The Bachelor Recap: Week Seven

When we last saw our troubled bachelor, Nick, he was bumming. Nick was sad. Nick was confused. Nick was at a loss for words. Nick was chucking an emotional grenade deep into the heart of his ladies’ hearts. Nick was then moving on.

So now we pick up the morning after. Debris, in the form of confused women, is strewn about. The remaining women, there are six left, each have varying levels of what the eff on their faces, not sure if their beloved Nick is going to ditch them in St. Thomas or what. There are barely throw pillows available for them to clutch tightly. Things are dire.  And meanwhile, on the beach, Nick is left to question everything short of the existence of life on other planets as he sits on an over-turned canoe. After some dude talk with Chris Harrison, Nick has a made a decision. But what will that decision be?

Image result for i don't know shrug gif

Damn you Nick Viall and your affinity for long, dramatic pauses! What? Three commercial breaks happen before you finally tell the women that you’re in it to win it and are not bailing on them? God help the person waiting in line behind Nick at a Starbucks. Listen, Nick has been rejected twice. I get it. He’s a little gun shy. Once you’ve been hurt once, you become hyper aware of the bread crumbs that could led to it happening again. But there’s a subtle difference in this particular instance that Nick seemed to have forgotten – he’s in the driver’s seat this time. He’s not the pursuer, he’s the pursued. He’s doing the asking and come on, the answer is all but guaranteed. So settle down buddy. Get some shorts that fit, enjoy your surroundings and relax. It’s all good buddy.

Now that that’s over with, we’re over St. Thomas. Everyone is pumped to leave St. Thomas, which, and I’m just guessing here, is the first recorded time in the history of St. Thomas that people have been eager to leave St. Thomas. You are eager to leave Cincinnati. You are eager to leave the panhandle of Florida. You are eager to leave Nebraska. You are not eager to leave St. Thomas. This show might be ridiculous.

Geography time people! Has anyone here ever heard of Bimini before?

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Yeah, me neither. So here’s a map.

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Hey Bimini! Looks lovely. I mean, it also looks exactly like St. Thomas, but who cares? St. Thomas was where the bodies are buried. To hell with St. Thomas. Bimini baby!

Vanessa

Vanessa is going to win this thing. And no, I’m not saying that because a certain other presumed front-runner has already landed her next gig. I’m saying that because in my heart of hearts, I believe it. And you do too. If you don’t, you’re lying to yourself. Vanessa snags the first one-on-one date in Bimini…hold on, BIMINI! They do boat stuff and snorkeling stuff and yeah, it’s fine. Vanessa had never been on a yacht before. I’ve never been on a yacht before. We have so much in common it’s crazy. Our paths separate though when it comes to our feelings about Nick though. Vanessa is falling in love with Nick. Vanessa tells Nick this. To which Nick responds with some mumbled nonsense that is loosely translated to the following:

  • Nick has said “I love you” before (yeah, we know)
  • He’s dating multiple women at one time (yeah, we know)
  • If he’s going to say “I love you” again, he wants it to feel fresh, like the first time (huh?)

Vanessa’s response:

The Ultimate Collection Of Will Ferrell Reaction GIFs

Well, she didn’t exactly say that, but she should have. It would have made about the same amount of sense as whatever the hell Nick just said to her.

Moving on!

It’s group date time. In this corner, there is Nick. In the other corner, there’s Corinne, Kristina and Raven. There’s another effin’ yacht and there’s more snorkeling because, and I’m not a 100% on this, but snorkeling might be the only thing to do on the wonderful island of Bimini. Kristina looks to be the front-runner until Raven drops the bomb that her pops has cancer. There is nothing funny about cancer and that’s all I’ll say about that. Although I will add that dropping a nugget like at a time such as the one when it was dropped was a smart play by Raven. There, that’s it. Raven gets the rose. We’re going to Hoxie I guess. Cool. I’m not even going to bother finding a shoulder shrug gif or emoji. Just do it yourself.

Danielle

Danielle is calm, cool and collected. Danielle seems really, really nice. Danielle would probably be fun to grab coffee with. Danielle would probably be fun to hang out and binge watch Portlandia with. All of those things are most likely true. Unfortunately what is also true is that being on The Bachelor might not have been the best decision Danielle has ever made in her life. It’s like Tim Tebow trying to play baseball. Not your game, dude.

Nick and Danielle have a perfectly delightful, grown-up date. They ride bikes. They drink some beers. They awkwardly watch young Biminians (?) play basketball. I thought it looked cool. Danielle tells Nick she is falling for him. Danielle also adds that the last person she said I love you too died so…you know…she’s kind of being serious here. Nick is being serious here too. Nick isn’t feeling it.

The Ultimate Collection Of Will Ferrell Reaction GIFs

Why isn’t Nick feeling it? Why is Nick seemingly more comfortable chilling on a yacht with three 24 year olds in bikinis than he is spending a quiet day with a 31 year old? Why it starting to seem more and more likely that Corinne…CORINNE…will be one of the final two? I’ll tell you why.

TANGENT TIME

Nick has been in the spotlight for a while now. Nick has been pseudo-famous for a couple years and Nick has become accustomed to the adoration and fawning over that comes with his pseudo-celebrity status. Nick gets a kick out of women gushing over him and throwing themselves at him. Nick spent his twenties just being a normal dude, shucking computer software in Chicago, and while he was probably always doing okay with the ladies, he wasn’t slaying them like he is these days. Nick digs a good dose of hero worship in his general direction and in large part, this explains why he fits in so naturally with women in the early 20’s. It’s almost as if they are operating on similar levels. Think back to Bachelor in Paradise, back when we all fell back in love with Nick. Who was he hanging out with the most? He was chilling with the Twins and he was playing the role of patient big brother to Ashley I. Sure he got close with Jen, but it never seemed like anything serious. And now on this season, there has been one constant all season and that constant is Nick’s infatuation with Corinne. You know, I’m not sure what I’m getting at here. But I’ll end here, Nick is 36 years old and seems to be more comfortable with 24 year olds. I’d like to go on record as saying that that seems odd.

Obligatory Corinne Section

Yeah whatever, Corinne pulled a Nick and dropped by late night to woo him with her feminine wilds. Boring. What happened after is all that matters.

She walked right past the automatic doors and instead, went with the door she had to push herself. I just assumed Corinne didn’t like to do anything herself, so this came as a shock. Do you think Corinne is afraid of automatic doors? Do you think she was trapped in one as a baby or maybe a broken one kept her apart from her beloved nanny for way too long? We could all think of numerous things we’d like to ask Corinne if given the chance, but what’s up with strange avoidance of automatic doors is the one thing we should all want to ask first.

Then we’d ask about the in’s and out’s of garage flooring. Obviously.

The Home Stretch

In the last half hour Nick and Rachel went on a one-on-one that was uneventful and fine. They just hung out a bar and talked with locals. Shit. That sounds perfect to me. Oh, and they talked about the fact that Nick is white, Rachel is black and kicked around the idea that that could be something when it comes time to meet her parents. I don’t know. Aren’t we living in woke times now or am I being naive? Might be a little of both. Either way, I can’t be the only one that pictures Rachel’s dad being Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

One woman was going to go home though. There were five. ABC only has the budget for four hometowns. So who is going home?

Kristina.

Yes, Kristina.

Not Corinne.

Kristina.

This show might be ridiculous.

 

 

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