Well, on the plus side, no one was raped this week.
Is that what Game of Thrones has become, a scavenger hunt of minor victories and obscured joy? Man is this show bleak. Oof. Sucks to be any semblance of a good guy in Westeros, Essos or any other area of the world they have yet to mention. This show straight up bludgeons the absolute shit out of good. In the first season of True Detective, Rust Cohle, in between making friends out of old beer cans and growing his hair out, lamented the overwhelming presence of darkness in the world- the dark snuffing out the light, evil triumphing over good. Then he woke up from a coma of sorts and felt a-ok about things.
Pre-coma Rust Cohle would love Game of Thrones.
And I love Game of Thrones!
You love Game of Thrones!
We all love Game of Thrones.
Well, except for this lady…
Can’t please everyone I guess.
Onto the power rankings!
Giddy Up America’s Game of Thrones’ Power Rankings: Week Seven
1a. Keeping Up With King’s Landing
Not news: Cersei does not think things through. Whereas her dad was methodical and calculated, Cersei is vengeful and impulsive. Even our dog Lucy, who sleeps through most of Game of Thrones as a form of protest because it’s not Downton Abbey saw the High Sparrow turning on Cersei coming a mile away. Come on Cersei, did you really think that the Faith Militant would ignore everyone’s bugaboos except your own? Geez, is this amateur hour? Bush league Cersei. No one effs with the Jesus and no one effs with the High Sparrow. And Cersei, while we’re doing some real talk, your end zone celebration in Margaery’s jail cell was just in poor form. Here, have some venison. It was the bomb yesterday. They don’t have Tupperware in King’s Landing! That venison probably tasted like shit, Cersei! Not cool.
I would point out that I did feel a little bad for Cersei, though. I don’t care for religious fanatics and people who use faith as a reason for irrational behavior. And while this is a real world pet peeve of mine, it spilled over into my feelings concerning Cersei’s imprisonment. Damn Game of Thrones. You’re good. Now I’m sympathizing with Cersei of all people? Clever bastards.
Speaking of clever bastards, Littlefinger…what the hell are you up too? And don’t you know that your girl Sansa is locked up in the Little Shop of Horrors that used to be Winterfell? I’m assuming Sansa living a life of hell and rape isn’t part of your plan. Or maybe it is. Either way, Littlefinger, wtf brah?
1b. The Homies of the Wall
Stannis’ role in this plot line seems to have diverged for the time being and…well, let’s get this out of the way…there was no way, NO WAY, there was going to be a rape two weeks in a row. Even for Game of Thrones that would have been excessive. I mean, it certainly looked like it was going to happen and thanks to Ghost for intervening, but oh man, that could have been a bit much. I do love how Ghost just drops in from time to time to look super menacing and wreck some dudes.
And while I think Jon’s plan to ferry the Wildlings to safety makes sense on paper, I don’t see it going well. But I also like Road Trip Jon as opposed to Stay at Home Jon. So, win there at least.
Jon is totally coming face to face with a White Walker by the way. Sam handing him that shard of Dragon Glass was super freakin’ blatant.
2. Over in Essos: When Dany Met Tyrion
Thanks to the Seven for speeding this meeting of the minds up. Good God and not a moment to soon. We were a week away from watching Danys do needle point and watch soap operas and come on, how many more times can we witness Tyrion evade capture? Well, probably one or two more times. But how dope was it seeing Tyrion and Danys finally come face to face? I thought it was great last season when Stannis and Jon met, but this blows that out of the water. Now I can’t wait to see where it goes. I imagine Danys is going to be a little stubborn and not overly welcoming of Tyrion.
My guess- Varys arrives just in time to make everything cool.
Jorah, your friend zone game is super weak sauce, brah. It’s embarrassing. Get it together man.
3. The One About How Sansa’s Life Pretty Much Sucks
Update: Sansa’s life still sucks.
In related news: Sansa gets points for taking some shots at Ramsey’s pride.
And now in weather: Well Bob, looks like winter is coming. Those Starks weren’t just blowing smoke up our ass all these years.
4. Jaime & Bronn’s
Excellent Incredibly Poorly-Planned Adventure
I didn’t realize that Bronn’s life was in jeopardy until the Internet told me. The key to figuring out Game of Thrones lies in the lingering camera shots apparently. But, is Bronn like, not dying now? And what kind of poison is kick-started by the sight of boobies? And when does Bronn’s album drop? He’s like the Robert Goulet of Westeros. Those pipes! Bronn’s voice is as solid as Jaime’s adventure-making, daugher-rescuing plans aren’t. #sadface
5. Ain’t No Party Like a Stannis Party Cause a Stannis Party is Hot, Hot Hot!
Stannis, meet me at camera four.
Stannis, you’ve come along way. A lot of us like you now. You seem like a good dude. Don’t eff it up by killing your daughter. That’s just wrong, man. We like your daughter. We like you more because we like your daughter. I can’t see Game of Thrones actually killing her, but…come on, there was to be uncrossable line somewhere, right?