Chloe Kim 1, ‘The Bachelor’ 0

Monday night’s episode of ‘The Bachelor’ couldn’t compete with the snowboarding of Chloe Kim

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Call me crazy, but shouldn’t The Bachelor have taken some time off, stepped aside for the Winter Olympics, and in the end, let us gladly enjoy both without any traces of guilt or ill will? Obviously they’d never do this and perhaps this isn’t as much of a bummer in other houses around the country, but whatever. I for one think that everyone should go with reruns during the two weeks that the Olympics are on. Chalk it up as patriotism.

Really this goes for any TV show airing over these next two weeks, not just The Bachelor. That Versace show? Totally on hold for the time being. If we get a slow night than maybe Top Chef or Waco sneaks in. Same goes for 2 Dope Queens. But the Winter Olympics are awesome and if they’re on, then that’s what I want to watch, regardless of how involved I may be in shows that were already on. The Olympics are like a friend visiting from out of town, whereas your regular shows are your friends you see on a regular basis. You totally still love your regular basis friends, but when your out of town friend comes to visit, they are a priority.

I was particularly struck by how little I cared about television that wasn’t the Olympics on Monday night while watching The Bachelor. Dude, Chloe Kim had just made the Olympic halfpipe the ice cream flavor of her dreams and now I’m supposed to tune in to hear the boring race car driver describe Tuscany as amazing and the perfect place to fall in love? Please.

Image result for chloe kim gifBut hold the phone. I thought Tahoe (the other Tahoe) was the perfect place to fall in love, dude? I thought Fort Lauderdale was the perfect place to fall in love? I thought Paris was the perfect place to fall in love? You sir are cheapening the experience of falling in love in locales tailored made for falling in love. And if we are really picking nits here, it’s obvious that Paris and Tuscany are perfect places to fall in love. However, no one believed you when you said that about Fort Lauderdale. Not even people from Fort Lauderdale. They, like everyone else, probably assumed you meant Miami, then wondered why you weren’t in Miami, then figured ABC slashed the show’s budget because you’re super boring and then realized that oh, they were saving up for this sweet European trip.

It all makes sense eventually I guess.

That kind of clarity was on display early on when Jacqueline, the latest gal who is clearly way too good for the boring race car driver, realized that there was no way she could take him home to meet her parents and that it was time to pull the plug on this sucker. This too made sense. They just had their first date last week and now she’s bringing the boring race car driver home under the auspice that this is the dude she wants to marry. We don’t know much about Jacqueline, but we do know she’s smart. She seems like the kind of smart that comes from smart parents. She probably did the math and realized that walking away was the best move for her. And in the end, her killing of her relationship with the boring race car driver was essentially a mercy killing. Everyone involved benefited from it. It was for the best.

The Normal Becca had the first date. If you think Becca will eventually win this thing, this date only made you more confident in your pick. If you think she won’t win, it’s because you think the Surviving Lauren will. And if that’s the case, the Surviving Lauren’s date, which was next up, was a little harder to read. Why? Because the Surviving Lauren is a little hard to read. People who rarely string a sentence together with more than ten words usually are.

The Normal Becca’s date was fine. The boring race car driver said some stuff about them starting strong, but now it feels as if they have drifted apart. This could be due in no small part to the fact that he’s gone on multiple dates with other women since that first date, when things started strong. Actually, that could totally be it. Either way, it’s nothing a few make out sessions in photogenic locations can’t solve. The Normal Becca moves on and no in surprised.

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Yes way, Chloe Kim. Yes way.

The Surviving Lauren is going to move on too. Something that is also not surprising. It’s as inevitable as every episode this season featuring at least one scene of the boring race car driver driving a car. Did you know he was a race car driver? It’s true. YOU CAN NEVER FORGET THIS FACT. IT’S THE ONLY ONE THAT MATTERS.

The Surviving Lauren also just got a one-on-one in Paris. That’s two in a row. That’s a little eye-brow raising if you’re the audience and a little hate-inspiring if you are one of the other ladies not named The Normal Becca. BeKAH in particular is a little put out by this. She’s too young to have learned the harsh reality of life that is the simple fact that life isn’t fair. Give it time, though. She’ll learn soon enough.

