Hov for Pope: Making the Case for Pope Jay Z

By Ryan O'Connell on 02/12/2013 • ( 0 )

Photo: Bill McCay/FilmMagic

The Pope is retiring. Health issues, not to pursue other opportunities or spend time with his family. This is the first time in 600 years that this has happened. Apparently being Pope and hosting the evening news are two gigs that you just don’t want to give up.

But what happens now?

Pope Watch!

Now I don’t know the specifics about what happens now. I know that there will be some secret meetings, large crowds in the Vatican awaiting a decision and eventually some black smoke, letting everyone know it’s go time. But how do they decide who to pick? I don’t even know who they are and honestly I really don’t care. I’m sure they’re qualified. But who creates the pool of candidates? Are suggestions allowed?

Because if so, I have one.

I have two words for you, Vatican: Jay Z.

Actually that’s one word and one letter.

Whatever.

Hov for Pope! It makes perfect sense. There’s literally no one in the world who doesn’t like Jay Z. He’s like ice cream, Gabby Douglass and Tina Fey in that respect. He has both street cred and business cred. Look what he’s done for the Nets! And shit, he’s only owns 1% of them. Imagine if he was fully invested. Jay Z spearheaded the re-branding of the Nets and you could easily make an argument that no one needs a re-branding more than the Catholic Church (and possibly the Republican Party.) The Jigga Man could bring Beyonce along with him and everyone loves Beyonce. Well, except for this turd bucket. Kanye could come to provide fashion tips for the Clergy and perhaps some divine intervention is exactly what Rhianna needs to finally make her realize what everyone else (especially Adele) has: her boyfriend is an ass clown.

If anything, the only question about Pope Jay Z is whether or not he’d accept the position. I’m sure there’s a rule or two stating that the Pope has to live in the Vatican and probably can’t rock name brand threads. The Pope also probably can’t drink, although if he does, it’d probably be out of a sweet chalice, which Jay can do easy enough.

Is it realistic?

Nah, probably not.

But would it be awesome?

Totally.

He’s got my vote.