GoT Plot Line Power Rankings: Week Eight

what-will-season-5-of-game-of-thrones-hold-for-tyrion-lannister-arya-stark-jon-snow-and-daenerys-targaryen-game-of-thrones-season-5-spoilerNow that was an episode of Game of Thrones.

Apologies to our friends at Silicon Valley, because you were on but no one was paying attention to you. How could we be? Game of Thrones basically dropped a flaming bag of poop on the Walking Dead’s door step, taking the swarming zombie on television game to frighteningly high new levels. Oh and Daenerys and Tyrion were hanging out, drinking wine and kicking Jorah to the curb, Sansa got Theon/Reek to cop to not killing her brothers and Cersei was doing her best impression of Renton in Trainspotting.

Let’s get to this week’s power rankings!

Giddy Up America’s Game of Thrones Power Rankings: Week Eight

1. The Homies of the Wall

No question this one is first this week. The last twenty or so minutes of “Hardhome” was comprised of some of the most amazing, most tense, most effin’ impressive scenes the show has put together to date- going right up there with scenes from the Battle of Blackwater, the Wildling assault on The Wall and Danys’ dragon roasting that dick from Astapor. It accomplished so many things- it made Jon a true hero, it reminded us that the White Walkers are still there and still a force, and it…it kicked our ass. Jon traveling north to broker piece with the Wildlings was already a tightrope across shaky terrain, but if not for holding my bambino in my arms, I would have stood up in anticipation when the dogs started barking and you started getting the feeling that something crazy was about to happen. I can’t even find words for the whole scene. I’d also like to thank the “Previously on Game of Thrones” folks for reminding me that Jon Snow’s sword, given him to Commander Mormont (R.I.P.) was made of Valyrian Steel, which apparently kills White Walkers.

game-of-thrones-shatter

Run of out of Dragon Glass, no worries there provided you have some Valyrian Steel kicking around. In the words of the mighty Lloyd Christmas, so you’re saying there’s a chance.

Fun Fact: Brienne’s sword is made of Valyrian Steel. So that’s pretty cool, huh?

Where do we go from here though? And not just with Jon Snow and his rescued Wildlings? I mean, they’re going to head to The Wall now, but who says the Night’s Watch are even going to let them in? It’s not as if they are the most loyal band of dudes out there and a USA Today/CBS News Poll found that nearly 85% of them vehemently disagree with Jon’s plan. And do the White Walkers head back to the locker room for a bit and recharge their batteries or are they on the move again? Also, doesn’t this make anything happening almost anywhere else on the show seem trivial? What we witnessed in “Hardhome” was so epic and so massive how can we even care that much about Arya’s adventures in Braavos or even further, Lord Tyrell’s adventures over there to fix the economic woes of Westeros? Game of Thrones threw it all on the table last night and I’m not 100% sure it was the right move. I totally think they needed to remind people of their ability at this point in the season, but they might have shown too many of their cards too soon.

2. Over in Essos: When Dany Met Tyrion

If Game of Thrones were the NBA Playoffs, this was like a great conference championship, followed up by an epic championship series. Unfortunately no one remembers the conference championship unless they are reminded about it. It’s a shame, but that’s life. Just ask our poor friend, Jorah. He thought he was in the clear- back in Danys good graces. Sadly, no. Tyrion dropped some hard truths that didn’t bode well for Jorah. He even blew up his spot – “I think he’s in love with you.” Ouch. Oh, and get the hell out of here Jorah! Double ouch. Enjoy the grey scale. And the fighting pits. And the crippling loneliness. We’ll be enjoying more delicious scenes between Game of Thrones new dynamic duo (sorry Jaime & Bronn.)

3. The One About How Sansa’s Life Pretty Much Sucks

Pro: Sansa got Theon/Reek to finally buckle and admit he didn’t kill Bran and Rickon. It was nice to see a Stark not named Arya throw the hammer down on someone.

Con: Are we supposed to believe Ramsey is some sort of elite commando now? I was confused by that. It’s now clearly established he’s a psychopath, but I was thrown when he told his dad that all he needed was twenty good men to take down Stannis’ army. Really Ramsey? What are you going to do- dress up like dire wolves and sneak attack them in the night? I need a little more here before I’m going to willfully accept that Ramsey is not only skilled at human mutilation, but combat and guerrilla warfare.

4. Keeping Up With King’s Landing

To be clear, I fully realize that any injustice that has befallen on Cersei is of her own doing. She very much brought this all on herself. No one can argue that. However, I would like to at least acknowledge that this High Sparrow and his crew are riding pretty high on the smugness train as of late and that doesn’t sit well with me. I don’t care for their antics and because I feel pretty strongly about this, it’s made me feel a smidgen of sympathy for Cersei. Only a smidgen mind you…but a smidgen nonetheless. You know, like how Tommen is a smidgen of a man. Yeah, burn! And you deserve that burn, Tommen.

Oh where’s Tommen? Holed up in his room. Yeah, that makes sense. He’s only like, the king and his mom and wife are currently locked up. It’s not like he has any power or anything.

Although to be fair, Cersei had some power. She’s currently sucking water up from the floor. And Margaery had some power and she’s logging days on the wall. Loras had…well, a nice head of hair and he’s eyeing up prison gangs to join. So maybe Tommen is doing the smart thing by lying low.

No, no he’s not.

I just figured I’d give him the benefit of the doubt because I’m a nice guy and he’s a helpless child.

One last thing – Qyburn has been spending all season doing some kind of work on the Mountain, who was last seen popping the noggin of our dear friend Prince Oberyn. What’s he doing? I’m assuming something slightly more labor intensive than resetting a broken arm or icing a shin splint. He said during his prison visit that “the work continues.” Sooooo…what’s the work homeboy? Taxes? Building a new deck? Or creating some kind of Frankenstein monster out of the Mountain?

Hmmm…probably taxes.

5. Over in Essos: It’s Arya Time!

Raise your hand if you thought that Arya might be doing a little bit more in her service as a Faceless Man than fighting crime in Braavos?

Yeah, me too.

Photos: HBO

 

 

 

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