the message is clear- it’s best to keep things that are messy far way from the things in your life you don’t want messed up. You know, things like affairs. Affairs are messy. Marital bliss is not messy.
I defer to Larry David and Richard Lewis to elaborate.
See? It’s pretty simple.
It should be.
For Don Draper and Petey Sideburns Campbell it’s not.
In this week’s episode of Mad Men, “The Collaborators” those two gentlemen didn’t just exhibit acts of stupidity, but possibly redefined it. Don’s schtupping the lady down stairs who is married to the one guy Don genuinely seems interested in being friends with and Pete…oh Pete. You give sideburns a bad name, my friend.
Sadly, Don and Pete weren’t the only two men on Mad Men acting stupidly this week. Dudes being stupid was such a constant occurrence this week, it requires it’s own Scale of Stupidity.
Giddy Up America’s Mad Men Scale of Stupidity
- Even stupid thinks you’re stupid
- Toilet water is not for drinking
- Stop looking, they don’t deliver mail on Sundays
- Really? I mean, really?
- I’ll let this one slide, but a good chunk of me feels like I shouldn’t
So let’s see who scored what.
Level of Stupidity: 1
Yes Don, you are that stupid. Now I fully realize that for Don Draper, his current affair ain’t his first rodeo. I’ve actually lost track of how many rodeos of infidelity he’s been involved with. Google, how many women has Don slept with? Cool, this many. But Don’s current affair is something new for him, new in terms of risk of being caught and proximity to home. This even beats Sally’s teacher and at the time I thought that was a doozy. This new gal Sylvia lives RIGHT DOWNSTAIRS from Don and Megan’s apartment. Hold on, let me repeat that- RIGHT DOWNSTAIRS. She’s not even two floors down. She’s one floor down. Hey Don, remember when Pete hooked up with the German au Pair? Remember when her boss, Pete’s neighbor found out? And do you remember what the neighbor told Pete? You probably don’t, so let me paraphrase- keep it outside the building. What are you doing? Keeping it inside the building. It’s dumb, it’s lazy, it’s risky as hell. You’re going to get caught, Don. You are. And Megan? She’s not going to be nearly the cool customer Trudy was (stand by on that one.) Megan looks like a thrower. She’s going to break things. Possibly you.
Level of Stupidity: 1
Don Pete, you are that stupid. Pete should actually get an award for stupidity for what he pulled off this week. Let me bring you up to speed.
So at the end of last season Pete is able to convince Trudy into letting him get an apartment in the city- you know, for “work reasons” because poor sideburns “works late” and the commute “is killing him.” So Pete has his bachelor pad in the city and he’s free to hoodwink young ladies as much as he wants without the wife knowing. To a skeevy dude like Pete Campbell, this is a pretty money scenario. But then what does he do? He brings a lady from the ‘burbs, the same ‘burbs where he and his wife live, from the same block where he and his wife live, down to the big city for some scandalous love-havin’. Pete went and brought beers to a bar having a killer happy hour special. Worlds collided! He brought Six Flags to Disney World. He crossed the streams.
Here’s the thing with Pete. He didn’t just shit where he eats. No. Pete shat where he could shit, but he shat something from where he eats. Confusing? It isn’t. Pete’s an idiot. Pete’s always been an idiot. Now Pete’s a dude with no toilet paper, no wife and no side hustle.
Pete Campbell, Advanced Doctorate in the Arts of Stupidity.
Level of Stupidity: 5
Stan, you’re getting a mulligan here. Why? Because I like you. You seem like a good dude and you have an awesome beard. But come on man, you can’t be spilling office gossip to Peggy. Peggy works for one of SCDP’s main rivals now. You just can’t do that, buddy. Be smart. You’re better than that. I’m not saying Stan and Peggy can’t be besties anymore. Bestie away! But Stan, keep the office gossip to yourself.
Level of Stupidity: 4
Here’s another old-timey saying- don’t count your chickens before they hatch. Or in Kenny Cosgrove’s case, don’t strut around the office telling everyone that you bagged ketchup when all you did was eat more beans. Baked beans. Me personally? I’m not a fan. They look like poop. But that poop is all Ken has now, especially because Stan the Man spilled the…uh…ketchup to Peggy about the whole thing and now her shop is going to gobble ketchup up in a hot minute. You biffed it Kenny.
Herb Rennet (you know, the ass clown from Jaguar)
Level of Stupidity: 3
In case you forgot, Herb is the low life son of a biscuit who made SDCP this sweet heart offer: a night with Joan for Jaguar’s business. It was gross then, it’s gross now. Unfortunately this isn’t a dirty dude contest, it’s a measure of stupidity. But hey yo, ol’ Herb is all set there, thanks to his idea to have SDCP scale back Jaguar’s national campaign in favor of a local one that will benefit him. First off Herb, it sounds like you should be running a used car lot and not a premiere dealership like Jaguar. Second, Jaguar is a luxury whip. You think someone is going to be driving around, hear an ad for your Jaguar dealership and on the spot, think to themselves, I need me one of those. No dude. People do that with milkshakes, not Jaguar. Can this be the last with see of Herb? He gives me nightmares.