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If you thought that this super boring couple with an apparent limited vocabulary’s date in Paris was boring, the one where they just walked around, making boring comments about their surroundings, than you must have been pumped when their date in Tuscany featured, wait for it…them just walking around, making boring comments about their surroundings. Someone involved with this show isn’t even trying anymore. They sit and talk, walk and talk, play soccer with local youths and talk. Good God.

Hold on, I have to bring something up. I have only been to Europe once. I went to Greece. It was fantastic. This happened a long time ago. But if memory serves correct, I think I kicked a soccer ball around with a handful of Greek youths at one point. Now having watched The Bachelor and The Bachelorette for a couple years now, I know full well that engaging with young locals in the act of sport is a Bachelor Nation favorite. So I guess what I’m wondering is A) should I be the next Bachelor because I have experience doing sports with the locals and B) is this something that really happens or in my case, was I just a stereotypical, ridiculous American tourist and in the case of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, is the show really just the television equivalent of a stereotypical, ridiculous American tourist?

Tough one.

Speaking of tough ones! So our girl, the newly christened Lauren the Silent, decided to open up some to the boring race car driver and she said some words that I don’t remember. I’m assuming “open up” was two of them. Did she say she was falling in love with him? I think she did. Who cares? It’s all pretend anyway. But either way, after she did (I’m pretty sure she did,) the boring race car driver was shook. It seemed as if he was getting ready to send her home. You could see it coming in his cold, dead eyes. However, with this new, startling development, the boring race car driver needed a minute to collect himself…or he needed a minute to relieve himself. Jury is still out on that one.

I’d say that whatever he needed to do, not a great sign for Lauren the Silent. She finally opens up to this dude and his reaction is to excuse himself and walk away for a few moments. Of all the reactions you could get after telling someone that you love them or are falling in love with them or however it’s phrased, there are worst reactions you can get, but not many.

But when he came back, guess what? Everything was all good everyone! He dropped news that he had to step away because he was in fact shook because dude, he like, totally is falling in love with her too. This I’ll admit was a little surprising, but hey, whatever. Lauren the Silent gets the rose and we’re going to wherever the heck she’s from next week. Can’t wait.

Okay, so now I have to be honest with you. It was at this point that I called it quits and went to bed. I started the episode after the ladies halfpipe was over and this episode was so flipping dull that by the time Lauren’s date was over it was a race between my dog and I to see who was going to fall asleep on the couch first.

However, I did do a little Internet research, so I know how the rest of the episode played out. I can’t say I’m super surprised. The Bachelor has gotten very fast and loose with their pre-commercial previews. I didn’t need to read much to know that this was probably it for BeKAH because Tia had finally decide to throw the hammer down and bring the age thing up directly to the boring race car driver. Why had no one done that yet? I would have bet the farm that ever since he learned about her age, the boring race car driver couldn’t get that out of his mind. He definitely tried, but that shit was nagging at him. And as with most things that are beating you up inside, once someone cracks a hole in the wall keeping it inside, it all eventually comes tumbling out.

You had a good run BeKAH

According to reports, BeKAH didn’t take the break-up well. She said something about being misunderstood. Great. I love hearing young people talk about being misunderstood. It’s fantastic. Right up there with voluntarily banging your head against the wall or listening to the new Justin Timberlake album. Either way, BeKAH will be fine. Someone will find a place for her on television and her worst case scenario is she gets on Bachelor in Paradise next summer, steals the show and owns the summer of 2018. Not a bad spot for young BeKAH if you ask me.

Oh and then Sienne got sent home. Again, not surprising and not a loss for Sienne.

Kendall, The Normal Becca, Lauren the Silent and Tia get hometown dates.

  1. Man, Chloe absolutely STOMPED the competition!!! 🇺🇸

    Reply

  2. A. Don’t mess with the Bachelor – it’s my only excuse to drink on Monday nights (jk lol). B. I love this line: “And as with most things that are beating you up inside, once someone cracks a hole in the wall keeping it inside, it all eventually comes tumbling out.” C. Chloe Kim, Shaun White, all the other amazing winter athletes that are brave enough to tackle a freezing cold winter sport: a-ma-zing. *insert dramatic two arms in the air bow*

    Reply

    1. Ha, thanks for reading.

      Reply

      1. It was a fun read. Thank YOU.

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