Ugh, The Bachelor. Honestly, it pains me to say it, but The Bachelor, you might be losing me. Last night’s episode was the first time I found myself not just closing my eyes during the episode, but rolling over on the couch and thinking about just taking a snooze until it was over. God, what is going on? This season showed so much promise! Could this just be over-reaction? Is my mind in such a fragile state because you know, our country might be a dictatorship now that I’m losing my perspective? Man, what a bummer.
Of course last night’s show does warrant a recap of sorts. We owe it to ourselves to soldier on in the face of adversity.
So we’ll start with Corinne
Specifically we’ll start with this revelation: Corinne might be the villain, but she’s not a villain. Past villains on the show have been conniving, smart and intimidating. The Chadbear was a straight up liability. But whereas there’s a Chadbear or Courtney the Unchallenged, there’s someone like Corinne, who is actually more akin to Olivia, the “villain” during Ben the Bland’s season. If we really want to dig deep here, it’s really all about motives and context. Of course no one really wants to deep dive here so let’s just say that Corinne is only the villain because a villain doesn’t really exist this season. This is a good thing; this is also a bad thing. Villains make for good television. But forced villains, manufactured ones, don’t, and that’s what we saw last night. Also, for someone to be a true and legitimate villain, they need a true and legitimate foil. Corinne has no real foil, thus Corinne isn’t a true Bachelor villain.
Corinne is the lone occupant of Planet Corinne and that’s really her only crime. She’s clueless, operating under a doctrine of assumptions about the world and her place in the world that simply aren’t true.
I’m sorry, but a mature person never has to explain why they are mature. Just like a smart person never has to tell you they are smart. Corinne’s got some real world living to do. That’s all. Plus, I’m not sure I’d want to pick up cow shit either.
Now for Taylor…
Taylor is setting herself up to be a ying to Corinne’s yang, a role that never ends well. Five bucks says she ends up getting sent home because Nick tries to spend time with her, she only talks about Corinne and he naturally sees that as a turnoff. It’ll happen. You can Venmo me because we live in the future. A fun fact about Taylor is that she’s 23 years old. Our girl Corinne is 24. I’m fuzzy with math but in terms of age, 24 is older than 23, yet that hasn’t stopped Taylor from calling out Corinne for acting immature and being too young for Nick. Taylor is smart. But Taylor is also dumb. Weird how that works out sometimes. If I were Corinne, I’d be putting Taylor on blast too for calling me out, seeing as how she’s a year younger than me. Of course if I were Corinne I’d re-brand my nanny as a personal assistant, but that’s just me.
The Taylor/Corinne feud has no winners. None. We are all losers here. They are losers because they look ridiculous and we are losers because the reality is is that their beef is boring television. Good God, at one point last night my wife started taking Corinne’s side, which was actually kind of a defensible position. Her rationale was that she found Taylor was annoying in her approach. This works. It’s a much better rationale than defending your napping habits by saying Lincoln took naps. Girl, there is no proof of this being a thing. Or maybe there is. I don’t know. This whole “alternative facts” thing is really messing with me.
In the next week or two Corinne and Taylor go on a 2 on 1 date. And with a little luck, the end comes at least a little close to the Battle in the Badlands from Farmer Chris’ season.
And then we can all move on with our lives and in doing so, keep tabs on Danielle L., because our good friend Nick definitely is.
Danielle L., also known in some circles (mainly this one) as the next Bachelorette, got a one-on-one this week. They bopped around Nick’s hometown and when doing so, saw an ex-girlfriend of his who just happened to be there.
I wonder if she was Googling “can I make money off of this appearance or just get some sweet revenge?”
Eventually Nick and Danielle L. danced to the sweet sounds of someone named Chris Lane, which begs the question…WHO THE HELL IS CHRIS LANE? Is Chris Lane related to famed jeweler and troll under the bridge Neil Lane? Is that how he got the gig? Is nepotism now running buck wild around our country now? Yup. All roads lead back to He Who Shall Not Be Named.
More importantly, has the great state of Wisconsin ever laid eyes on someone like Danielle L. before? I have my doubts. Before she descended upon them, the state was still in a state of collective shock at the sight of Olivia Munn.
Nick obviously digs Danielle L. but…come on, she’s totally going to be the next Bachelorette. THIS IS NOT UP FOR DEBATE.
Also not up for debate…
Our co-MVP’s of the week:
That Russian Gal from Kentucky
What’s her name? Kristina. I don’t know much about her. No one does. She has a past, but it’s a past that is more comprehensive than a sound bite so it’ll have to wait. In the meantime, Kristina gets points for having none of Corinne’s bull shit. I enjoyed that. It should also be noted Kristina is getting more attractive as this season goes on. Maybe, like Ben the Bland, she has a parasite in her, but unlike Ben, it’s improving her physical standing, whereas the parasite was slowly tearing Ben apart. This is entirely possible.
Why? Because not only is she probably going to win but because she went there.
There being calling out Nick and not Corinne for immature and questionable behavior. I know America loves that Canadian Prime Minister, but I think it’s only a matter of time before Vanessa becomes America’s favorite Canadian.
Two Questions Regarding Raven’s Date
Question 1: How are Nick’s parents so short?
Or more specifically, how is Nick at least a few inches taller than both of them? I can’t be the only person who A) noticed this and B) wondered if Nick was wearing lifts.
Question 2: How bad will you feel when Raven eventually gets sent home?
Pretty bad. She seems a like a sweet heart.
And finally, A Plea to the Producers
More Alexis please. This show is doing a disservice to it’s viewers by stowing choice Alexis cuts deep in the confines of the ending credits. This week we learned Alexis is afraid of two things. Now, the lead-in to this revelation was Nick talking about ghosts, something that would lead you to believe Alexis is afraid of ghosts. But is Alexis afraid of ghosts?
Ha, nope. Too easy my friends. Alexis is afraid of two things in this world. Alexis is afraid of Nicolas Cage and aliens. Because of course she is.
Well I’m afraid the producers aren’t using Alexis properly and it’s becoming problematic.
See you next week.