Much like Karl Rove, when quarter after eleven rolled around Tuesday night and Brian “Factually Witty” Williams called the 2012 Presidential Election for Barack Obama, I didn’t believe it. I was settled in for the long haul and had boldly predicted to Michelle, the nice lady who cuts my hair, that we’d probably have to vote again and that this thing wouldn’t be settled until next week.
I was wrong. She’s not going to believe a word I say anymore.
Since then we’ve been told that as a country we’ve learned a lot from the results of Tuesday’s election and that a lot of questions have been answered and subsequently raised. We’ve learned that America isn’t as pasty white as it used to be and that people tend not to forget when a politician makes regrettable and misinformed statements about rape. We learned that basketball is cooler than horseback riding and Sarah Palin is experimenting with 80’s style hair styles.
But what didn’t we learn? What questions weren’t answered?
Are burritos good for you?
Why are crossword puzzles so hard?
Who actually watches CBS, America’s “most watched network?”
What will Brian Williams’ first tweet be?
Will Don Draper eventually like the Beatles?
Shouldn’t razor blades be cheaper? At least at Wal Mart?
Did Chris Christie reschedule Halloween just so he could dress up as a Ghost Buster and go trick or treating?
Why can’t Taylor Swift find love?
How do you spell acoustic?
Why does Carrie Mathison cry so much?
Why is cereal so expensive?
How come you can never get out of a gym membership?
Does Donald Trump tweet on his phone, a lap top or a desk top computer?
Why can’t I wear sweatpants in public but rappers can?
Isn’t fantasy football supposed to be fun?
How come no one has invented an energy drink that comes in “water” flavor?
Why do antique stores smell so funny?
Why can’t shit be considered not a swear word anymore?
How come no one on TV says goodbye when they’re on the phone?
Are Applebee’s and Ruby Tuesday’s the same restaurant?
Why can’t I cancel airplane tickets for free? Or at all?
Does Heidi Klum ever look in the mirror and say to herself “Holy smokes I’m hot?”
Why does milk always smell like it has gone bad?
How come there are no alternative rock radio stations in the greater New York City area?
Why is tucking in a shirt such a pain the ass?
Why do hiccups exist?
Were Cave Men and Women ever considered about their weight?
Why didn’t Rose and Jack try one more time to get Jack up on that door at the end of Titantic?
Why is cable cheaper if I get a land line?
I guess we’ll just have to wait until 2014 and the next round of national elections for these questions to be answered.
In the meantime, very stoked Obama won, gay marriage is legal in Maine and weed is legal in Colorado and Washington. It’s time to move forward and Tuesday was a good place to start.
But really, why are razor blades so flippin’ expensive?