Okay, full disclosure. I did not watch the Women Tell All Sunday night. I was watching the Olympics’ Closing Ceremony because I’m a sucker for pageantry, pomp, circumstance, 13 year old kids shredding the shit out of a guitar and as of roughly 9pm eastern time, K-Pop.
However, I have managed to catch up on what I missed thanks to the Internet and I have to say that I am very intrigued and very interested in what I missed.
Arie did something. I don’t know what that something is, but he did it and my girl Caroline is NOT HAVING IT.
“This whole time, you’ve said that you are here because you are trying to find a wife,” a clearly emotional Caroline Lunny said during the Women Tell All reunion. “I know what you did, and I don’t know how you could do that. I just really don’t understand. But I really hope you found what you’re looking for.”
But wait, what did Arie do?
“I definitely had some things to say to Arie,” she said. “I needed to say what I said. When somebody burns somebody you love, you want to have that moment where you get the last word in,” she continued. “It was nice to have that moment and say ‘Fuck y—,’ a little bit. Not many people get that moment, and I’m really grateful that I kind of had it.”
“It’s funny because it was never about me and Arie,” she clarified. “It was always about these girls. We became friends. My relationship with Arie didn’t develop as fast as anyone else’s. There were times when I really cared about him. When I left I said, ‘No hard feelings, I think you’re a really great guy and you’re lucky you have really great girls in there. I wish you nothing but the best and I really hope you find her.’ ”
Again, not much to work from here.
So unless we want to dive into spoilers, all that we’re left to do is speculate. Yes, speculating is dangerous business. It’s like assumptions, but somehow worst. I assume you’re up to no good, but I venture to speculate what kind of no good business you’re up to. It’s the difference between grasping at straws and picking out which straw is the one that is going to make you look like an ass by routinely floating away from you. It’s an issue of intent.
With that being said, let’s speculate.
Right off the bat, I’m speculating that Arie killed someone. Harsh, I know. Unlikely? Probably. He’d be locked in jail if he killed someone. Well, unless he was granted this brief release from jail to appear on Women Tell All, which seems like a stretch. But he is also a rich white dude, so it’s not like it’s completely out of the question. You can’t tell me that at no point during this current season did you at least entertain the thought that Arie at least acts like a serial killer. He seems really clean. He doesn’t talk a lot. He’s kind of mysterious, but in a sketchy way. He keeps talking about being someone who goes to bed early and rarely do people who actually go to bed early talk about this a lot. Instead he talks about it in the way that someone would be talking about it so as to provide an alibi if they needed one.
Oh me, there’s no way I could have murdered that person. It happened around midnight. I’m someone who goes to bed early. Ask any of the multiple women I recently dated simultaneously. They can tell you.
But again, if he did murder someone, it seems unlikely he’d be out and about, especially because according to reports, when Caroline brought it up, the other women were shocked that she had brought up, meaning that they too know about whatever it is he did. Do all these women know he killed someone, but not law enforcement? Doesn’t that make them accomplices? Were they concerned for their own safety, the safety of their love ones? Is this like in the fourth episode of the Versace show, were David goes along with Andrew because he’s worried Andrew might kill someone else if he doesn’t? Also, shouldn’t that show be called The Assassin of Gianni Versace instead of The Assassination of Gianni Versace? I realize it’s about the overall act, but at this point it seems like it’s a lot more about this Andrew fella. Just saying.
Either way, I think we can rule out murder.
So what is it then?
“I needed to say what I said. When somebody burns somebody you love, you want to have that moment where you get the last word in.”
This is probably about Becca, the normal one, not the young one. She seemed pretty close with Caroline before Caroline was sent home. And look…
Pictures of them on Instagram. You know what that means, right? Yeah. BEST FRIENDS.
So whatever happened, happened to Becca. This is a lock. Plus Lauren is probably the winner and she’s like, whatever. Or maybe she isn’t the winner. Maybe this is all barreling towards a conclusion where Arie walks away having proposed to neither of the remaining women. Maybe he led Becca along, made her think she was going to be the winner then left her in a cloud of dust…literally, because he’s a race car driver in case you forgot and that would be super symbolic of him realizing his true love is racing, not Becca or Lauren or any of the other women he ditched along the way.
That’s not super traumatic, though. It’s not all that different from what has gone done in past seasons.
According to Chris Harrison, this season features a conclusion that is the “most dramatic ever” and if you read that and shrugged because Harrison says that about everything, co-showrunner Bennett Graebner revealed that the finale “will be something people haven’t seen before.”
NO! We already decided it wasn’t murder.
So what is it then?
Dude, that’s not helping.
Let’s take a moment and at least give some air time to the idea that Caroline could be just blowing “it” out of proportion in order to get some air time and then some life after the show. She did go home relatively early and even though she’s an entertaining presence on Instagram, she might have needed to recharge that limelight in order to get some of those coveted endorsements Bach-alums are looking to snag. We do usually see a woman or two look to re-make a name for herself on Women Tell All, although in all fairness to Caroline it’s usually someone who went home on night one and whenever they start talking you need to take a minute or two in order to remember who they are. This wasn’t the case with Caroline. She was somewhat of a fan favorite and had made an impression on America at least before being sent home.
As far as looking to grab some attention, I’m not buying it. I’m also biased. I’m in the tank for Caroline. We’re New Englanders. It’s in our contract.
So what happened? We’ve ruled out murder. We’ve at least somewhat agreed that whatever happened, happened to Becca. But that’s it.
Lightning round of speculation! Let’s go.
- Arie told Becca she was going to be the one, but then he bailed and picked Lauren
- Arie told Becca he loved her, but then picked Lauren
- Arie told Becca that the Vikings should have lost to the Saints and got lucky
- Arie told Becca that he was going to pick her then when it was go time, had a change of heart
- Arie told Becca he loved her just to engage in sexual relations with her in the fantasy suite
- Arie told Becca that Minnesota accents are annoying
- Arie made fun of Becca’s family
- Arie told Becca he loved her, but didn’t mean it, then told Lauren that he told Becca that and Lauren told someone else about it who then told Caroline
- Arie admitted to a producer that he got confused and meant to sent Becca home instead of BeKAH
- Arie is a murderer
- Arie’s whole life is a lie and Becca found out he actually never won a race
Lightning round of speculation is now complete. We any closer to cracking this thing?
Well, let’s look at this way.
The Olympics are over. We have some time to kill now. Time to focus on things like the Versace show and the NBA and whatever nonsense is going on with Trump now and the last few episodes of Top Chef. Let’s just embrace this and go along for the ride. According to Caroline’s tweet, we’ll know some more tonight and even more next week. That’s not a long time to wait. We can do this. We just need to be patient.
Also, Arie totally might be a murderer. I’m not ruling this out.