What? A Million Dollar Lobster Heist?

A million dollar lobster heist isn’t just a crazy headline. It’s the genesis for the next great limited TV series.

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Twitter has always kind of a been a toxic minefield of sorts, it’s just that in the past year or so, the field has gotten increasingly more dangerous as the mines keep piling up. You then might ask, who is stacking mines on top of mines? Twitter of course. Such a Twitter move.

Yet every once in a great while, a story finds it’s way into your news feed that makes you reverse course and praise Twitter for it’s ability to turn a day right around.

Case in point, just now I was scrolling through the Twitter, vacillating between varying forms of sadness at Trump-related tweets and joy at seeing that the Patriots had re-signed stud linebacker Dont’a Hightower. Twitter does have a fascinating way of appealing to both emotions, happy and sad, simultaneously, each side cancelling the other out. But then, amidst the emotional tug-of-war, was this glorious chestnut of a tweet.

“Million-dollar lobster heist?” Oh I am so interested. Please Metro News Canada, tell me more.

“CARAQUET, N.B. — Four men are facing charges after a million dollars worth of lobster was stolen from a New Brunswick seafood company last Canada Day.

The RCMP say they believe the lobster heist is connected to a larger crime ring targeting cargo shipments in Quebec and New Brunswick.”

A “larger crime ring” and “cargo shipments” and the phrase “lobster heist” again? Dear God, get HBO on the horn now. Or Noah Hawley. If this isn’t made into a limited series by year’s end then we are failing, FAILING, as a nation.

Okay, let’s break this down.

Where the heck is Caraquet, New Brunswick?

It’s up there, that’s where the heck Caraquet, New Brunswick is. Specifically, it’s about 300 kilometers north east of Fredericton, the capital of New Brunswick, and is on Chaleur Bay, part of the Acadian Peninsula. (Hey, thanks Google Maps.)

What the heck is Canada Day?

Dude, it’s the national day of Canada of course! Google, tell me more.

“(Canada Day) celebrates the anniversary of the July 1, 1867, enactment of the Constitution Act, 1867 (then called the British North America Act, 1867), which united the three separate colonies of the Canada, Nova Scotia, and New Brunswick into a single Dominion within the British Empire called Canada.”

*whispers* So it’s like the 4th of July?

*whispers back* Yeah, kind of.

*whispers* Cool, thanks.

What the heck is the RCMP?

That would be the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Mounties to their friends.

Image result for mounties

So with that information out of the way, let’s turn back to this heist…sorry, this MILLION DOLLAR LOBSTER HEIST. The heist was pulled off by four fellas, ranging in ages from 21 to 52. Three of these heisters were from New Brunswick, while one traveled over from nearby Quebec.

“Investigators say a transport truck was stolen from Eco-Technologies Ltd. in Caraquet, N.B., last July 1. They say the truck was then used to steal a million dollars worth of lobster from a refrigerated unit at LeBreton and Sons Fisheries Ltd. in nearby Grand-Anse, N.B.”

Stolen truck, huh? Nice. But here’s where it gets interesting.

“The heist was perhaps the most lucrative in a series of lobster thefts in the Maritimes in the last year, including two incidents last month on the wharf in Port Mouton, N.S.”

For the uninformed, the Maritimes consists of three Canadian provinces: New Brunswick, Nova Scotia and Prince Edward Island. I’ve been to the Maritimes. They are wonderful; really beautiful country up that way. But are we now to assume that crooks and trouble-makers are stealing lobsters willy nilly up there? I’m sorry, but “a series of lobster thefts” would certainly lend itself to that kind of thinking and assumption-making. Come on, you don’t just steal lobsters. That kind thing is frowned upon, no matter what side of the border you live on.

Yet there has to be more to this story. No one is stealing a million bucks worth of lobster just to eat it themselves. If so, they’d have to also steal a million bucks worth of butter, Moosehead beer and paper towels and no one has time for that. You’d need a lot of lobster crackers too and come on, this is just getting out of hand.

But yes, more to the story and that’s how we get rolling with this limited series. First, it’s definitely called Lobster Heist. Sure, pitch me some other names, but for now we’re going with Lobster Heist. Or maybe One Time in the Maratimes. I could also be talked into The Million Dollar Haul, Quite a Catch or simply Caraquet if we are looking to score points with the prestige television crowd. The show will only be eight episodes long. There’s no need to stretch this out. I think it should be a rule that hence forth limited series are eight episodes, HBO shows are 10 episodes a season and top shelf dramas on networks like FX, AMC and Netflix/Amazon should be 12 episodes a season.

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We’ll start with the moments right before the million dollar lobster heist, sorry…MILLION DOLLAR LOBSTER HEIST- the calm before the storm so to speak, with each man deep in their own thoughts. Why are they doing what they are doing? That’s what we’ll get into. This will be some David Simon-level, sociological deep dive type stuff here on Caraquet, which I’m now convinced should be the name of the show. Has the town fallen on hard times? Have these men been forced out of work, thus leading them to this life of shellfish-stealing crime or have other forms of disappointment or circumstances led them here? Or is this just the story of four career criminals finally getting…wait for it…pinched?

The 21 year old is new to this. The 52 year old is his uncle, who has raised him since his father passed away and his mother moved away with a new dude. Neither men know any better. The 52 year old has been doing this kind of thing, stealing lobsters, as well as other delicious seafood for his entire life, and as much as he wanted to shield his nephew from this, it was inevitable. And it’s not as if the 21 year old is all that innocent. He’s had his own run-ins with the law, but never for swiping sweet ocean treats. It’s been minor offenses, but also the kind of offenses that make police take notice.

The 52 year old has been working with the 42 year old for years and this isn’t their first lobster rodeo. They are as close as brothers. One time the 42 year old took a rap for the 52 year old to save him from prison, so he could raise his nephew. It’s something neither men forget and hangs over there decision to hit LeBreton and Sons Fisheries. This formidable crustacean grabbing duo usually work as just that, a duo, but for this job they need man power, hence the inclusion of both the nephew and the newcomer- the 40 year old gentlemen from Quebec. The 42 year old met the 40 year old in prison, kept in touch and was an easy choice when the need for a fourth man, specifically one who knew there way around a refrigerated truck, presented itself. Little did they know that the 40 year old came with baggage.

The actual heist doesn’t take place until the sixth or seventh episode and until then, it’s a lot of flashbacks in which stages are set, back stories are told. Like I said, there is more to this story and Caraquet tells a story not just of a eye-catching, click-bait worthy affair like a MILLION DOLLAR LOBSTER HEIST. It tells a story about four men living on the edge of the world, trying to get by and surviving each day the best way they can.

Or it’s a caper comedy about a lobster heist gone hysterically wrong.

You pick, Hollywood. I’m going to back to hate-reading Twitter.

 

 

 

 

 

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