Hey America, I know things are a little tense right now, a little rocky. But guess what? There’s good news on the horizon.
The Bachelorette starts on Monday!
And this season is a big one, America. Our Bachelorette, she’s…how do I say this…she’s like not like the others and…she’s kind of…uh…SHE’S BLACK YO! Sorry. I got excited. But this is exciting. Bachelor Nation has been an ice cream truck stocked only with vanilla ice cream for years and finally we get a little diversity.
Let’s be honest, it’s 2017. This shouldn’t be a big deal. But unfortunately it is, so let’s celebrate accordingly.
There it is.
On Thursday this season’s cast was officially announced. If you know where to look, these dudes have been out there for a minute. You can check out this week’s episode of the Differing Opinions on Drake podcast, which features a more comprehensive breakdown of this season. There’s even stats. Spoiler: four models (in one form or the other,) two lawyers and two dudes who have been on another reality show.
But now it’s official. And on top of that, we get fun anecdotes like this one from Iggy:
What are your 3 best attributes? Passionate, loyal, witty
What are your 3 worst attributes? Passionate, loyal, witty
Let’s be honest, in a job interview, when asked what his greatest strength and his greatest weakness are, our boy Iggy definitely answers well, to be honest, I’d like to think my biggest strength is also my biggest weakness and that frankly, it’s that I care too much.
I already hate Iggy.
But I love superlatives! Let’s hand some out.
Most Likely to Say Something Dumb That Makes Rachel Roll Her Eyes: Adam
Oh, Adam. You’re a time bomb just waiting to go off buddy. Adam’s favorite actor is Jennifer Lawrence, which is a totally defensible choice. But why does Adam like JLaw? Is it because she’s funny? Is it because she kicks ass? Is it because she still does X-Men movies even though she there’s no way she should be anymore? Nope. It’s because, and I quote here, “because she is every girl’s goal.”
Adam, real talk, buddy. I think I can speak for my favorite ladies out there and say that it’s more likely that every girl’s goal in life is not to be called a girl and to be called a woman. And then there second goal is probably to be paid just as much as their male co-workers. I sincerely doubt “being Jennifer Lawrence” is high up on the list. If this were Family Feud, I don’t think it’d even make the big board as a possible answer.
Also, Adam is totally going to mention that he lettered in football in college a bunch. It’s also worth noting that while he cooked for his friends in college and that is a mighty nice thing to do, he then charged them for meals, which is a mighty dick thing to do.
I might hate Adam too.
Most Likely to Not Be the One to Save You From Drowning: Diggy
Diggy seems like a good dude. Diggy works for Groupon and we all like Groupon. Diggy’s favorite movies are Friday, Devil Wears Prada and Pursuit of Happyness, which is a slightly perplexing combo of films. Again, Diggy seems like a good dude.
Unless you’re in trouble and Diggy is sleeping. If that’s the case, Diggy is not a good dude. Diggy is a lazy dude.
“Tell us a fun story about a one night stand. I spent all day with this girl and she ended up coming home with me and we had sex. She then received a text saying her brother was missing, so I played asleep so I didn’t have to help!”
HA, HA, HA THAT’S HILARIOUS! You acted like you were asleep to get out of helping a lady you had just had sexual relations with finding her missing brother. THAT’S HILARIOUS!
No it isn’t.
Diggy seemed like a good dude.
Most Likely to Be Blatantly Superficial: Jamey
Let’s just cut to the chase and admit that Jamey might be traditionally good-looking, but he’s not “dates a model good looking.” We can all admit that, right?
Great. You know who can’t admit that? Jamey.
Jamey’s ideal mate looks like a model. Okay, if you’re like, a 15 year old and you’re asked that question, that’s how you answer. But Jamey is 32. Come on dude. No wonder you don’t have any female friends.
Oh yeah, Jamey doesn’t have any female friends. I’m sorry. That’s weird.
Most Likely to Make Rachel Get Caught Whispering “What the Eff” on Camera: Brady
Now see, Brady is a model. So if Brady were to say that his ideal mate looks like a model, that wouldn’t be that crazy of a thing to say. Which would be good, because Brady is totally going to say or do something crazy, probably on the first night.
Hey Brady, what do you for fun?
Oh, you “tackle snowmen.”
Hey Brady, what’s one of your least favorite things to do on a date?
Oh, “get an Uber driver that doesn’t speak English?”
Hey Brady, who is the person you dislike most in the world? Maybe a politician or an ex-girlfriend or like, a childhood bully or something?
Oh, “The Situation from the Jersey Shore?”
I don’t know about this Brady fella. Homeboy is totally going to say something regrettable, possibly from the jump. I’m going to say he’s an early favorite to get a little too drunk on the first night.
Most Likely to Say Something That Sounds Like A Commonly Used Saying But Definitely Isn’t: Bryce
Bryce is a firefighter, he has eyes that look like an effin’ twinkle lights and a jaw that could fracture a person’s nose. Bryce might also fancy himself a poet.
Disclaimer: Bryce is not a poet.
“Would you describe yourself as “the party-starter,” “the wingman” or “the laid back one”? Laid back shot of gasoline when the fire starts to die.”
I’m sorry. I don’t know what that means.
“How would you describe yourself as a lover? A fresh drink of water with a jolt of lightning.”
So like, I see what you’re getting at here, just not sure your metaphors are working.
Bryce might also be somewhat of a liability.
“What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? High speed pursuit on a motorcycle. Saved someone’s life. Outrageous is relative.”
No, that was outrageous. You say time is relative. You don’t say outrageous is relative.
“What’s the wildest thing you’ve done in the bedroom? Caught a girl’s hair on fire once while having sex.”
I guess it’s a good thing he’s a firefighter then.
Most Likely to Be the One to Get You Out of a Jam: Grant
Grant wants to be President. Come on. People on reality television can’t become President…
Yeah, never mind. Go get ’em, Grant.
Grant needs to learn how to spin things though if he ever wants to get into politics.
He says his most embarrassing moment took place in Peru. Our boy Grant had a little stomach bug and found himself needing to “defecate” on a tour bus. Ha, talk about a shitty situation, huh? Anyway, realizing he was in trouble, Grant cut an empty 2 liter bottle in half and dropped a deuce in that. The bus didn’t even have to stop.
Grant, that’s not embarrassing. That’s genius. It’s all about spin, buddy. We’ll talk more later.
Most Likely to Not Be Allowed to Watch Disney Movies in Public: Lucas
Lucas lists his occupation as “whaboom.” I don’t know what that means. I’m not sure you know what that means. I actually don’t think anyone knows what that means. I just Google’d it and all that came up was a list of articles asking “what’s a whaboom,” so that wasn’t very helpful.
This isn’t about Lucas’ “occupation” though. It’s about his answer to what his ideal mate looks like. His answer made me uncomfortable.
“Belle (Beauty and The Beast), Cinderella, Little Mermaid … and the best, Jessica Rabbit!”
Dude, those are cartoons.
And sure, maybe I’ll give you Jessica Rabbit. But Belle, Cinderella, Little Mermaid? Lucas, I’d like to be frank with you and ask, what the eff man? Yeah, we made fun of Jamey for saying his ideal mate is a model, but at least that’s a real person. Your ideal mate is a cartoon, bro. I’m going to write to ABC and make sure that you and Jonathan the Tickle Monster never be allowed within 100 miles of any Disney theme park. It’s going to be a certified letter too. That means it’s serious.