Highway to Snooze Town

Prince strolled onto the Grammy stage dressed like a delicious orange creamsicle and delivered a face that perfectly summarized how everyone collectively felt watching this year's Grammys:

There is a general feeling out there that the Grammys are kind of out of touch, that they are stale, that they don’t necessarily appeal to anyone under thirty. I don’t think that’s true. I just don’t think so. I mean they have Taylor Swift dancing, that Ed Sheeran fella, Beyonce and more. I actually think the Grammys do a good job reaching a younger audience and…wait, what’s that?

I take it back.

Last night’s Grammys opened with AC/DC. Yes, you heard that correctly. AC/DC. So, screw you youngsters. Get on your Google machines and find out who these old dudes are and by the time you come back, your girl Taylor Swift will be right where we left her, dancing like a co-ed at a Dave Matthews Band concert who just tried pot brownies for the first time.

taylor swift

So AC/DC come out and take it in rock ‘n roll fans because this is all you’ll be getting this evening!

A brief rundown of requirements AC/DC had in their contract:

  • Professional sound and lightning with a trained professional running both
  • A dressing room with a private bathroom
  • A pre-loaded teleprompter
  • The ability to play at least one new song before trudging out one of their hits
  • A meet & greet with Taylor Swift

But hey, either way, we’re on a highway to hell. Welcome to the Grammys!

Three Quick Notes About Females:

Taylor Swift, Queen of the Humblebrag

Ariana Grande, might be a fembot

Kim Kardashian, can only stay for a bit. She’s wrestling Sting later.

Now, moving on.

I wanted to make a joke about Tom Jones and his glitter suit. Oh God, I really did. I had starts like Wow, Tom Jones’ suit would have fit in perfectly at my niece’s princess birthday party and Tom Jones’ suit just woke up from a rave and is exhausted and Tom Jones has some suit on his glitter. But in the end, I just thought about how the phrase “winter storm” is really getting abused this year. Every hint of winter weather is a winter storm. We’re kind of doing a boy crying wolf thing here and I think it needs to stop.

Pharrell though, no need to ever stop, sir. Just keep being awesome, keep making me wish I too could rock a suit and shorts. I’m not sure what kind of shoes I’d wear, though. #whitedudeproblems. One of these days only scientists will be able to provide an explanation for why Pharrell doesn’t age. I’m just assuming it has something to do with swagger, but again #whitedudeproblems when it comes to not being able to figure this one out.

But speaking of problems, I do have a slight bone to pick with Mr. Williams, who won a Grammy for Best Pop Solo performance, beating Sam Smith, Taylor Swift, Sia and John Legend. Admittedly, that’s a stacked category. Anyone of these people (or aliens in Sia’s case) could have won. But Pharrell did. This shouldn’t be that surprising. That song “Happy” was everywhere. Everywhere. Yet Pharrell was surprised, shocked even. He hadn’t even prepared a speech because he didn’t think he’d win. Just once at one of these award shows, I’d like to hear someone in their acceptance speech say something along the lines of Yeah, I knew I was gonna win this mother (expletive deleted.) Thanks to Me, cause I’m awesome. Could have been you Pharrell. It could have been you.

More on Pharrell’s performance of “Happy” in a few.

Beyonce won because Beyonce is wonderful.

Voldemort* had a cool performance of his song “Only One.” Voldermort is really on some next level shit. Apparently that next level shit includes wearing sweatpants in public, which I am totally on board with.

* Giddy Up America is a Kanye-Free Zone so in this post he will be referred to as someone else who shall not be named.

Then this Ed Sheeran fella comes on. I had never heard any of his songs, but was interested in his performance largely because his backing band was stacked- Questlove on drums, Herbie Hancock on piano, John Mayer on guitar. I was expecting big things, or at the very least, funky smooth things. I instead got neither. Really? They needed all those ringers for that? I would have just had Redhead Ed roll out their solo and play. Why waste that talent on something that sounds like a high schooler influenced a little too much by Jack Johnson and the man to his right, John Mayer. Final verdict: pass.

Sheeran then introduced Electric Light Orchestra. Why? I have no effin’ idea. Paul McCartney was pretty stoked, though.

mccartney.0

Kind of makes you wonder, what else gets Sir Paul fired up? At first I would have thought Downton Abbey, but no, I can’t see Paul watching television. I bet he loves cross word puzzles, making tacos, and doing tai chi.

