The Last Thing We Need is an Ed Sheeran Biopic

There’s a lot of bad ideas out there. More specifically, there are a lot of bad ideas out there when it comes to movies. Like for crying out loud, how many Transformers movies do we really need? Are they making another one at this very moment? Who the hell knows? Probably.

The latest example of a truly bad, absolutely God awful idea for a movie comes from pop music hobbit Ed Sheeran, who in a recent interview said he’s working on a biopic. In his mind he sees it as 8 Mile meets Notting Hill. 8 Mile? Like the Eminem movie? That 8 Mile?

“I want to have an 8 Mile moment but 8 Mile meets Notting Hill,” he told Q.

What the…I mean…like, this Notting Hill?

How the…like…and then…combined somehow with 8 Mile, specifically the end scene?

Listen, I’m not an Ed Sheeran fan. Not even a little. I have beef with Ed Sheeran. Of course I liked “Shape of You” because it’s catchy as hell, but now I refuse to listen to it…OUT OF SPITE. I also bet it doesn’t sound like anything else on his album and it was the first single and I hate when people do that. The first single should be indicative of the sound of the album. You sleep on a bed of lies, Ed Sheeran. And you sleep on that bed with some of Taylor Swift’s friends and none of that makes things better. You can’t even talk about that without sounding obnoxious.

“I was this 22-year-old awkward British kid going on tour with the biggest artist in America, who has all these famous mates. It was very easy. … I would often find myself in situations just kind of waking up and looking over and being like, ‘How the fuck did that happen?’”

Ha, ha, ha…I’m being like ‘how the eff did that happen too?’ Oh yeah, alcohol is a wicked devil vixen like that.

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Sheeran prepping for his “8 Mile moment”

Back to this movie nonsense. First off, Sheeran is 26. Shouldn’t you be at least 30 to have a biopic made about you and if you’re younger than that, shouldn’t you be dead? What happened to us creating some distance between ourselves and the history we are looking to memorialize? I don’t know if Ginger Ed has a fascinating life story or not, but shouldn’t we allow it to become more of a life before we tell the story of it?

Secondly, stop rapping Ed Sheeran! Stop the shit right now. Stop entertaining the idea of rapping. I’m all for white dudes and white gals rapping, but I draw the line at Lord of the Rings extras trying to spit bars. “An 8 Mile moment” Ed? What? Are you going to have a busker battle on the mean streets of Ipswich? The winner gets a few extra schillings in their case and a free pint from a pub? Good God. There was more to the “8 Mile moment” in 8 Mile than Eminem rapping and looking cool. And even if there wasn’t, it did look super cool? Why? Because rapping, specifically good rapping, is super cool. It’s significantly more cool than an elf strumming Dave Matthews rip offs on the quaint streets of England.

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There’s no way to make this cool

This is a bad idea. This is a terrible idea. This should stop.

This will make millions of dollars.

 

 

 

 

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