Astute Baseball Analysis: Irrational Predictions for the 2013 Red Sox

001U7079It’s been one week. One week out of roughly forty or so weeks of major league baseball. But hey, let’s get excited. The Boston Red Sox are in first place in the American League. They are 4-2. Did you see yesterday’s game? They put a hurting on the Blue Jays, the same Blue Jays so many national publications fawned over in their season previews. So far the Sox have won series against the Blue Jays, as well as the Yankees. The Orioles come to Fenway today for the 2013 Home Opener.

Things are good.

Bobby Valentine is miles away from the team. Things are very good.

Things are so good right now that irrational predictions are totally allowed.

Five Wildly Irrational Predictions for the 2013 Boston Red Sox

1. Will Middlebrooks will hit over 40 home runs.

I love this dude. When he broke his wrist last year, it was the second saddest thing I experienced in 2012. This was the first saddest thing…

Yesterday Middlebrooks hammered three home runs up in Toronto and came damn close to a fourth. Homeboy is going to ruffle some feathers this year. And by ruffle some feathers I mean hit a boatload of home runs and carry the Sox’ offense. Posters aren’t allowed in our house but if they were, a Middlebrooks’ poster would be right next to a Tom Brady one. Is that why dude’s have Man Caves? So they can hang posters? If so then that’s even lamer than I thought.

2. Dustin Pedroia, American League MVP

Middlebrooks will carry the offense, but Pedroia is going to carry the team, which will mean something because…

3. The Red Sox will win the division

Yes they will, bubba and here’s why:

  • The Rays will finish second because Evan Longoria will get hurt and miss his obligatory 30+ games. Also, one of their stud young pitchers will finally be a bust- they can’t all be winners. It won’t be Matt Moore, though. That dude is legit. I could see David Price stumbling a bit.
  • The Blue Jays have a roster that is 50% 2012 Marlins and look at how the 2012 Marlins turned out. The majority of them now live in Canada or parts unknown.
  • The Yankees have meet their match- an unfortunate combination of old age and a dried up free agent market. They’ll bank on mid-season pickups along the lines of Vernon Wells and stumble to a fourth place finish. The only sliver of good news for the Bombers will be that a Taiwanese team offers to take A Rod off their hands. They’ll get a handful of DVD’s in return, but one will be The Dark Knight Rises so it’ll be totally worth it.
  • The Orioles will be back in familiar territory, last place. Last year was a delight for them and I hope they and their fans enjoyed every minute of it. But it was also an outlier season, not a season to build on. All those wins in one run games? That’s not happening again. Enjoy the Ravens, Baltimore.

4. Jon Lester will win 20 games

Jonny L Train is back, baby! The last two years? What last two years? 20 game winner and a shitload of strikeouts coming in hot!

5. Jackie Bradley, Jr. will become my Dad’s favorite player

Sorry Jacoby, you’ve been replaced. The Silver Fox asks one main thing out of professional athletes- hustle. Jackie Bradley, Jr does one main thing- hustle. It’s essentially a match made in heaven.

Feature Image: AP Photo/Rob Carr

Categories: Sports

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