Intermission Thought: The Grammys are kind of depressing this year, what with all the slow and somber songs and everything. Hey, Katy Perry is coming up, though. That should change things up. Right?

Nope. Still a cool performance though by Ms. Katy Perry and I am of the opinion that the shadow behind her was not actually her shadow.

Hozier’s “Take Me to Church” is the official Song I Ignored, Then Liked, Then Kind of Got Sick of, Then Liked Again, Then Ignored, Then Liked Again for 2014. His performance was cool enough, but then someone let Annie Lennox lose and then things really got interesting. She freakin’ brought it and “it” was intensity. She was like a long pass to Gronk, followed by Gronk rumbling and stumbling, dragging eighteen defenders with him before tumbling into the end zone. A pure, straight ahead, upper. I’m not totally sure why they played “I Put a Spell on You,” but I’m still not sure why AC/DC or Electric Light Orchestra played. So, what the heck, it was still a great version of a cool song.

Really quickly, back to Pharrell- there will be no shortage of think pieces thrown out there today regarding his performance of “Happy.” So all I’ll say is that I thought it was amazing.

pharrel

I stayed up for Paul McCartney, RiRi and Voldermort’s performance of “Fourfiveseconds.” I wanted to see if they did anything different to it or just played it as is. I certainly didn’t just stay up to see Rihanna. No. No way. And overall, the performance didn’t really disappoint. It didn’t excite me either. It kind of did nothing to change how I feel about the song- which is a concise non-committal, it’s cool. However, I did have five thoughts about the performance.

The first thought: Does Paul McCartney know what wildin’ means?

The second thought: Is Paul’s mic even on, cause it doesn’t seem like it is?

The third thought: My Girl RiRi isn’t messing around. I love watching her sing, her facial expressions and emotions are on fleek.*

* learned that word this weekend. It means “on point.”

The fourth thought: I’m sorry, when the white screen raised up, I was expecting something super cool to be behind it. You know, like, I don’t know man, something really effin’ cool! Maybe it’s because Voldemort is involved, but it’s not my fault he comes with high expectations and when he’s involved and a screen raises up in the middle of his performance, you think something awesome is going to happen. Just imagine if someone like Taylor Swift or Kendrick Lamar came out? Talk about wildin’.

The fifth thought: Sir Paul was not ready for the song to be over, as he kept strumming and singing into a mic that was totally not plugged in. He was like, I haven’t played a song this short since the Beatles’ Hamburg days in the early sixties. Oh, did I mention that I was in the Beatles? Because I was. And shit, I’m starting to think this nonsense is beneath me. I’m Paul (expletive deleted) McCartney for crying out loud. Where’s ELO? I’m gonna hang out with those dudes. They’re probably puffin’ a bone right now. Speaking my language, ELO. I’m out of here.

And just like that, the Paul/Voldemort collaboration was done.

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Disagree!

Sam Smith, the British crooner, was the night’s big winner. His song “Stay With Me” won both Record and Song of the Year and Smith himself won Best New Artist. He also delivered a pretty great performance, a duet with Mary J. Blige. So good on you, Sam Smith. You kind of feel like the dude version of Adele and I don’t think being any version of Adele is a bad thing. However, Smith recently got busted because “Stay With Me” sounds a little too much like Tom Petty’s “I Won’t Back Down.” As a result, Petty and his co-writer Jeff Lynne were awarded a 12.5 percent co-writing credit on the track. Hey, Tom, congrats on the Grammys! All I’ll say is that it’s a damn good thing that Sam Smith isn’t the New England Patriots of pop music. Because if he was, if he wasn’t this beloved and likeable figure, people would be saying his Grammys should have an asterisk on them because he kind of, sort of cheated. And whatever, maybe I am still a little bitter about Deflategate. WE WON THE EFFIN’ SUPER BOWL!!!

A Ranking of Performances (I Saw Before Going to Bed)

5. Paul McCartney, Rihanna, Voldermort
4. (tie) Sam Smith & Mary J. Blige/Katy Perry
3. Hozier & Annie Lennox
2. Miranda Lambert
1. Pharrell Williams

Honorable Mention: Electric Light Orchestra

Final Thoughts by My Darling Wife

“Bummer. I would have gone to bed early if I knew this was going to be so boring.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Gifs: The Internet, yo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Highway to Snooze Town

  1. That was an amusing post, especially the Voldemort part. The Grammys do sound very boring. There’s none of the fun the Oscars have. Critics ignore the Grammys.

    I can’t believe people still care about AC/DC.

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