Ah yes, good news at last. It’s almost time for the return of The Bachelorette. Perfect timing. No really, perfect effin’ timing. The weather has been kind of a bummer here on the east coast, I think there might be something to this whole Russia thing, a lot of good shows are either ending a season or ending the series all together and there is literally a week in between NBA Playoff Games.
Good Lord. We need this.
Of course the caveat here is that the show doesn’t actually begin until May 28th, which in Trump’s America is three and a half months from now. So we have to bide our time before we begin out ride with Becca and see if she finds love and successfully navigates the gaggle of dudes vying for love (and attention…of the camera.) And you remember Becca, right? The lovely lady from Minnesota who for a hot minute was the last woman standing on the most recent season of The Bachelor until Arie had a change of heart and doubled back around towards the sweet, waiting embrace of Lauren. There’s a good chance that Arie is still lingering around that spacious AirBnB where their break-up took place. Come on. What else is going to do? Go back to Scottsdale?
But now it’s Becca’s time to shine and we are most definitely here for it. Becca was a late bloomer during Arie’s season, but by the time the dust had settled, was a consensus fan favorite. Her squad was a winner too and you have to imagine they’ll be involved this season as well.
There will be time to gush over Becca and the gals later. On Thursday ABC rolled out this season’s dudes, a weird amount of whom are from or are living in Florida. Let’s hand out some awards, shall we?
Most Likely to Be the One to Have His Dreams Crushed By the Sad Cruelty of Life: Chris
ABC
Chris seems like a fine fella. One of thousands of native New Yorkers who have traded in the harsh winters and endless sound of horns honking for the peaceful tranquility of Orlando, Florida. Wait? Orlando? People actually live there? Sorry, to clarify, people who don’t work at Disney actually live there? Wow. Learn something new everyday.
Chris is a sales trainer. Cool. So Chris is a 30 year old sales trainer who lives in Orlando, Florida. Fine. Chris is a 30 year old sales trainer who lives in Orlando, Florida who is determined to retire by the time he is 40.
Chris, my man, that’s in like ten years bro. I’m not sure how much you are making as a sales trainer. Nor do I know what kind of life you envision for yourself in retirement, but I would have to think that something is going to have to change for you in the next year or so to make your dream of retiring at 40 happen. Unless your dream of retiring is to become a homeless person. I suppose if that’s the case, giddy up.
Maybe don’t tell Becca that, though.
Most Likely to Turn Every Trash Can in the House into a Basketball Hoop: Christon
ABC
Hey, this dude used to be a Harlem Globetrotter. That’s pretty cool. Of course now he’s a “professional dunker” in LA. That’s a thing? Christon, are you and Chris both going to be homeless in ten years?
Most Likely to Show Up Wearing a Super Bowl Ring: Clay
ABC
As in Clay Harbor, a former tight end in the NFL, who won a Super Bowl with my beloved New England Patriots in 2016. I’m going to be honest, this name does not ring a bell for me. I mean, maybe it gets a slight ding, but nothing that will get anyone’s attention to let them know that dinner is served.
Most Likely to Better Freakin’ Show Up with a Loaf of Banana Bread: John
ABC
John, a “start-up success story” says that when he’s not banging things out in “the hustle and bustle of Silicon Valley,” one of the things he does is make not just any old banana bread, but his “world famous banana bread.”
A couple things here, John. First, don’t describe it as “world famous.” Just say it’s really good. That’ll sell it better. I’m on the verge of mocking you right now mainly because you pitched your banana bread as “world famous” and that’s obviously not true. What could be true is that it’s really good. Sorry, I’m kind of a stickler when it comes to stuff like that. Also, my parents make some pretty good banana bread and while that doesn’t really mean all that much, I felt it was worth noting.
Okay, now here’s the thing, buddy. You have to show up with a loaf of this bread when you meet Becca. If you don’t, then I’m going to assume your whole life is a lie. Why would someone who allegedly makes “world famous banana bread” not come with a loaf when meeting someone like Becca. Becca demands your A Game and by all accounts, your A Game is this banana bread, John. Don’t blow this.
(John will probably blow this.)
Most Likely to Size Up the Height of a Balcony and Then Comment on Easy it Would Be to Jump Off of: Leo
ABC
The professional stuntmen of course! How has there never been a professional stuntman on this show before? Has there been? Whatever. I’m not looking that up.
Leo should roll up in a limo that’s on fire and then he has to jump out JUST AT THE LAST MINUTE. And then, because he’s also apparently in construction, quickly build Becca a nice flower box and then trade hair-grooming tips. You do that Leo and you sir, are all but a lock to maybe not go home the first night.
No promises though.
Most Likely to Mention That He Was Also in the NFL Every Time Clay Mentions It: Colton
ABC
This dude says he was a professional football player until he was forced to retire because of injury. Oh really, Colton?
Oh really?
You didn’t retire because maybe you were signed as an undrafted free agent in 2014 by the Chargers, waived a few months later, signed by the Eagles and put on the practice squad, released from that also a few months later, returned to the Chargers and placed on the practice squad, then waived at the start of the 2015 season, was picked up a few months later by the Raiders and then released by the Raiders during the preseason before the 2016 season.
That’s not why you retired, Colton?
On a side note, our boy Colton’s ex-girlfriend is Olympian Aly Raisman, which is, I don’t know, something.
Most Likely to MUST Look Better in Person Than He Does in His Bio Photo: Trent
ABC
Why? Because this dude Trent is out there saying he is a model. Yeah, really. He looks like the somewhat normal dude in the IT department.
Most Likely to Be This Season’s Medical Sales Rep: Garrett
ABC
Sorry, there has to be one every season. That’s the rules guys.
Most Likely to Grow Tired of Your ‘Sex Panther’ Jokes: Jean Blanc
ABC
Jean Blanc’s bio is a heavy hitter.
Moved here from Haiti when he was two, went to Duke, has a master’s in business administration, worked in Memphis as an engineer and now lives (obviously) in Florida where he works in finance. That right there is a LinkedIn page.
Of course what is noteworthy here is his “very impressive cologne collection.”
So now let’s say Jean Blanc makes it past the first night and when it’s time to move in to the mansion, he pulls out what, like twenty different colognes, just a snippet of his actual collection. You think all the other nun-chucks he’s living with aren’t going to be falling over themselves to quote Anchorman?
And you think Jean Blanc hasn’t heard all of that before?
Could this be our first time on The Bachelorette where violence ensues because of something related to Anchorman? I’d say it’s at least a possibility.
I’d also say that I for one don’t really see the reason for having a cologne collection, let alone an “impressive” collection of various colognes. Maybe I’m a simple man, but don’t you really only need one? Why would you need anymore? Do certain situations require different smells? Like, if you’re going on a lunch date, does that call for a different cologne than if you were going on a dinner date or going on a date where you are meeting someone for drinks?
I clearly have a lot to learn in this department.
Most Likely to Possibly Be the Worst Person in the World: Nick
ABC
Here, look for yourself.
“Nick is a fun-loving attorney with a zest for life. When he’s not winning trials, you can catch him in his signature tracksuits being the life of the party. Nick is a self-proclaimed “weekend warrior” who loves brunches, barbeques and the beach.”
I just can’t decide what part of that bio I hate the most. How much do you want to bet that Nick fist bumps his clients every time he wins a trial?
Categories: Television
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